These last few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotion and development. I'm astonished at what is taking place inside my spirit and psyche right now. I don't ever remember a time in my life of such change and transformation. I look at it as a special time of blessing and mercy from our Heavenly Father. It's as if a dam has broken and the water is gushing out of huge gaps and is sweeping down debris in its path and making rough places smooth. I have difficulty even describing all that is happening because so much is taking place in rapid succession or simultaneously.
After my last post I had declared a great victory in understanding how far I have come in acceptance of myself and my life purpose and mission. Little did I know that I had not nearly arrived yet in my healing and learning. I don't think I can explain this all in one post and still do it justice so I'll just pick up my story from where I left off and talk to you about what happened next.
After I came to that wonderful and freeing realization of what I've been doing through all these trials and what they meant to me and my children, I thought I had arrived at a major tipping point. I still do believe it was a huge turning point for me, and I'm still enjoying the peace that comes from it. But soon after, as I calmed down a bit, I had several people come up to me in the same day and ask me if I had forgiven my ex yet?
"What? No. Of course not." I replied. "Already? Are you kidding me? I don't think I'll be able to forgive her for a very long time. Maybe after I've financially recovered from the damage she did to me and I'm comfortably with a new spouse and all my children are back with me full time. When I pay no more support to her, and I have all my old furniture back and I own my own house again, then maybe I'll be in a position to forgive her. You get that don't you?" "Hmmm." was always the reply. "You have to let it go or you just won't be able to move on to the kind of productive life that you could have if you did" they say with concerned tones. What the ...??!!! As if it were that easy! Just flip a switch and I'll forgive her. Ya. Right!!
Well, heck! I thought I was doing good. Who knew? You mean I have to forgive her too? Right now? Give me a break! I just got done understanding my life and what it means. Now you tell me I have to forgive her? Outrageous! What about all the crap she did? How she hurt me, my children and countless others. This was really just too much. I tried to just shrug off the forgiveness idea and forget about it. "Later" I told myself. "Later."
There was only one problem. As much as I tried to shrug it off, a kind of subtle uneasiness began to grow bit by bit inside my gut. "What's up Brett? You look concerned about something" says a friend. "I'm fine." I say. "Nothing's wrong". But over the next few hours, the uneasiness continues to grow. I begin to realize that there is something wrong within. I don't understand it at first. I don't get it, but I soon begin to understand that I'm trembling inside. Something is moving me. I feel a kind of unexpected sorrow. I can only describe that feeling as something spiritual, unearthly. It was a kind of spiritual sadness. I realized that although I wasn't crying on the outside, I was weeping on the inside. I felt it in my stomach. It was a trembling, crying feeling and it would not stop. It would not go away. I decided not to resist it. I recognized that it came from Heavenly Father. I realized that he was working with me. He was asking me to give something up, something that I had been holding on to for a while. I feel that trembling again as I write this.
"You need to give this up, Brett." I hear him say to me. "It's holding you back."
"Are you sure Lord. You want this from me now?"
"Yes, I do son. For your own sake. If you don't give this to me now, you run the risk of leaving yourself open to the Adversary. He will come in and take away all my revelations that I have given you to this point. You will be left weak and my spirit will not be able to stay with you. Let it go my son. I suffered so that you can live."
My trembling continues. It continues for days. It accompanies me to work, in my travels, in my quiet moments. It becomes my companion. I do not resist the feeling. I choose to embrace it.
"Come to me! Cleanse me!" I cry. "I give this to you Father. I cannot do this by myself. I can only give you my anger if you help me. I'm not strong enough on my own. I'm only a weak and prideful man. I can't forgive without your help." I keep driving and my inward trembling continues. I struggle on for a while in this sacred weeping and subtly, without my realizing it, I begin to change. Little by little the trembling fades and is replaced by a sweet calm.
My friends, I will never forget that feeling and how my weeping gradually morphed into peace. I was in a spiritual struggle full of sadness, but divine in nature and underneath it all, there was a pure love. I guess you can compare it to a loving parent embracing an enraged child and not letting go till all the weeping and anger is gone out of that child and peace and calm return. That's the only thing I can compare it to. It was a long spiritual embrace and struggle. I had to get something out of my system and I couldn't do it by myself. There was no way. It could only be done by the grace of God through the atonement of Jesus Christ who I called upon.
After the third day, my weeping stopped. My inner tears were gone. So was my anger. My memories were still intact, but my desire for vengeance was pretty much gone. It wasn't that I had forgotten what had been done to me, it was just that it no longer seemed to matter so much. I marveled at my new lack of anger and joy slowly began to return to me.
I went to visit my children in their new town at the end of this odyssey . This was the town where my ex so rashly took them, where I resented to go, where my anger usually surfaced, but this time my heart filled with love. There was a peace and a comfort there and I felt so much joy in my children's presence that I was astonished and grateful. I felt that I could work with their mother again. I had come so far.
I realized what a great mercy I had received from the Lord. Instead of letting me seethe in my anger for years on end, he came and took it from me. He would not have done so if I had not been willing. He would not take it against my will. I had to invite him to take it from me, my anger and bitterness. And when I did, he was there and he received it from me and released me from my prison.
I will tell you my friends, the Lord can do miracles with our hearts. He can give us a new heart. He can heal. He can take away the poison. Maybe you all are way ahead of me on this. This was my trial, my ordained path. Is yours similar to mine? My feeling is that we can all heal faster than we think. We just have to be willing to give up our precious anger, our comfortable pride, our coveted sadness. These things too we must place on the altar.
I do not say that I have arrived yet in any way. Every time I think I've learned something wonderful, something new pops up that I hadn't considered, but I'm dealing with things one at a time, and as long as I'm willing, the Lord continues to heal my heart.
