Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Remembering My Family

After my last post I thought I had finished writing here.  I felt that I had I had come to the end of a phase or a chapter in my life, and in truth I think that I did come to that.  Maybe my epiphanies are not happening in rapid fire succession like they were before.  That is to be expected.  We have different phases of life and the Lord teaches us what we need to know at just precisely the right time and in just the right way for us.  I believe it is all calculated to bring about the greatest growth possible in the shortest amount of time.  We are given just as much as we are able to handle, here a little, there a little.  Little packets of knowledge and understanding come to us as needed.  That is how the Lord has always worked with me.  I think he works with everyone in a similar way though he may use different methods to accomplish his purposes.

I was in Denver on business last Thursday.  It was my birthday and I was looking forward to getting home.  I was filling up the tank of my rental car just outside the airport.  It was a little chilly and I wanted to get back in my car as soon as possible.  Just then, my cell phone started to vibrate and I looked down and saw a number I didn't recognize.  I answered.  On the line I heard a wonderful pair of voices singing me the "Las Mananitas" birthday song from Mexico.  If you don't speak Spanish here's the translation for you.

"These are the morning songs
 just like the ones that King David used to sing
 to all the lovely young maidens
 and because it is your birthday
we will now sing them to you.

Wake up my dear.  Wake up.
Look, the sun is already shining.
 The birds are singing happily their songs
and the moon in now hidden from our sight."

Happy Birthday to you!  Etc. Etc.

For the last 24 years, that is the song that my former father in law has sung to me in Spanish, only to me he is still my father in law.  He still tells me that I am his "Number 1" his "Numero Uno."  I was his first son in law.  I married his oldest daughter.  I have a whole other blog that came before this one where I tell my whole courtship story.  If you ever want to see what my former life was about, you can read it.  Just let me know and I'll send you the link.

While I was driving today, I felt a little tug on my heart to reach out to one of my former sister in laws.
"You need to talk to her about life in general and also about her relationship with her sister, your ex."  That was the feeling I had in my heart, so I listened and I called her.  We talked for about 45 minutes about a lot of things including her relationship with her sister, my ex wife.  After the talk was almost complete,  She told me how she had been crying just yesterday about what happened to our marriage and about losing me as a brother in law.  I was surprised and very moved.  I promised that I would be over to visit her and the family soon.  She told me that her mom would appreciate a phone call from me as well, that she was hurt that I hadn't communicated.

So I called her too.  She also was loving and caring towards me.  She was very encouraging as well and told me how I would completely heal in time and that she was so sorry for what happened between her daughter and me.  She told me that I was a kind and good man and a great father for my children.  She told me not to speak ill for the sake of the children.  She told me about all that had been going on in her life.  I apologized for not being in touch with her much since the divorce and that I still loved and cared for her.  I will now reach out to the rest of the in laws.

You know.  I still love them all.  They were very much a part of my life for 23 years.  There are countless experiences and memories that I have with them.  I saw them each as unique and special. Of course I saw their challenges and they saw mine, but we all loved each other.  I did my best to care for them.  I am so touched that they still value me and haven't forgotten me.

I know that not everyone's situation is the same as mine.  Not all in laws are so kind or believe us, but you know what?  We are not the only ones hurt by our divorces.  Our former extended families many times are heart broken too and just don't know how to reach out to us.  The time is coming when the Lord will prompt us to reach back out to them in his own time and in his own way.  Maybe at the right time, those relationships can be healed, at least with certain individuals.  We should take those opportunities as we are moved upon by the Holy Ghost.  Healing those breaches are also part of our own healing.

You know, relationships and the love we possess, are  a couple of examples of the very few things we can take with us when we leave this world.  On the other side, nothing else matters.  The same thing can be said of our existence in this world if the truth be told.  Faith, Hope and Charity.  Of these three Charity is the greatest, the pure love of Christ.  It never faileth.

May we all look for ways to build up the broken relationships surrounding our broken marriages. The Lord will show us the way.  As we heal our relationships, we heal our spirits.  It may not be an easy road, but if we seek to know our Father's will, he just may lead us to reestablish  and rebuild bridges that have been washed out.  Who knows?  We just need to be open enough to listen when he makes his will known to us.

Bless you brothers and sisters.  May we all feel the love of this Christmas season!  Love you all!


Friday, December 5, 2014

Turning Point

Well, a little more than a year has passed since my life was upended and I embarked on this new journey of discovery and learning.  It feels like this year has been packed with more experience and growth than any I can remember.  It feels like I've been through a crucible of sorts and I've gone through epiphany after epiphany to lead me to a much better country.

After I wrote my last post I had a feeling that something had changed, something had ended, or was different, as if I had completed a chapter.  I think I have.  I have processed so much.  I feel as though I have reset my life and now I'm poised to begin something new.  As I was talking to a good friend about this, she all of the sudden chimed in.

"You know what?  I think you've gone through the whole cycle of grief!"

"What?!"

"Ya.  You've gone through it. You've gone from denial to anger to sadness to acceptance to hope."

"Really?!"

"Yes.  Don't you see?"

Oh my gosh!  She's right again.  I really have gone through all those stages and didn't even realize it until she pointed it out, but it's all chronicled right here on the pages of this blog.  From the beginning to the last post, you can see my transformation from anguish to peace.  It's absolutely amazing.

I thought about writing more here.  I tried the other day to write something funny about dating or the search for a new partner, but I just couldn't.  That's not what this blog is about.  This blog is dedicated to healing.  The messages and the epiphanies in this blog are sacred and they show one man's journey to healing through the atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

Oh I know.  My healing is not yet complete.  I have more to learn.  Of course that is true, but my foundation is laid and I am building more and more each day.  I know I'll continue to have trials in life. I'll most likely cry again, but that's not what I'm focused on.  I'm focused on the Savior and moving forward.  I want to take my remaining days to use and dedicate to the Lord and helping my fellow man.

This blog was an attempt to turn something bitter into something sweet.  I feel that I have succeeded. The comments that I have received from family and friends have been so impactful and humbling and I am forever a better person because of my association with all of you.

I think I will give this blog a rest for a little while.  It may be that I find something new to write on this topic.  Maybe I'll start a new blog recording my new adventures.  I'm really not sure yet.  What I do know is that I'm so glad that I wrote this and I'm so glad that I'm traveling on the same road as you.

Let's keep it moving forward my friends.  We can do it and we'll never give up.




