My first Lessons from Dating in My Second Life

It's been several months since I've written in this blog.  Sometimes I forget how cathartic writing can be, how it can be a source of comfort and revelation in and of itself.  So as my journey continues on this planet, I'll write here again periodically and I'll share it.  I'll keep learning and perhaps others can make connections and realizations and grow along with me.  We are all on this path of progression. We are all brothers and sisters experiencing feelings common to the human condition.  We are all on the pathway back to God, so should we not share and help each other along?  I think so.

Time keeps passing and nothing can slow it down.  Change is inevitable.  25 years ago I came to a major transition in life.  I left the world of young singlehood and became a husband.  I accepted that I would no longer search, no longer flirt, no longer play with anyone of the opposite sex other than my new wife.  I made that transition, and I believe that I made it well.  My identity grew and I grew because I accepted and embraced the new responsibilities that married life brought to me.  I became a father and my responsibilities grew ten fold.  The load, though heavy, only developed me inside. I changed, I believe, into something better than I was before, more developed as an individual, stronger and more capable, also more understanding, more loving.

When a new role, such as becoming a husband and father becomes incorporated into you, it grafts itself into your very fibers and weaves itself into your DNA, so when that role gets interrupted, such as is my case with divorce, it is a great shock to the system.  Suddenly you are asked to change again, to deal with something that you thought was a closed chapter.  You are faced with embracing parts of your personality that haven't been seen in years.

When my divorce was final, two years ago, like many other men, I immediately started dating. I know the rule is to go slow with these things, but there was a huge gaping hole in my life, and I wanted to fill it up immediately.  I saw no value in me being alone.  I didn't see the good that could come from it or how it could teach me and develop me.  After experiencing the acute loss of love from a spouse, I wanted and needed and still do need love.  So I didn't hesitate to search for it. Remember, I'm a salesman by profession. I'm not afraid to prospect.

I very quickly found someone who I had known before, and I reached out to her.  I was very pleasantly surprised when she accepted my friendship and was also open to something more. I can't tell you how nice it was to feel appreciated again and to share a romantic feeling.  It had been a long time since the estrangement from my former wife began. I hadn't experienced any of those loving feelings for a long time. At first it was strange to even touch another woman that wasn't my spouse after all those years of marriage.  I was awkward and I didn't know what to do or how to proceed. That soon melted away as soon as I got near her.  Oh ya!  I remember this.  This is easy! This is nice! I could get used to it!

Soon we were talking on the phone every day, texting, flirting, etc.  It was wonderful.  I was getting that high again that I got all those years ago when I was courting my ex. Yep.  It was a good boost to my self image for me to see that an attractive woman could appreciate me and see in me, some value. In a difficult marriage, I had managed to find validation for myself when I wasn't getting any from my spouse. I'll admit, however, it feels absolutely wonderful to receive that from someone of the opposite sex that you are interested in. There's nothing like that.

One thing I noticed during this time was that I found myself acting like a husband again, at least in my own mind. Unconsciously I began reassuming my old role, the role that I had played for 23 years. I had not yet made the emotional transition from being married to being single.  If I've learned anything through all my experience is that time is needed to make transitions and we need to make those transitions a little bit at a time and not all in one fell swoop.  That's how it works.  Overload yourself with transitions you are not ready for and you will end up in the same poor position as before only compounded.  That's why we see lots of second marriages crash.  I'm hoping to avoid that if I can.

So, as intense as I felt for a time, I realized after a few months, that I was in no condition to continue. I had not dated or gotten to know any other women.  I still didn't know myself and what was best for me as a single person.  I had not taken the time to heal.  I still had much hurt and anger toward my former spouse.  How would that ever be of benefit to a new woman in my life?  It would be unfair to her to have to deal with it.  Also, would it be good for my children, after seeing their mom immediately jump into a relationship with a former neighbor, to then watch their dad jump into a relationship too, as if my marriage to their mom had never mattered at all?  No way.  No way.