I love you my brothers and sisters. This part of my story is done, but there's more, much more. I'm not done with this saga and I have more to share which I will do soon enough.
For now I wish you all blessings and peace.
You are my fellow survivors. You are all greater than you know.
After my last post I had declared a great victory in understanding how far I have come in acceptance of myself and my life purpose and mission. Little did I know that I had not nearly arrived yet in my healing and learning. I don't think I can explain this all in one post and still do it justice so I'll just pick up my story from where I left off and talk to you about what happened next.
After I came to that wonderful and freeing realization of what I've been doing through all these trials and what they meant to me and my children, I thought I had arrived at a major tipping point. I still do believe it was a huge turning point for me, and I'm still enjoying the peace that comes from it. But soon after, as I calmed down a bit, I had several people come up to me in the same day and ask me if I had forgiven my ex yet?
"What? No. Of course not." I replied. "Already? Are you kidding me? I don't think I'll be able to forgive her for a very long time. Maybe after I've financially recovered from the damage she did to me and I'm comfortably with a new spouse and all my children are back with me full time. When I pay no more support to her, and I have all my old furniture back and I own my own house again, then maybe I'll be in a position to forgive her. You get that don't you?" "Hmmm." was always the reply. "You have to let it go or you just won't be able to move on to the kind of productive life that you could have if you did" they say with concerned tones. What the ...??!!! As if it were that easy! Just flip a switch and I'll forgive her. Ya. Right!!
Well, heck! I thought I was doing good. Who knew? You mean I have to forgive her too? Right now? Give me a break! I just got done understanding my life and what it means. Now you tell me I have to forgive her? Outrageous! What about all the crap she did? How she hurt me, my children and countless others. This was really just too much. I tried to just shrug off the forgiveness idea and forget about it. "Later" I told myself. "Later."
There was only one problem. As much as I tried to shrug it off, a kind of subtle uneasiness began to grow bit by bit inside my gut. "What's up Brett? You look concerned about something" says a friend. "I'm fine." I say. "Nothing's wrong". But over the next few hours, the uneasiness continues to grow. I begin to realize that there is something wrong within. I don't understand it at first. I don't get it, but I soon begin to understand that I'm trembling inside. Something is moving me. I feel a kind of unexpected sorrow. I can only describe that feeling as something spiritual, unearthly. It was a kind of spiritual sadness. I realized that although I wasn't crying on the outside, I was weeping on the inside. I felt it in my stomach. It was a trembling, crying feeling and it would not stop. It would not go away. I decided not to resist it. I recognized that it came from Heavenly Father. I realized that he was working with me. He was asking me to give something up, something that I had been holding on to for a while. I feel that trembling again as I write this.
"You need to give this up, Brett." I hear him say to me. "It's holding you back."
"Are you sure Lord. You want this from me now?"
"Yes, I do son. For your own sake. If you don't give this to me now, you run the risk of leaving yourself open to the Adversary. He will come in and take away all my revelations that I have given you to this point. You will be left weak and my spirit will not be able to stay with you. Let it go my son. I suffered so that you can live."
My trembling continues. It continues for days. It accompanies me to work, in my travels, in my quiet moments. It becomes my companion. I do not resist the feeling. I choose to embrace it.
"Come to me! Cleanse me!" I cry. "I give this to you Father. I cannot do this by myself. I can only give you my anger if you help me. I'm not strong enough on my own. I'm only a weak and prideful man. I can't forgive without your help." I keep driving and my inward trembling continues. I struggle on for a while in this sacred weeping and subtly, without my realizing it, I begin to change. Little by little the trembling fades and is replaced by a sweet calm.
My friends, I will never forget that feeling and how my weeping gradually morphed into peace. I was in a spiritual struggle full of sadness, but divine in nature and underneath it all, there was a pure love. I guess you can compare it to a loving parent embracing an enraged child and not letting go till all the weeping and anger is gone out of that child and peace and calm return. That's the only thing I can compare it to. It was a long spiritual embrace and struggle. I had to get something out of my system and I couldn't do it by myself. There was no way. It could only be done by the grace of God through the atonement of Jesus Christ who I called upon.
After the third day, my weeping stopped. My inner tears were gone. So was my anger. My memories were still intact, but my desire for vengeance was pretty much gone. It wasn't that I had forgotten what had been done to me, it was just that it no longer seemed to matter so much. I marveled at my new lack of anger and joy slowly began to return to me.
I went to visit my children in their new town at the end of this odyssey . This was the town where my ex so rashly took them, where I resented to go, where my anger usually surfaced, but this time my heart filled with love. There was a peace and a comfort there and I felt so much joy in my children's presence that I was astonished and grateful. I felt that I could work with their mother again. I had come so far.
I realized what a great mercy I had received from the Lord. Instead of letting me seethe in my anger for years on end, he came and took it from me. He would not have done so if I had not been willing. He would not take it against my will. I had to invite him to take it from me, my anger and bitterness. And when I did, he was there and he received it from me and released me from my prison.
I will tell you my friends, the Lord can do miracles with our hearts. He can give us a new heart. He can heal. He can take away the poison. Maybe you all are way ahead of me on this. This was my trial, my ordained path. Is yours similar to mine? My feeling is that we can all heal faster than we think. We just have to be willing to give up our precious anger, our comfortable pride, our coveted sadness. These things too we must place on the altar.
I do not say that I have arrived yet in any way. Every time I think I've learned something wonderful, something new pops up that I hadn't considered, but I'm dealing with things one at a time, and as long as I'm willing, the Lord continues to heal my heart.
I love you my brothers and sisters. This part of my story is done, but there's more, much more. I'm not done with this saga and I have more to share which I will do soon enough.
For now I wish you all blessings and peace.
You are my fellow survivors. You are all greater than you know.