Friday, November 14, 2014

Waterfalls of Transformation


These last few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotion and development.  I'm astonished at what is taking place inside my spirit and psyche right now.  I don't ever remember a time in my life of such change and transformation.  I look at it as a special time of blessing and mercy from our Heavenly Father.  It's as if a dam has broken and the water is gushing out of huge gaps and is sweeping down debris in its path and making rough places smooth.  I have difficulty even describing all that is happening because so much is taking place in rapid succession or simultaneously.

After my last post I had declared a great victory in understanding how far I have come in acceptance of myself and my life purpose and mission.  Little did I know that I had not nearly arrived yet in my healing and learning.  I don't think I can explain this all in one post and still do it justice so I'll just pick up my story from where I left off and talk to you about what happened next.

After I came to that wonderful and freeing realization of what I've been doing through all these trials and what they meant to me and my children, I thought I had arrived at a major tipping point.  I still do believe it was a huge turning point for me, and I'm still enjoying the peace that comes from it.  But soon after, as I calmed down a bit, I had several people come up to me in the same day and ask me if I had forgiven my ex yet?

"What?  No.  Of course not."  I replied.  "Already?  Are you kidding me?  I don't think I'll be able to forgive her for a very long time.  Maybe after I've financially recovered from the damage she did to me and I'm comfortably with a new spouse and all my children are back with me full time.  When I pay no more support to her, and I have all my old furniture back and I own my own house again, then maybe I'll be in a position to forgive her.  You get that don't you?"  "Hmmm." was always the reply. "You have to let it go or you just won't be able to move on to the kind of productive life that you could have if you did" they say with concerned tones.  What the ...??!!!  As if it were that easy!  Just flip a switch and I'll forgive her.  Ya.  Right!!

Well, heck!  I thought I was doing good.  Who knew?  You mean I have to forgive her too?  Right now?  Give me a break!  I just got done understanding my life and what it means.  Now you tell me I have to forgive her?  Outrageous! What about all the crap she did?  How she hurt me, my children and countless others.  This was really just too much.  I tried to just shrug off the forgiveness idea and forget about it.  "Later" I told myself.  "Later."

There was only one problem.  As much as I tried to shrug it off, a kind of subtle uneasiness began to grow bit by bit inside my gut.  "What's up Brett?  You look concerned about something" says a friend.  "I'm fine." I say.  "Nothing's wrong". But over the next few hours, the uneasiness continues to grow.  I begin to realize that there is something wrong within.  I don't understand it at first.  I don't get it, but I soon begin to understand that I'm trembling inside.  Something is moving me.  I feel a kind of unexpected sorrow.  I can only describe that feeling as something spiritual, unearthly.  It was a kind of spiritual sadness.  I realized that although I wasn't crying on the outside, I was weeping on the inside.  I felt it in my stomach.  It was a trembling, crying feeling and it would not stop.  It would not go away.  I decided not to resist it.  I recognized that it came from Heavenly Father.  I realized that he was working with me.  He was asking me to give something up, something that I had been holding on to for a while.  I feel that trembling again as I write this.

"You need to give this up, Brett." I hear him say to me.  "It's holding you back."

"Are you sure Lord.  You want this from me now?"

"Yes, I do son.  For your own sake.  If you don't give this to me now, you run the risk of leaving yourself open to the Adversary.  He will come in and take away all my revelations that I have given you to this point.  You will be left weak and my spirit will not be able to stay with you.  Let it go my son.  I suffered so that you can live."

My trembling continues.  It continues for days.  It accompanies me to work, in my travels, in my quiet moments. It becomes my companion.  I do not resist the feeling.  I choose to embrace it.

"Come to me! Cleanse me!" I cry.  "I give this to you Father.  I cannot do this by myself.  I can only give you my anger if you help me.  I'm not strong enough on my own.  I'm only a weak and prideful man.  I can't forgive without your help."  I keep driving and my inward trembling continues.  I struggle on for a while in this sacred weeping and subtly, without my realizing it, I begin to change. Little by little the trembling fades and is replaced by a sweet calm.

My friends, I will never forget that feeling and how my weeping gradually morphed into peace.  I was in a spiritual struggle full of sadness, but divine in nature and underneath it all, there was a pure love.  I guess you can compare it to a loving parent embracing an enraged child and not letting go till all the weeping and anger is gone out of that child and peace and calm return.  That's the only thing I can compare it to.  It was a long spiritual embrace and struggle.  I had to get something out of my system and I couldn't do it by myself.  There was no way.  It could only be done by the grace of God through the atonement of Jesus Christ who I called upon.

After the third day, my weeping stopped.  My inner tears were gone.  So was my anger.  My memories were still intact, but my desire for vengeance was pretty much gone.  It wasn't that I had forgotten what had been done to me, it was just that it no longer seemed to matter so much.  I marveled at my new lack of anger and joy slowly began to return to me.

I went to visit my children in their new town at the end of this odyssey .  This was the town where my ex so rashly took them, where I resented to go, where my anger usually surfaced, but this time my heart filled with love.  There was a peace and a comfort there and I felt so much joy in my children's presence that I was astonished and grateful.  I felt that I could work with their mother again.  I had come so far.

I realized what a great mercy I had received from the Lord.  Instead of letting me seethe in my anger for years on end, he came and took it from me.  He would not have done so if I had not been willing. He would not take it against my will. I had to invite him to take it from me, my anger and bitterness. And when I did, he was there and he received it from me and released me from my prison.

I will tell you my friends, the Lord can do miracles with our hearts.  He can give us a new heart.  He can heal.  He can take away the poison.  Maybe you all are way ahead of me on this.  This was my trial,  my ordained path.  Is yours similar to mine?  My feeling is that we can all heal faster than we think.  We just have to be willing to give up our precious anger, our comfortable pride, our coveted sadness.  These things too we must place on the altar.

I do not say that I have arrived yet in any way.  Every time I think I've learned something wonderful, something new pops up that I hadn't considered, but I'm dealing with things one at a time, and as long as I'm willing, the Lord continues to heal my heart.

I love you my brothers and sisters.  This part of my story is done, but there's more, much more.  I'm not done with this saga and I have more to share which I will do soon enough.

For now I wish you all blessings and peace.

You are my fellow survivors.  You are all greater than you know.