Children are resilient, but mine were hurting just as much as I was, especially my daughters, one of which was out of the country serving a mission for the church. I couldn't be practically married when she returned home.  I can just see it.  "Welcome home my beautiful daughter.  Your mom and I are divorced now since you left and by the way we are both marrying other people and all while you were out of the country serving the Lord and teaching people about eternal families. Surprise!"

No, no.  I needed to be there for my daughter when she got home.  I needed to help her transition herself from all the enormous changes she was going through at the time. I needed to prepare both of my oldest daughters for their marriages that just took place this past summer.  This was critical time, crucial time and I would not fail in my responsibility and I had to do it alone.  It could work no other way without hurting my girls more and this was something I was not willing to do.

So I had to recuse myself from that first transitional relationship.  I was not ready to proceed forward although I thought I wanted to for awhile.  I was not ready and neither were any of my children.  That didn't make it easy on me.  The heart wants what it wants, but there is time for everything, and if you are wise, you will proceed with caution and let the Lord lead the way.  However long it takes, all things work out for the best for those who love Him.

So that was my first experience with dating in my second life.  I feel like I've come many miles since then and learned many more lessons that perhaps I'll share in the future as I feel guided or prompted. I hope that some of this makes sense or resonates with those of you who may stumble across this blog.  I am a big believer of great things coming for all of us but I also believe that all things have their proper time.

Thanks for listening my friends.  Upward and onward!

The Blessings of Being Single

This message is a shout out to all my single friends out in the world!  It's also a message to all you happily married folks who have friends and family who are single who may or may not want to hold that status.  As I come to singlehood via divorce, this post will reflect that reality.  I recognize that there are other paths to get here to singlehood and I respect them as well.

Let me preface this by saying that I recognize that there exists within the human heart, a natural desire for men and women to come together to form unions.  This is quite right.  It's part of God's plan of happiness. "The man is not without the woman neither the woman without the man in the Lord."   My oldest daughter just got married and my second daughter is not far behind.  I couldn't be more happy for them.

I also was married for a long time and though my road was rocky, I am so glad for what I learned from the experience and of course, what I got in return, which were six incredible children.

I am now single whether I like it or not.  Despite my own hardship and after having gone through the pain of divorce, I have not lost faith in marriage, and it is my sincere hope to find the right partner someday and I am working on that.

What I want to focus on now is my single reality. What about my life now?  Does it still have as much value as before?  Can I still experience the same joy and fulillment?  Well, apart from finding the ultimate partner in life, I do believe that you can have substantial joy and fulfillment as a single person.

In the here and now, I have been blessed beyond measure.  I believe that over time, I have come to accept my life the way it is with its' challenges and opportunities.  I believe that the time I'm living in now is a special time. It's a time of healing and preparation and hope. Yes, I do get lonely and yes there is still pain, but overall I would have to say I am in a tremendously good position and it keeps getting better for me.  

Here are some examples of the good things that have happened for me since I became single.

First, I am free.  I am free from the enormous pressure of trying to make something work when that something was not wanted by the person I was with.  That kind of pressure is a very heavy cross to bear and takes a toll on you both physically and emotionally.  When you compound that pressure over many years, it becomes almost unbearable.   Being released from that kind of weight is, in and of itself, a tremendous relief.  As a result of being set free,  I am stronger physically, spritually, and emotionally than I was two years ago and it keeps getting better on all fronts. 

Second, being single has only enhanced my relationship with God. I have continued to rely heavily on Him for my support.  Because of my unique needs, I feel that I can approach the Lord for special help in my circumstances and with my children and in my career and in all other aspects of my life. When  I am in need of comfort, I go directly to Him and I receive the assurance I need.  Never has he left me alone but has given me the strength I need and the inspiration to do great things.

Third, my relationships are enriched and enhanced.  As a single person I have been able to spend so much more meaningful time with my family including my parents and siblings.  They felt I was gone for all those married years, and indeed I was to a great extent, because 99% of my time and effort was spent on maintaining a fragile marriage and setting a foundation for my children.  There was little room for anything else.  I have an even better relationship with my children now than I did before because I am more free to be who I am with them and to let them be who they are.  Several of my children have made this observation.  They feel closer to me.  My children also enjoy a much more rich and beautiful relationship with my parents and my brothers and sisters.  That is an eternal blessing that they will come to appreciate more and more as time passes.

I have also have had the precious blessing of meeting incredible friends,  My life has been touched by so many wonderful individuals who I never would have met had I not been single. Even the dates and relationships I have had, have provided me with great healing, learning, and inspiration.  Hopefully I have contributed something positive to their lives as well.  I have met many other travelers on this road who have gone through something similar.  We have a bond now because we know similar pains and have fought similar battles.  I'm a believer that we are part of each other's lives for a reason and that reason is to lift and help one another.

Fourth, I have more freedom to pursue and develop my talents.  Because, as I mentioned before, I was constantly working so hard on the home front, I barely had time for many years to do anything that I wanted to do to develop my talents in the areas I'm passionate about.  I started to work on them a few years previous to the divorce, but now I feel that I am unfettered and am enjoying even greater opportunities to develop and enjoy success.  There is enormous satisfaction in life from finding something you love to do and working to get better at it.  Now I can do that without any of the restrictions I felt before.

Lastly, I feel as though being a divorced single person has given me a new and unique understanding and love of so many people who have suffered.  I feel that it is part of my life mission to travel this divorced single path for at least a while, however long I must.  I believe that it has been necessary for my spiritual development and I believe that I agreed to take on this challenge before coming to this earth.  I now have eyes to see and ears to hear and love to give that I did not have in as much abundance as I do now.

So, fellow single people, and people anywhere reading this blog whatever your marital status is, enjoy your life and the richness it offers.  Take the beauty in any circumstance.  Look to God and live.  He will make much more out of our lives than we can.  Just remember.

Reflections from My Daughter's Wedding

Well, it finally happened.  My oldest daughter, my first born, was married last week in the Salt Lake Temple.

I can't tell you about the whirlwind of emotions I experienced, mostly positive,  that I experienced that day.  This has been a long time coming.  I've been a Dad for almost 23 years.  It's become ingrained in my being and is part of my eternal identity now.  I have to admit, I miss hearing her melodic voice echoing through my apartment as often as it used to.

After she came home from her mission, she had a short stint living in an apartment at college.  A few months later she moved in with me in order to save money, spend time with her Dad, and to heal both physically and emotionally before her wedding.

She had a tough, but beautiful mission, but came home sick and is still suffering from some of the after affects.  She also came home to a situation that was completely different from the one she left. The home she grew up in had been sold.  Her parents were no longer married.  Her brothers and sisters were traveling back and forth between her parents' homes and the list goes on.  There were many adjustments that she had to make and these were not of her own choosing, and they were hard.

I must say it was a true joy and blessing to have her with me.  She is very special to me. I remember all her growing up.  I remember her birth at the hospital during a snow storm in January and how we brought her home, wrapped her up like a burrito and put her on the kitchen table for minute or two to admire her. She was new life, a new spirit brought to earth, sent to us to care for and nurture.  I took that job very seriously and still do.

At the temple, I saw how my little girl had grown up to be such a beautiful young woman, the picture of a new bride, innocent and pure, dressed in white.

I was privileged to be a witness in the sealing room of the temple for the wedding.  I heard the words the sealer spoke.  They were full of love and spirit.  The significance of the words transcended this earth.  They were eternal in nature and incorporated the destiny of a husband and wife joined together as one beyond this life.  That is the true nature of the marriage relationship and the desire of God for all of us.  These blessings are contingent upon a couple keeping their promises to God and accepting him as the other most important partner in the new relationship.

I must admit that I couldn't hold back a few tears as the sealer spoke about how my patriarchal responsibility for my daughter was now being transferred to my daughter's new husband.  It was a strange but beautiful feeling.  I understand how a man or woman must leave their father and mother and become one in a new and everlasting covenant of marriage.  It is right and proper and a beautifully ordained path, and one that can and should lead to true fulfillment and happiness.

I couldn't help but to desire that blessing again in my own life.  I made the covenant before but it did not remain in force for reasons outside of my control.  I know that in the economy of God, that my blessings are intact because I have kept my covenant with Him and as long as I remain faithful, I will enjoy all the blessings.  I know that and I have hope in a "better country" to come. (Hebrews 11)  I do not doubt that the Lord is merciful.