Thursday, October 30, 2014

How Far I've Come

I was looking back over some of my journals last night from over a year ago.  I hadn't read those entries for quite a while.  They were the entries of when I was trying to save my marriage.  It was a time of severe trial and exquisite emotional pain.  Entry after entry was full of angst and crying out to the Lord.  Night after night as I was alone in my room I found myself constantly writing in my journal. I was desperately trying to release the toxic emotions out of my body and into the atmosphere for some semblance of relief. It was the only way I could cope and it was the only thing I knew to help me keep my sanity or make any sense out of my life.  In the midst of that, I lost my job, experienced huge financial pressures as result of decisions made by my spouse over a long period of time and also great fear of what would become of me and my children.  I also feared that I had lost all my chances and the promises of my patriarchal blessing and other pressures that I don't care to mention in this post.  I had been through many trials before that time, but the feelings I had then, were the most acute of them all;  and the thing that filled me full of the most absolute dread, was the idea of having to break my children's hearts.  The idea of telling them was just inconceivable to me and filled me with horror.  I can only liken that time to the feeling of being on your back with a 200 pound rock on your chest while someone sticks a knife in your gut and twists.  This on top of a growing suspicion that I had been betrayed and rejected for another and that the person had been my friend.  This is my poor attempt to describe where I was a year and a half ago and the feelings I was experiencing.

I used to think that those of us living in modern times could not compare with the pioneers or saints from past eras because of all they went through.  I have since come to believe that the Lord can try us to the core in these times just as well as he could in the past.  He can develop us just as much in the here and now.  There is no limit placed on our spiritual growth potential in our mortal experience.  It's all a matter of how we choose to embrace our trials.  We can suffer in a Godly way which turns us into gold or we can allow our trials to canker and embitter us to where we lose all our chances for joy.  I am choosing the latter.

I am tired of living in the past.  I have come a very long way since those bitter feelings engulfed me. I want to more fully embrace the idea of "Men are that they might have joy."

I wrote in my last post about how Heavenly Father has created a new way for me to see my life.  It took a long time for those realizations to set in, but once they did, that 200 pound rock disappeared and the knife got pulled out of my stomach.  My wounds are healing.

I still can't say that I have no anger for my ex, because I still do.  I guess that one will take some more time for me, but as far as how I see myself and my life mission, I have improved leaps and bounds and it has provided me with the kind of freedom that I have longed for over many years.  I can't tell you how much better I feel.

I don't want to stop here either.  I still want to rebuild my life completely and there are some missing components to it.  Those things missing will be filled over time, but I have come so far in my one year since my divorce that I am amazed and I believe the Lord is on my side helping me build more and more.  Should I have ever doubted that he would help?  No.  I've been talking with him non stop about what I want to do in the second half of my life and how I want to finish out my mission on this earth.  He hears me.  He knows what I want to do and what I want to accomplish.  In my mind I hear him answer me.  "I'm working on it.  All in it's proper time.  You can't skip any steps, Brett.  Little by little and all will be placed in its' proper position.  All the empty spaces will be filled.  Just trust me." And so I do.  I still believe and I still trust, and every day a little something changes for the better. Over time all the little improvements add up to a great deal.

So I guess the moral of the story is this:  Honor your past, but don't live there.  Each stage of life brings it's own opportunities and joys.  Each stage has been specially designed for our growth.  Let's not be satisfied in resting where we are.  If we can catch a glimpse of our true selve's and our true potential, then let's take the steps now to get ourselves to that place.  As we do so, the Lord will carry us on his wings.  I will not say that we are now done with all pain yet, but the day is coming when we will experience it no more.  For now, let's allow our pain to sanctify us and change us inside to grow to be who we are meant to be.  There is no other way on the Celestial path.  We have to walk through it.  It's by design and for our good.  We signed up for this.  We knew what we would have to face, but we rejoiced in it.

So I'm walking with you now brothers and sisters, on our divorce path, and honestly, I'm glad to have your company.


Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Your Personal Mission on this Earth

Have you ever felt like your mission on this earth, the promises made to you in blessings, or your special dreams have just been shattered, ripped apart or destroyed? It's easy for us divorced folks to feel that way.  Very easy.  The biggest dream of all, the idea of an eternal marriage has been ripped from us like a new scab off an old wound and the wound seems to keep oozing no matter how many bandages we apply.

The truth is that we all want to feel special.  We all want to feel that we are important to the Lord, to feel that he hasn't forgotten us, that we each have a wonderful and beautiful mission to fulfill in this life.  We want happy outcomes and happy endings.  We want all things to fall into place the way we think they are supposed to.  We all want to accomplish what we set out to do and we don't particularly enjoy all the opposition and detours that we constantly get hit with, and of course, we all want this to happen in our own time.

I have struggled with these feelings for many years, even before my divorce.  I've had many challenges that I won't go in to detail about in this post, but suffice it to say that I've always had big dreams and have always felt thwarted, like I was being held back, like I could never use my talents or that I was constantly being looked over.   It's been hard for me because of my very enthusiastic and intense spirit.  It has been one of my greatest challenges in the first half of my life and it has caused me much discomfort over the years.

Well, all those feelings were intensified and exacerbated through this divorce process. To feel like your number one calling as a husband has been rejected by your spouse and your dream of an eternal marriage and family has been dashed to pieces is a bitter, bitter pill to swallow.  I really don't feel that it was my fault. Though I was imperfect, I still didn't deserve what was handed to me.  Still, to have so many reversals happen over the course of my life time has not been easy.  They have seemed to come repeatedly to me.  Sometimes I have felt like Satan has placed a wager with God about whether I'll stay faithful or not, like he did with Job.  The Lord just turns around and says, "Go ahead.  Try him."  Then Satan unleashes all hell on me and kicks me up and down the street. Luckily, he has limits imposed and can't go too far or give me more than I can handle, but he comes close.  Somehow I manage to pick myself up off the ground and recover enough to fight another day.  I end up healing for awhile and then the bell rings again and I'm off to another knock down drag out fight with adversary.  The rounds take everything I've got to survive and I'm bruised and bloody, but I'm still standing.  My spirit is not broken.

Recently, I've had a great mercy bestowed upon me.  In counseling with friends and family and especially in talks with one particular friend, I have come to see myself in a much truer light.  I feel as though a great burden has been lifted off me.  By having an outside observer take a look at my life path and circumstances, I have been able to put one critical puzzle piece into place.  With this piece put in its proper place, now all the other pieces start to rapidly fit together.  The puzzle is not done yet, I don't know everything about my life, but I've been able to view part one in a way that makes so much sense and casts such a positive light on what I've done and accomplished thus far, that all my shame and regret have melted away.  I can view myself as the hero in my own story now instead of the one that's always thwarted, marred and held back.

This process has taken a long time.  I have received no visions or dreams.  The positive realizations have come as a result of self reflection, study of the gospel, striving to be completely honest with myself, listening to the input of loving friends and family, and of course, most of all, listening to the still small voice of the spirit.

I can say with complete confidence now:

1.  I have no shame for having gone through a divorce.
2.  I have no shame for not having more financial achievement thus far in life or that I suffered financial reversals because of things I couldn't control in my marriage and as a result of the divorce itself.
3.  I have no shame that I have not had more success in my career.
4.  I have no shame that I have not had greater callings in church.
5.  I have no regret that I did not develop more talents when I was younger or that I didn't have the chance to develop them or that my development was interrupted in some of them.

These are all things that have vexed me over the years.

Now:

a.  I am confident that my life has been one that pleases the Lord.
b.  I believe that my calling as a father to my specific children has been foreordained.
c.  I believe that my calling as a father to them has been my true calling and that it has superseded anything else.
d.  I believe that I chose to be a transformational person for my children and for my ex's family line.
e.  I believe that I have been willing to sacrifice everything to fulfill my calling and that my life decisions have reflected that focus.
f.  I believe that I knew my mission before this life and that I accepted it and rejoiced in it.
g.  I believe that many of the promises spoken of in my patriarchal blessing will begin to be unfolded in part two of my life, beginning now.

I am not perfect of course.  I'm still a work in progress, but these truths have become my truths and they have changed everything. I have become liberated.  I can go forward in part two of my life with no shame, and when the Lord sees fit to reveal to me a new companion, I won't have my hurt or disappointment overshadowing our relationship.  I'll be able to give to her freely as she deserves and together we will complete our story.

I know that we can all have these realizations come to us.  Yours may come in a dream or a vision. Mine came in another way that is no less significant.  The truth is out there brothers and sisters, whatever that truth may be.  I encourage you to put in the time and effort to discover your own.  We cannot control how and when the Lord will choose to reveal these things to us, but he will not withhold that information as we diligently seek to understand and are willing to submit and accept all that he reveals.  Until then, keep moving forward in faith.  Your time is coming.

I believe that I'm part of great group of divorce survivors in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  You are all still wonderful people with fabulous things yet to accomplish in this life.  I feel that it's my privilege to walk this path with you.

Thank you all for listening.  May you all discover the beautiful truth about yourselves.  You are all heroes!









Thursday, October 9, 2014

The Ex's Wedding: Repercussions for my Kids

Last time I wrote about how my ex's wedding day was a liberation day for me.  I think I did something great by having a party with wonderful and loving people.  It was probably one of the smartest moves I've made in my post divorce healing.  It was great for me and I still owe everyone who contributed.  Thank you all!

It's been about a week since then and what I'm seeing now is that my ex's wedding day was something quite different for my oldest daughters.  It wasn't a liberation day at all for them.  It was a day of pain and sadness.  Mind you, my oldest two never wanted to attend their mother's wedding. The thought of that caused anxiety and stress, but I told them that I thought they should go to help their younger siblings.  In my mind, it was very important for them to provide an emotional support structure for each other.  Just because their mom made decisions they don't agree with doesn't mean that they shouldn't pull together to love and support one another.  I think in the end, they will see that it was good counsel.  They were there for each other in a critical moment.

This is so difficult for me to see because I did everything I could to try to avoid this reality for them. My ex had no concept of what she did by taking the course she did.  The repercussions of her decisions are extremely far reaching.

Maybe writing this will help others think about what their own children are going through. Maybe it will help prevent someone from doing something foolish in the future.  Maybe it will bring focus on an issue that needs some attention.  Maybe it's just for me.

I don't know what I can do to reverse all this for my girls.  Honestly only the Lord can compensate for all our losses.  I only say that I am there for my girls.  I do everything I can for them. I call them frequently to see how they're doing and I'm able to counsel with them like never before.  I believe that Heavenly Father is inspiring me on what to say to them.  I love them.

My own mother is here for them too and my father.  They have been amazing through all this.  I think my divorce has carried blessings for us all in the fact that my children have been able to grow much closer to my parents than ever before.

I know that the Lord will raise up mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters for them as they grow and form families of their own, and that somehow, through the atonement, my children will lack for nothing.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

What to do on your Ex's Wedding Day

When I found out my ex was getting married I'll have to admit, my heart leapt within in me and my enthusiasm couldn't be contained.  This was going to mean freedom, liberation and of course, no more alimony!

Having said that I knew that I may not get off that easy.  I carefully decided to innoculate myself from any negative feelings by calling my friend Celinda.

"Celinda.  Can you help me throw a party on my exe's wedding day?"

"Oh, heck ya!"  was the reply.  And so it began.  A wonderful night of fun, laughter and great friendship.

If you want to get a party going, you need to get in touch of this awesome lady!



Don't forget the white elephant party!











Add some awesome guests!






Including virtual friends!



Get a place for the kids to hang out!


Raffle yourself off for a lunch date!



Now you're set!  No angst for the past.  Only happy and wonderful memories with fellow travelers.

Thanks so much for your help Celinda Joy Carson and all who came and supported me!

Monday, September 29, 2014

So it's Happening...

So my ex gets married in 4 days to my former neighbor. It will be a couple weeks shy of one year since the divorce was finalized.

Time flies, but it still feels strange and surreal to me that this whole thing happened.  Still thinking how unnecessary the whole thing was.  I do admit, however, that it couldn't go on the way it was and that I'm better off now than I ever was.  My life continues to improve incrementally.  No magic wands, just small steady improvements over time as if a loving Heavenly Father is watching out for me.

I love being with my kids for church on Sundays.  I fought for that.   It's special to me.  The pain comes when I'm driving them back to another town on Sunday night.  I hug each one of them goodbye when I drop them off.  It hurts for me to let them go.  This part is relatively new and it still aches in my bones and it takes awhile to shake off the heaviness in my heart.  I'm usually ok by Monday morning but still...

Good friends and family help soothe my tender feelings.  Thank goodness I have them in spades.

Some interesting things have transpired in my new life since divorce.

1.  I was made a High Priest.
2.  I got a new job and a raise.
3.  I was called to serve in the Stake High Council.
4.  I've made wonderful friends.
5.  I've been able to talk and interact with good single women who have gone through similar trials.  (This gives me hope and comfort to know that maybe I'll be able to find the kind of partner I want and need someday.)

There are still a lot of ups and downs for me but I feel an overarching feeling that the Lord is in charge and that he cares about me.

I'm trying to let him guide me and am trying to take advantage of the experiences he gives me now. I know I can't skip any steps, but that this path is likely to bring me the most joy now, and in the future.

I believe in Him and know that as each one of us examines his or her own life, we will be able to see how the Lord is guiding us along.  There's no worry that we won't make it if we follow those promptings and that guidance that comes from Heaven.  Our path will be sure.  I just know it.

So in conclusion I'll say this:

It will all work out brothers and sisters.  It will all work out.