It was a true blessing to witness the marriage of my daughter to her new husband.  It was good to hear the sacred words again and to know that my daughter and her partner have a true foundation and I have no doubt that they will be successful in this great new endeavor of love and commitment.  I am a truly a blessed father.

Upward and onward friends!  Let's cherish these moments in our lives, for they are rare and sacred.

Advice to My Future Sons in Law

So you're telling me you love my daughter and you want to take the next step with her.  You want to be with her forever.  Am I hearing that right? Did I misunderstand?  No?  Well, I guess I'm not surprised. You have excellent taste and I can't fault you for that.  But now you're playing for keeps and all the time for game playing is in the distant past for you now.  You are taking a huge step here. You are entering the real adult world and it's your time to grow into being the true man you were meant to be.  Are you ready for that?  Do you know what you are asking for?  Do you know what you are getting yourself into? Yes, you say? Well of course you don't.  You can't.  Not until you actually experience it will you understand it. But there are a few things I want you to think about as you prepare for this next step.  Read this now and remember it later.  It will help you.

Know this:  Marriage is not an experiment.  People shack up all the time and live together in a so called experiment.  They don't want to take the step to marriage with all its' commitments. They just want to enjoy the benefits of being married without the responsibility. So when things get challenging, they can just bug out and be done with it.  Man, that is not the way I was raised and it is no where near the real truth.  The real truth is the opposite.  There is no real freedom and no real happiness without being willing to commit all the way to something greater than yourself and the marriage covenant is one thing that transcends you.  So when you're in, you're in.  Put your doubts away and commit 100%.  Yes it will be hard, but yes it is worth it.

Remember that your Heavenly Father is the most important partner in your covenant relationship. Seek his guidance always and follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit.  It will lead you the right way always.  Remember that God is ready to bless your union.  You will be blessed both temporally and spiritually as you follow the teachings of Christ together.  You will be blessed in ways that you cannot conceive of now and you need to be aware and give thanks always when blessings come.  You need to pray together and worship together.  The Lord is a partner with you and will work with you to bring special children into the world.  They are his children and he is giving you the blessing and sacred opportunity to raise them with him.  You must always remember this and never forget it. Your greatest chance at happiness is to recognize your role as a husband, father, and son of God and to fulfill those roles to the best of your ability.  Take it seriously and believe and you will be blessed.

Treat my daughter as an equal partner with you.  Yes, it is your responsibility to lead your family in spiritual matters and to be the provider and protector of the home.  This does not mean that you are in a higher position than my daughter.  Her role is just as important as yours is.  She has a brain and is intelligent.  She has been raised well. She is strong. She is spiritual and is entitled to inspiration just as you are. She is a help meet, not a helpmate.  She will have the blessing of motherhood.  Being a mother is a very tough job and will be exhausting for her at times.  Make sure that she gets some time to rest and to pursue and develop her talents too.  Motherhood can become all consuming and she will need to have time just to be herself.  Help her the best you can with that and it will pay dividends to you for the rest of your life.

Be the rock that she needs.  You may not understand now how a wife looks to you to be her support on so many levels.  She will be depending on you emotionally, spiritually, and temporally.  This is not to say that she is weak.  She isn't.  You will be depending on her too for support, but you must know that a husband can provide a feeling of safety and security that is priceless to a woman.  She needs to know that she can depend on you through all the trials of life; that when things go wrong, you will be there and that you two will work together to face them and conquer them.  She also must never doubt your love and devotion to her.

 I suggest you develop a calm demeanor.  Don't let yourself get upset by the annoying things of life that almost always don't matter in the long run.  Stay cool.  When you disagree on something, which you will, discuss it as peacefully as possible.  This doesn't mean that you have to always give in or acquiesce if you genuinely don't agree on something,  but look for ways to compromise and look for win win solutions to challenges whenever possible.

You are embarking on a great adventure in life and what you do now and how you respond to the challenges will directly influence your happiness in this life and next.  This is a real chance for you. If you are humble and teachable, the Lord will develop and progress you more than you can ever know. In a few short years will have so much life experience and will have learned so much that it will make your head spin.