Onward and upward!






Tuesday, September 23, 2014

The Spiritual Struggle of Marriage

When I was young I had list of what I wanted in a wife.  I recorded it in my journal.  It was all very idealistic and full of expectations.  When I found my ex wife, I believed that I had found that person. I idealized her and put her on a pedestal.  She was young, innocent, spiritually minded and beautiful. I dreamed about the life we would build together and the memories we would make.

The fact is that we were able to make many good memories and we raised beautiful children together. When it was good, it was good.  When it wasn't...it was challenging.  But the Lord was with us.  He was there to bless our efforts.  He didn't leave us without his support. We could have made it together, but my ex decided it wasn't worth it. She sought for greener pastures. There was nothing I could do to stop it from happening.  I guess I can take solace in the fact that I fought off the adversary for 23 years.  In the end, you can't protect your family if they willing turn away from you. Just can't do it no matter how strong you think you are or how much you try to protect them.

But every marriage conceived in righteousness starts out with the approval and blessing of the Lord.

Each partner in a marriage comes from a different background with different experiences. Each partner has a different personality.  Men and women are different.  Likes and dislikes can be different. Family traditions and practices are different.  With all the differences it's amazing that anyone gets married at all.  This risk of failure is great, and as everyone knows, the divorce rate is very high and with all the freedom we have these days, it's not surprising that many of us are in the divorce boat.  Perhaps in times past it wasn't as easy to get a divorce and people tended to stay together no matter what.  It's different today.

The truth is that we are drawn together as designed by the Lord.  We are meant to get married and have a partner in order to become our best selves and create and help Heavenly Father bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.  We are partners with Him.  The marriage bond for us is a three way covenant between each other and the Lord.

We are meant to cooperate as equals.  We usually start out young and inexperienced with very little of life's resources.  Little by little we begin to grow.  Our family grows with beautiful children, literal spirit children sent down to us by God.  Our economic circumstances improve. If we both stay focused on the Lord, our families begin to blossom and shine.  Our children increase in wisdom and beauty.  The Lord is with us both, inspiring us on how to raise our children, how to bring them up, how to protect and nurture them, how to nurture one another.  It can be beautiful.  It is beautiful.

The problem is that just as Heavenly Father is blessing us and our marriages and our new family unit, Satan is always at work trying to drive a wedge between husbands and wives.  He wants to destroy our eternal families.  He takes advantage of all our differences and all our weaknesses.  He utilizes the natural stress that comes in a marriage because of this mortal life and just will wreak havoc wherever he can.  I believe he is real, and he has many advantages over us in our mortal state.  If we take our eyes off the Savior, Satan will surely cause pain, distress and destruction.  He will laugh as our eternal families are destroyed.

That's what happened in my case.  He won that battle.  You would not have believed how beautiful my family was.  How precious it was.  The spirit was with us to a great degree, but I could not hold it together on my own and I mourn the loss of it.  Will always mourn the loss.

I used to think in my young mind that I could beat Satan.  I was a warrior in body and spirit. Nothing was going to beat me, including him.  The truth that I've learned over time, is that I can't beat Satan. No way. Not on my own. He's got me outgunned. He has way too much intelligence and experience. He also has too many tools and mortal world conditions to work with on his side.  Even my body would betray me if I don't do everything I can to control it.  I can only prevail one way, and that way is to completely rely on the Savior and his atonement to save me.  On my own, I'm too weak.

Before Joseph Smith experienced his first vision with God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ, he was attacked mercilessly by Satan.  He felt like he literally was going to die or be cast off to oblivion. The only way he was delivered was to call unceasingly on the Lord to deliver him.  He couldn't save himself.  The Lord had to intervene and he did.  Great as he was, Joseph was no match for Satan one on one.

Brothers and Sisters, we are no different.  If we don't keep our eye on the Savior, Satan will come and take away even more than he did with our marriages. He will take away our salvation.  You and I may not be in the circumstances we envisioned in our lives, but we haven't lost everything. We can and will rebuild, and for our righteousness we will receive double.  We need to recognize that we are still in a war and that Satan is fighting for our souls.  He wants more slaves to do his bidding.   There is only one defense against him and that is our Savior.  Let us never forget Him.  Let us never forget who we are either as spirit sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father.  If we do, there is not one thing that this world can take away from us that won't be restored to us double and even ten fold.

Let's learn our lesson well here and let's look to God and live.


Saturday, September 20, 2014

Family Chow Time



Ok.  I'll be the first one to admit that I'm not a great chef and that cooking is not on my bucket list to become good at.  I cook to survive as they say and to keep my kids alive.

Now that I'm a single Dad, I have to admit I take more time shopping for food and trying to get something at least halfway nutritious for my kids when they're with me.

I'll have to say that I've gotten mixed results.  This is not my natural habitat.  I'm nowhere near as good as their Mom.  My best bet is to take my own Mom with me shopping to Costco.  She always hooks me up good.  I'll get there someday folks.  I'm working on it.

The other day, my daughter comes in starving after being at her dance class.  "Hey girl! I've got some shrimp pasta in the freezer."  I call out.

"Oh, no thanks, Dad."

"Why?  What's wrong with that?"

"Too slimy."

"What?  Too slimy? You've got to be kidding!  I bought that straight from Smith's!  It's Marie Calendar brand.  Just give it a try."

"Ok. Dad.  I will." she says trying to conceal a slight frown.

"Good.  I'll heat this up for you in the microwave.  You'll like it.  I promise." I say hoping against hope.

"Fine." she replies with little to no enthusiasm.

After putting the pasta primavera in the microwave, I take off to run errands.  I forget all about it after that.  The next morning I go to use the microwave and what do I find there?  You guessed it, that dang pasta meal! "That little pill!"  I think to myself.  "What's it gonna take for her?" I put the meal in the fridge, shaking my head.  I'll just save it for later.

Later that day, lo and behold, my oldest daughter, the one that served in Nicaragua shows up unexpectedly.  She looks around for something to eat.  She looks in the fridge.  "Oh awesome Dad! Can I have this pasta?"

"Of course!"  I reply excitedly.

"Thanks so much Dad!"

"Victory!"  I think to myself.

The meal gets eaten. Go figure.  It takes someone who spent a year and half in a third world country to appreciate the pre-made meal I bought.  Well, at least it didn't go to waste.  I may have only heated it up in the microwave instead of cooked it from scratch, but it did get appreciated.  I know what you're thinking, pretty lame, but at least I had it there for her.

Well I can say this much.  When I do get my kids all together with me, I do what I can to give them a decent meal. By decent I mean edible.  This morning I cooked them bacon and pancakes.  Don't worry, they had some fruit too.  The good part had nothing to do with the food, although it may have helped a little.  The really cool thing is that they were so happy that I did that for them.  They loved their pancakes.  They were all in a great mood.  They loved being together.  Everyone was laughing and making jokes and everyone had enough to eat.  The old adage about family meals is true.  It's a great time to be together and everyone can be his or herself.  Lot's of fun and even gospel messages get shared at the family dinner table.  So, while I miss not having a partner with me to make those memories, I still love having a meal that I cooked with my kids.  It's a tender mercy and a true blessing for me.

I'm sure you all know all about this already, but it's a blessing for a single Dad like me.  I am truly grateful for the small things that bring my family together.  It makes me remember that I'm a good Dad and that I can do something to help my children feel loved and cared for at home.

Shout out to all you single parents out there!  You rock and you know that!  Keep up the good work! We shall prevail!




Thursday, September 18, 2014

Increased Understanding: Beauty for Ashes. Isaiah 61:3

I posted this in my LDS Survivors FB Group and wanted to remember it.


Increasing Understanding:
The longer I'm single, the more I am coming to realize just how ok the "divorced" status truly is. For those who really try to stay the course and keep close to the Lord, being divorced can actually be a badge of honor. If you know you did all you could do and the decision was inevitable for whatever reason or forced on you, then you are blameless. There is no need to feel bad in church. We ought to hold our heads up and feel good about ourselves for having survived and suffered through such bitter struggles. We have come out the victors. There are marks on our souls that can be read by others who see our wisdom and experience. Our counsel will be sought, and when we speak, people will listen, because we have fought the battles and have the scars to prove it. Time is not what we think it is and all will be made up soon enough. I will say that I feel no stigma coming from that fact I'm divorced. Neither should any of us. We will use the experience of divorce and turn it into a gift to bless the lives of others. Upward and onward!

Additional comment by me:

Surviving a divorce and suffering righteously for the Lord's sake only reveals to us who we really are and we can feel safe and at peace that we please the Lord.

Beautiful comment shared by Jen DeLapp Pocock.

I came across this scripture tonight and it fits so well with what you posted, Brett. This phrase, "Beauty for ashes," has been whispered in my head for weeks. 
"To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of jo
y for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.

"And they shall build the old wastes, they shall raise up the former desolations, and they shall repair the waste cities, the desolations of many generations...

"For your shame ye shall have double; and for confusion they shall rejoice in their portion: therefore in their land they shall possess the double: everlasting joy shall be unto them."
Isaiah 61:3

We are being given beauty for ashes (it takes a while for the transformation), we praise God as we are healed and the heaviness lifted, we become like a strong tree, glorifying God as one of his mightiest creations. We are building on marriages that were wasted. We are healing generations as we break unhealthy patterns that have haunted our families over and over again. Our shame isn't justified, so He will reward us doubly for enduring it. We will one day have everlasting joy.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Lessons in Divorced Parenting

I posted a comment the other day in an online divorce support group that I'm a part of talking about how frustrating it is to not be able to be the same kind of parent I was before the divorce.  Here is what I said.

"You know, it's been 10 months now going on 11 since the divorce and it still just doesn't feel right dropping off my kids at my ex's house on Sunday night. Doesn't feel right, cause it isn't right. It's not the way my kids were supposed grow up shuttling back and forth between homes. Don't think it will ever feel normal. Can't support them the same as I used to. It frustrates me to see what should have been and what is not a present reality for them. It's the cherished reality that they were robbed of because of selfishness. But there's nothing I can do other than keep moving forward and rebuilding, hopefully being an anchor for them."

After posting that comment, I received very encouraging remarks from members of that group.  It's nice to have a group of people that you can share common experiences with and that will support you when you need it.  I never knew I would receive such kindness from strangers.  I joined the group kind of casually, just mildly curious, but the benefits of the association have been very helpful to me.

Here are some of my observations about my parenting experience now.

1.  My kids still love me and enjoy being with me.
2.  My kids don't blame me for what happened.
3.  My kids seem to appreciate me more now since they don't see me everyday.  (At least that's one advantage I didn't have before.)
4.  The kids know that I tried my best and didn't want this outcome for them.

My strategy to be an effective and loving parent moving forward includes some of the following efforts:

1. Try to keep my home as normal and peaceful as possible.  
2. Try to make it place where they can truly feel at home and safe.
3. Provide them structure at home with basic rules, expectations and chores.
4. Continue to teach them the gospel and have family prayer regularly.

I also try to spend time with them one on one.  These can be just short informal periods of time when I ask questions and listen to them.  I try to let them talk about what they want to talk about, not necessarily my own agenda.  These times can be during drive time, work time, or play.  Anytime is a good time.  They almost are never formal times, just everyday living.

I also talk to them a-lot about working hard in school, making friends, becoming their best selves and developing their relationship with Heavenly Father.  They know that I think they are all great because I tell them they are.  They know that I want them to work hard so that they can have great futures.

I also try not to badmouth their mom, but I'm sure my attitude seeps out a little sometimes.  Still working on that. Not easy.

I know that I'm not perfect at all this and that there is a huge hole in my home that is not easily replaced where their mother used to be. But I do my best and I think I am not doing a bad job.  They all know that they are supported and loved by me.

One good thing right now is that I have my third daughter staying with me most days.  She wants to finish her high school where she has been going so I get the benefit of her company a-lot more than I used to.

It's been hard as my girls have grown up and moved a little away from their Dad.  Just a natural process I know.  Now I get to spend time with my third daughter in the evenings.  She thinks I'm smart because I help her with all her homework.  Last night it was Spanish and current events.  She didn't know a thing about our how our government and political systems work, so I've been teaching her all about the three branches of government, the two party system, healthcare, insurance, etc.  I must say, I enjoy the time we spend together and I think she does too.

I told her last night, "You see?  This is a special time for you and me.  You'll be able to look back when you're older and remember the time when you lived with your Dad.  Times like these don't last, so you have to take advantage of them when you have them."

"I know Dad." she replied.  "I love you."

And so it goes.  You take what life gives you, whatever that may be and make the absolute most of it. No, things are not the same.  They still have to shuttle back and forth between homes.  I don't get to be around them as much as before.  But I'll say this.  I have opportunities every time I see them to make a significant difference for them.  There are new opportunities here that I didn't have before, like living with my daughter on our own.  I know this is Heavenly Father's work and I'm trying my best. I walk imperfectly but I'm giving it my all and that's all I can do.  The Lord makes up the rest.

I know you all know this already, but thanks for letting me share.  Writing this is a blessing to me.