Of course there is much more that I could say to you, but these are some of the most important things I wanted to convey to you now.  Think about them.  Remember them after you are married.  You are making a new life with my precious daughter.  Remember she is a daughter of God, not just my earthly daughter.  Her worth is greater than I have words to describe.  You are a lucky man.  May the Lord bless you and give you a successful marriage as you do what is necessary to make your home a home of love and spirit.

I welcome you with open arms and an open heart full of love.



Welcome, my new sons!

Getting My Girls Ready for Marriage

So two out of three of my girls are getting married this summer.  Now, how did that happen?  How did I come to this point in life?  What happened to the days when they wore adorable little dresses and ribbons and bows in their hair?  What happened to reading them books and rocking out to my classic rock tunes in the car on the way to dance class? What happened to telling them stories and listening to their prayers at night? You know, that was all a big part of my life not very long ago. Seriously, it seems like only a couple of days ago and yet here they are all grown up, smiling at me, and telling me they want to take the next step on life's super highway.  So hold up now! Wait a second! Back up! That was too quick.  I wasn't quite ready for this, but I guess I'm not surprised.

One thing about life is that it always changes.  I was telling one of my sons the other day.  When you're little, time moves slowly.  You can't wait for Christmas.  You can't wait for your birthday. You can't wait to get older so that you can do more things, have more privileges.  The slowness of time is exasperating.  But once you're an adult and you get married and start having kids of your own, time starts moving at warp speed.  Pretty soon a decade has passed.  Then another. You finally get comfortable being a Dad.  It becomes part of your identity and you can never go back.  But your little ones, they keep changing.  No way to slow it down.  No way to reverse it.  I used to always tell them to stop growing up.

"Remember that little bob haircut you used to have with the bangs in the front?" I ask one of my daughters.

"Ya, Dad.  I'm not 6 anymore." she answers shaking her head a little and smirking.

"Well dang it!  I liked that haircut.  I told you to stop growing up!"  But it's no use.  They keep getting older and more beautiful by the day.

Well my girls are still young, but they are of age.  Gone are the days when I could make decisions for them or protect them in the same way I used to.  My role has changed.  I'm now more of an advisor or a life coach, but I'm still their Dad.  There is a bond between Dad's and daughters that will never be broken I've been told.  I believe it's true if you're a good Dad.  At least I know that I never did anything to break that bond with them, so I'm hoping that it will only deepen with time.

I'm hoping that I was the kind of father that only influenced them in them in a positive way and that I was a good model to them of what kind of man to pick to marry.  It appears that they have chosen well, so I'm very excited for their future.

I've tried to prepare them for the many challenges of marriage, that no marriage is easy.  There are always tests and trials to go through, adjustments and compromises to make. There are pressures from inside and out.  It is a relationship that needs to be nurtured and cared for more than any other in order to survive.  And I'm hoping that it will not just survive, but thrive.  And despite my own experience, I still do believe that the marriage relationship can succeed and provide the greatest joy and contentment possible in life.  I've seen this accomplished, but each partner must choose this path. It in no way happens automatically.

I tell my girls that I want them to be equal partners in their marriages.  I want them to know their own worth.  I want them to use their intelligence, wisdom, and spirit in creating a great relationship and eventually a beautiful eternal family.  Yes, I do want grandchildren.  Not yet, but eventually.  :)  My girls need to understand what an equal partnership is.  It is not walking in front or behind.  It is about walking side by side.  They need to carry their own load just as their future husbands need to carry theirs and they need to carry those loads together, make decisions together, and build a future together, as equals.

I also want my girls to remember that their marriage is not only a partnership between spouses, but a partnership with God.  I want them to seek wisdom and inspiration from Him always and to have Christ at the center of their lives.