Thursday, September 4, 2014

Football Dreams


Me and my buddy Craig the summer after 7th Grade.  I was gonna play in the NFL!  (1977 or 78  :)



So I went to my son's 7th grade football game last night.

You have to understand, I love football.  I played it as a boy and relished in it.  Football is the ultimate team sport and can teach so many life lessons.  You make so many friends on a football team when you're a kid and you get live your dreams through it.  Everything is so open and the future is so bright for you.  You believe you're going to play in the NFL some day and that nothing can stop your success. It's a time of magic when anything is possible and life is just going to get better and better and more and more awesome.  It's just supposed to be that way.  Right?  Isn't that how life works?

Well since that time, life has thrown some very tough challenges my way.  I won't get into my whole life story with you, but I've been brought to my knees and humbled multiple times since than.  Been dragged through the mud and shown my own nothingness.  Have eaten dust and been left weak. I've learned that I can't do life on my own without divine assistance.  I look around me and I see so many others who don't have the Lord in their lives and even some who do, who seem to skate right along. Nothing stops them. They seem to live a charmed life with unmitigated success flowing in their wakes. What they set out to do seems to land comfortably in their laps.  There's nothing there to throw them off their games.  I think to myself, "That could've been me".  You take away of few of my obstacles and I would make multiple life touchdowns. Would be the MVP of the game. At least in my own mind.

I know that's not my path.  Not the reason I came down here.  I know if that were my path, I wouldn't grow or develop much.  I'd be a spiritual weakling with no chance to build the muscle needed for the eternities, at least the kind of eternity I desire.

Well, I had a muscle building experience last night at my son's game.  What is usually a joyous experience for me where I bond with my sons and celebrate life with them got intruded upon. Intruded upon because my ex brought her fiance, my former neighbor, to watch my son's game with her.  Mind you, I haven't even been divorced a year yet.  It's very difficult to not allow my rage to erupt.

Seeing them last night was a wake up call.  Whether I like it or not, I'm going to have to keep seeing these two over and over again.

As difficult as it is now and probably will always be, it's me that is required to forgive and that's no small order.  Sometimes I feel that I do forgive.  Other times, like last night, it's just not happening. The Lord intervened for me the last time I saw them together at my daughter's homecoming.  Now I have to work on it on my own and get stronger. I know in time I'll be able to handle this better. Seeing them was like a milestone.  It was a first in regular life.  I've seen them now in a normal life situation.  It will be the first of many. Let's move on.  Right?

It's just that these next few months are going to bring some challenges to me.  Not only has she moved my kids away, but she will be marrying him next month.  It will be bitter sweet for me. Happy that I can stop paying her.  Sad because it will just symbolically cement the destruction of a dream. A dream I had of an eternal family.

But you mark my words my friends, by the grace of God, I'll build a new one, and my children will still be sealed to me.  That's the promise I'm relying on.  And though I can't control the Lord's will or timing in these matters, I still stand upon the promises.  Don't worry.  I'll get over it.  Just like when I played football, I'll never give up.  Upward and onward!

Thank you for letting me rant my friends.  :)


Monday, September 1, 2014

Parenting: It's Different Now


(Photo from several years ago)

You know?  Parenting is different now since the big D bomb hit my life.

I've always been such an involved Dad.  Have always been there for my kids.  Have always tried to make sure they're safe and taken care of.  I can't help but to say that I was always the stable one for them.   I fought to keep our family intact.  I'm not trying to say I'm perfect, but I try really hard because I want only the best for my kids.  Didn't want them to have to experience the pain of a divorce.

Don't get me wrong.  Their mother loves them too and does many good things for them.  I can never the take the place of their mother.  But I'm the one that held our covenants sacred.  Where I fault her as a parent is that she couldn't find at least one good reason to love her children's father.  Couldn't find anything worth saving in our marriage.

So I'm still working through my issues with her, but I'm mostly happy with life.  Just get that fury when I think too much about the past.  Got to just keep focusing on the good and all the wonderful opportunities ahead.  The bright future is real and I can taste it.  Have already taken many strides and am rebuilding my life as we speak.

What I'm having to get used to regarding parenting is that I don't have the same control and don't feel that I can support them the same way as I used to.  They are constantly running back and forth between two cities.  Can't coach my sons anymore because they live too far away during the week. Can't help them as much in school.  Don't see them on a daily basis anymore except on the weekends. Can't fix things as much.  Can't protect them as much as I used to.  Sometimes they want to hang with their friends more than they want to hang with me.  It's a big adjustment from what I knew for over 20 years. It's different.  It's not what I wanted or planned for.

I was really upset the other night thinking and praying about this.  I was tossing and turning in bed. Talking this over and over with the Lord.  Finally I managed to fall asleep. When I woke up the next morning I had kind of forgotten about my angst.  I was getting ready for my day when my mom called and wanted to go on a walk in the cemetery with me in my neighborhood.  I decided to go with her.

We chatted about a-lot of things as we walked.  We talked about personal stuff.  She gave me some insights about what I might need or want in a future spouse.  She helped me clarify some questions I had in my mind regarding that issue.  I had been mulling that over too.  Was experiencing some confusion.  She gave me a couple of key ideas to consider and I knew that Lord had been looking out for me and I was very grateful.

With regards to my concerns about my ability to parent my children as effectively as before, she reminded me that my children are growing up.  They are moving through their stages.  Only one is still not a teen.  All the rest have passed the threshold and are transitioning into adulthood.  It's natural for them to move away somewhat from the parent.  They are wanting to become independent and that is a natural and normal process.  They obviously still love me and look to me for support.  I will always be their father. They don't blame me for what happened and they would never seek to replace me.  I still hold a key place in their lives.  I'm not done raising them to adulthood yet.  She told me that even if my marriage had stayed together that I would be experiencing some of these feelings anyway.  You can't stop children from growing up, no matter how hard you wish for it.

Those words gave me a-lot of comfort.  No, I can't parent exactly the way I did with them before. That was a unique and beautiful time as a parent.  But I did enough with the time I had.  I got them grounded before the marriage died, so when it finally happened they were able to cope much better than I had anticipated.  I followed the spirit leading up to the break up as I was prompted time and time again to take my boys on trips and excursions the summer before it all went down.  Somehow I felt that my time was short.  And it was.

Now, though my time is different with them with more chaos thrown in, I try to follow the spirit still. When I feel a prompting to say something, I do.  When I feel a nudge to take them somewhere, I do. I try to organize activities that will help them build friendships with other kids in my neighborhood and ward.  I'll admit that I don't do this nearly as well as what a mother would do.  As I said, I can never replace their mother, but I'm a pretty dang good father.  So I'm believing that the Lord is in charge and he can help make up for what I lack.  I'll contribute what I can, when I can, where I can, and it will be enough. It has to be.  I believe I can still be successful.

These are the ideas that came to me as a result of talking with my mom who was listening to the spirit. These ideas came as an answer to my prayers.  They have also come while writing this post.  They may seem simple but they're all true and I needed to be reminded.

Here's wishing all of you answers to your own prayers and healing within and without.

Take care and good night my friends!




Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Weakness inside Strength: Ether 12:27

Today I'm going to open up to you a little.  I've got a confession to make.  I'm going to tell you about something that's both a strength and a weakness for me.

All my life I've been tender hearted.  Tender hearted in the fact that I'm sensitive.  Sensitivity can be good. Good because I love people.  I want to help people.  But sometimes, sensitivity causes you pain. Sometimes it hurts you when it shouldn't.

To give you some background,  I was the kid that would always get up and bear his testimony in my ward growing up.  I would take a Book of Mormon with me to school in the 6th grade and read it during breaks.  I gave a copy of the Book of Mormon to my librarian at my elementary school and challenged her to read it.  I watched the 10 Commandments movie with Charlton Heston when I was 7 and I wept when I saw the Angel of Death creeping over Egypt to take the first born.  I would not hesitate to share my beliefs with my friends and I even had some of them join the church.  I had a-lot of passion, a-lot spiritual desire, many spiritual dreams. Still do.

I'm not ashamed or embarrassed about this part of me.  It's who I was and who I am. Wasn't Jesus also sensitive?  Wasn't Joseph Smith?  If you study their lives you'll realize they were very sensitive as well. Can you imagine how lonely the Savior must have felt growing up as a child?  There was no one who could understand or really relate to him.  He could have been running the kingdom when he was 12. What were the other 12 year olds doing at that time?  Were they thinking the same thoughts as he was or feeling the same things?  Of course not.

Now my friends, I don't mean to infer that I'm anything like the Savior or Joseph Smith or any of the great prophets.  I mean that would be ridiculous.  I only say that I identify with them in their sensitivity, if only a tiny bit. I would say that I believe that I have been blessed spiritually by my sensitive nature and I don't intend to give that up.  It has served me very well throughout my life.

Where the rub comes, is the fact that this same strength opens me up to be hurt.  Hurt by people who would deceive or try to manipulate me.  I was naive when I was young.  Never thought that anyone would think evil or have ulterior motives.  I was always so hurt to find out that some people did have bad intentions, that they spoke behind my back or made fun of me or lied about me.  I know I was different than many and the different one always sticks out, especially when you're young.

I've come a long way since then.  I can read people much better now.  Can detect when people are selfish.  My job has given me a-lot of experience in this regard.  I'm a veteran now. But I'm not infallible.  I can still be deceived.  I can still be hurt. And I was hurt for many years.

I want to channel Brigham Young sometimes.  He always knew his business and didn't give a hoot what anyone else thought of him.  He just simply didn't have time for nonsense and he walked it all under his feet. He got stuff done and nothing knocked him off his game.   I don't yet have that strength, but I want it.

I'm determined to learn from my new life as a divorced man.  I'm determined not be manipulated by tears, or anger, or frustration.   I'm determined to keep my focus where it needs to be, on working with my ex to raise my children.  I want to place an emotional shield around myself.  I was given a spiritual shield on the day of my daughter's homecoming.  Now I need to build an emotional one for myself during the rest of the time.  I can't expect the Lord to intervene for me at every instance.  I need to wrap my head around what is going on around me with my ex and deal with it.  That's what the Lord expects and that's what I'm committing to do.  I expect to make progress.

Maybe you have had similar feelings.  I know I'm not the only one to dealing with this.  Maybe we can join together to build emotional strength so that no matter what they say, we don't get knocked off our game.

Are you with me brothers and sisters?

Let's move on!






Friday, August 22, 2014

Letting her go

I am reposting this from LDS Divorce Survivors.  This started my blogging again with the encouragement of a great friend.


Hello My Divorced Friends.
I'm usually not the one who posts here although I've commented a time or two and tried to add something positive to the discussion with you all, but tonight I feel the need to express myself, and seeing that all of you are in the same situation and going through all the same stages, I'll hope you will indulge me a little.
It's been 9 and half months since my marriage ended and I must admit that most of my feelings towards my ex have been anger and sadness, and also, I must admit, the desire for satisfaction for what has been done to me. I know I wasn't always perfect of course and that I have my own progression as a person to consider, but since she made the decisions she did, my righteous indignation has been in overdrive for many months. I can't blame myself too much for this. I think these feelings are very normal considering what I've been through.
Honestly, I'm still not over it. The negative feelings are there, but I know I need to move on. I don't want my anger stalking me or coming between me and a future partner. I want to carry as little baggage as possible moving forward.
So tonight I realized that I've never allowed myself to grieve for the loss I suffered, for the good that I had with her, for the love we once shared, for the blessings of the Lord that were upon us as a couple. Tonight I will allow myself to grieve. I will grieve for the loss of what might have been, had different choices been made, had a different reality unfolded. The blessings in my marriage were real and their loss is real also. I need to honor that. I need to let myself feel the loss without my anger. To let my spirit process the betrayal and the loss. I know it is not the Lord's fault for what happened. I'm not angry at him for the things he let me experience. I have become stronger when viewing my own weaknesses that were exposed during the marriage. I don't intend to allow them to continue in my life. But I need to let myself feel what I have covered up with my anger.
Tonight I intend to grieve the loss of my wife fully and then give her back to the Lord to do with as he will for her good and mine. The covenant she made with me is broken, but my covenant with the Lord is not broken. I plan to mourn and then willingly place her in the Lord's hands. I intend to give her up in my mind and my heart and to look forward from now on as much as I can. Of course I will need grace to actually do this. I can't do it without divine help. I'm only human but I seek to be a new creature in Christ and my hope and desire is that all my pain be consecrated to my good and the good of my children and all those who I associate with.
I hope you all can join with me in this endeavor. Let's do whatever we can to give up all our pain and anger and turn it over to the Lord. I know this will take time and effort for us to accomplish and that we can't just flip a switch and have everything be all better at once. But let's do our best to give our marriages a proper burial and give our former spouses back to the Lord to deal with. We've been released from our callings. Let's mourn as we must but then let's look forward in great anticipation to the great futures we all have ahead of us and not forget to enjoy the great blessings we are enjoying right now in our time of freedom.
Hope your evening is full of peace and joy. Thanks for listening.

Take care.