Lastly, I want them to learn from my own marriage.  Yes, I'm talking about the one that ended in divorce.  I want them to use my experience for their eternal benefit.  Whatever they saw good in my marriage, I want them to take with them.  Whatever was not, I want them to avoid.  They must always remember that they are not destined to repeat the mistakes of their parents. They don't have to follow the divorce cycle. They can choose differently.  They have their freedom.  They are welcome and encouraged to use my experience to build a stronger and better future with their husbands.  All things work together for good for them that love the Lord. So even coming from a divorce can serve to their benefit.  It's all up to them. God will turn even the most difficult experiences into a blessing.

These are just a few of the things I've been trying to help my daughters understand before they take that next step into wedded bliss.  I'm doing all I can now, but I know that no one can really totally prepare them for marriage. Impossible.  It has to be experienced on its own.  At least I know they have the foundation for what they need.  They have the tools and the support and desire for what a marriage should be and who's to say they won't achieve that.  I believe they will.

So after having said all this, there is only one thing left to say:

Bring on the weddings!

An Old Girlfriend Comes Back: Why Dating Makes a Difference

About 25 years ago, before I was married,  I had a girlfriend.  I met her one summer while I was home from BYU.  I was at church one Sunday when I saw her for the first time in the chapel.  She was blonde and very attractive.  As there weren't too many LDS girls like her walking around in my area in Atlanta at the time, I immediately found a way to introduce myself after the meetings.  I quickly learned that she was not a member of our church but was just attending that summer with her sister.

In learning more about her, I found out that she really didn't have much of a religious background at all.  She had had a little exposure through her grandparents, but that was about it.

What she did have was a loving family, especially her sister who brought her.. She was educated. She was smart and independent, very self motivated. She was friendly. She excelled in her work. She was very confident and I liked that about her.

Well, like any young man might, I pursued her.  I decided that I didn't care that she hadn't been raised like I had and we started dating.  Pretty soon it turned into a summer romance.  By the end of the summer I had the opportunity to baptize her a member of the church.  I don't remember a lot of details about her meeting with the missionaries, but I do remember talking about the gospel with her. That was a very great privilege for me. I remember taking her down into the waters of baptism and watching her come up with a huge smile on her face.  She was ready for her new life.

We continued dating for about 9 months or so.  It was serious for awhile but eventually we decided to move in another direction.  We didn't marry each other.  In another couple of years we were both married to other people.  I kind of lost track of her then.

Fast forward 25 years later.  I'm divorced now.  I get a message on FB from her out of the blue. "Guess what?" she asks.  "My son is getting married in Salt Lake City next week and I'd love to see you and your family while we're there."

"What????  Of course we want to see you!  It's been over 25 years.  How are you??!!"

We made the arrangements and I took my Dad and she took her son with her and we met at a local restaurant.  She told me about her awesome kids and I told her about mine.

My Dad told her he remembered her beautiful smile sitting at our kitchen table all those years ago. She really hasn't changed very much in all that time.

Her oldest son that was with her, had just returned from a mission not too long ago and had found his sweetheart and they were getting married in the temple.  He was an impressive kid; so kind, and stable and very loving towards his mother.  In all the years since I had known his Mom, he had grown up to be a wonderful man with strong faith and a desire to start his new life based on a relationship with God.

She told me how often she prayed for each one of her kids and how she held on to the promise that if she stayed strong in the gospel herself, her kids would stay strong also.  Teach a child the way they should go and they will not depart from it.  The fulfillment of this was evident in her son.

At the end of the lunch, as we were saying our goodbyes, her oldest son turns to me and shakes my hand.  "I always wanted to meet the guy that baptized my Mom."  he says.  "Thank you so much for what you did."  What I did?  Oh yes,  I guess I did do something useful I start to remember.

"Now you know who Brett is, and who it is that wrote his name in my very first set of scriptures." my old girlfrend chimes in.  "I still have them." she declares.

I'm taken back.  It seems surreal, seeing an old girlfriend like that after 25 years with her returned missionary son standing there in the flesh thanking me for what I did over 25 years ago..  What a path my life has taken me on!  The people I've met and the relationships I've had.  It's overwhelming to think about.

I do not take any credit for her conversion to the church, but I will say that I think I helped her get a good start.

She told me later, that before that time she had not been into any church at all, but that one day, she went with her sister in Atlanta, a light switched on and she completely left her old life behind and never looked back.  She never had any desire to return to the old ways of living.  She's been converted and has been dedicated ever since.  Man, what a miracle! And I got to be part of it! I'm looking at her son who is about to start a righteous family of his own and I marvel at what one little pebble thrown in a pond can do!  The ripples extend out forever.

So I guess the moral of the story is this:  You and I may get frustrated with our current situation, especially in dating.  It can be discouraging at times.  We all wish we could skip to the end and just find the one.  Right?  But just think about the people we've had the opportunity to meet and what we learned from them and what we've been able to contribute to their lives as well.  Maybe we meet and date people for a reason.  The Lord has grander purposes in mind than what we know, and they may or may not have to do with marriage to any particular person.  Do we really want to skip the dating experience and miss out on what the Lord has for us to experience and learn?

I for one am going to try to be more open about my opportunities in the future.  I admit that I've had the tendency to judge a situation in dating way too soon.  That's my mistake and I can learn from that. The experience I shared in this post about my old girlfriend is a testament to the fact that there is much more going on than we know in the spiritual aspect of things and in the relationships we have in life.

My desire is to go where the Lord leads me and experience what he wants me to experience and to meet who he wants me to meet and to learn what he wants me to learn.  Are you with me on this?

This is the truth.  I'm sure of it.

You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need!

So I go through episodes where I desperately wish I could change certain aspects of my current circumstances.  Like you, I have situations to deal with, many of which, are not of my own making, but have been thrust upon me through the actions of others, bad luck, and any other combination of contributing factors over which I have no control.

The other night, I was experiencing anxiety over the situation of not having all my children live with me on a full time basis.  If you know me at all, you'll know that I cherish my kids.  Each of them is unique and precious to me.  Each one has gifts.  Each one is different.  I was always very involved in their lives and in the day to day raising of them.  I can't tell you how many times I felt guided by the Holy Spirit to speak with them, teach them, and love them.  I still feel that guidance, but it's very different now.  I'm not with them like I used to be and it leaves a hollowness in me sometimes even though it's been a year and a half since things changed.

Well I was talking with God about it that night.  I couldn't sleep.  I kept tossing and turning and and pleading with him.  I was expressing all my angst.  I was naming my children one by one and going through all their situations asking him to change things for us, at least in the way that I would like them to change.  

Well I know how the Lord works. He doesn't look at things they same way that we do.  He sees the end from the beginning and knows us inside and out.  He does things according to his own time according to his own will. He does not rush things and he let's us gain the maximum from each one of our experiences in this life, even the divorced experience.  We can try to force things if we want, but it's always better if we wait patiently on the Lord to unfold our path before us.  It yields the greatest results and the greatest happiness in this life and the next.

I finally got to sleep.  When I woke up, nothing had really changed.  I was still feeling a little of that angst. Of course, nothing had changed for me from the time I went to sleep to the time I woke up, but as the day unfolded I had opportunities to spend some quality time with my children on a day that wasn't scheduled to be mine.

I had a chance to take my oldest son to a fancy restaurant.  I saw my two younger boys when I took my oldest boy home and we whooped and hollered and did break dancing in the driveway. Later I was welcomed home to my own place by two of my wonderful daughters.  That was a nicer welcome home than I've had in years.

Had my situation changed?  No, but I knew that all those little things were an answer to my prayers. They were like getting a hug from above, a little message telling me that the Lord had heard me and wanted to help me be okay.  He sent my children to comfort me. He's got a plan worked out with great things in the present and future for me.  I just know it.

Too many times we pray for things and expect divine intervention immediately.  Sometimes God has other better plans for us than we know, or he just wants us to learn to be patient while he works behind the scenes to maker us better and stronger people.  One thing I know is that he doesn't forget us and he wants us to be well.  We need to be aware of when he is communicating with us and sending messages of love and encouragement.  I know he does this for us all the time.  We just have to learn to listen and be aware of those messages.

Maybe God will help me change some of my circumstances to be the way I want them over time. Maybe he's got a better plan for me than what I can come up with. Either way, I will trust him and things will continue to improve, grow, and become more beautiful.  That's the way it is for us folks that are walking on this path of life but trying to walk it according to His will and not our own.

I know you are with me on this.  We are all brothers and sisters walking through mortality on our way back home.  Let's walk well!  Let's walk well.

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Dating Tips for LDS Single Ladies!

Back by popular demand, here I am, Brett Nielson, responding to your urgent request for dating tips for LDS ladies from an LDS man's perspective!

What I am about to tell you is classified manly information, and if you tell anyone I told you, I will deny it!   Yet I am solely responsible for the content of this post so I guess I'll have to live with it if my words come to light in the world.

I do so testify that I, Brett Nielson, do accept any blame for this content and do not speak for all members of my sex.

Tip #1:  Stay beautiful!  In other words, look your best.  Don't blame me for this, I didn't create myself or the male gender.  Beautiful women come in all different sizes and flavors.  Different men have different tastes, but we all agree, we love beautiful and attractive women.  So invest in that.  It's worth it.  It makes everyone happy and for gosh sakes please be feminine.  Femininity is highly prized and desired.

Tip #2:  Be strong and independent.  We are looking for equal partners.  At this stage in life, a man needs a woman to work with him and not just look to be taken care of.  Most of us have to pay substantial child support.  Divorce has taken a serious toll on many of us financially and we are rebuilding.  A woman who can work and contribute that way in a partnership is a huge asset and can relieve huge financial stress.  This does not mean we are looking for a woman to support us financially, only to help at this rebuilding phase.

Tip #3:  Support us as men.  A woman who values the role of men as husbands and fathers and appreciates the sacrifices that we make and can express that appreciation to us is like gold.  That kind of validation is so needed and makes us feel like we're worth something.

Tip #4:  Let us pursue you.  I know it's not fair but it's just the way it is.  We are hunters and it works better in our psyche if you let us initiate and pursue you.  It's much more rewarding if we have to work a little.  This does not mean don't encourage us.  Yes please encourage us if you are interested in us.  If you don't give back something, then we will stop pursuing, but let us pursue.  It's your best chance at success at landing one of us for more than one date.

Tip #5:  Don't be too quick with physical affection.  Yes, we do want that very much, but don't just jump into it too quickly.  Make us work a little for it.  We will value it much more if you do.  Also, don't let the physical take precedence over everything or we'll start to lose that loving feeling.  I don't know why, but it just works that way.  Remember, bridle your passion, that you may be filled with love, like the scripture says. This may be surprising to you, but it's true.  If you try to commit a man through the use of the physical or sexual, many just lose interest.  I know this is counter-intuitive but somehow it's just works out that way.  He may be interested in having fun with you but it often doesn't lead to true love or anything long term.  The best chance at finding love is to follow the guidelines set forth by the Lord.  I believe a full expression of love is only found in legal and lawful marriage.  It just is. 

Tip #6:  Men do however, like to be touched.  Back rubs, neck rubs, holding hands, caressing, hugs etc. are all awesome and we love those things. 

Tip #7:   Have fun.  Men like to be active.  We like to bond through fun activities. 

Tip #8: Don't expect us to read your mind.  No, I'm serious.  We'll just disappoint you.  You've got to be direct and concise about your needs and desires.  I know we should get it, but we just don't.  You guys are mysterious, so please use your words.

Tip #9:  Share your spirituality.  A woman's goodness and spirituality are crowning jewels to her and make us admire and even love her.  A woman's testimony and faith provide a wonderful foundation and comfort to a man.  Truly, your faith is inspiring and makes us want to be our best selves.  Do not hide this under a bushel.  Let your light so shine.  Please.

Is there anything else?  Yes, I'm sure there is, but I can't think of anything right now.  Feel free to ask me questions and I'm sure my fellow brothers and I can weigh in.  You can also challenge me to further explanation, I'm happy to do it.  While I am no expert and bumble around in my own dating life, I think these ideas are pretty good.  Take them for what they're worth.

Take care and enjoy life!

Upward and onward my fellow survivors!  

Still a Crazy Sports Dad!

Do you ever get annoyed with parents at sports events?  They are just so gaga over their own kids, like no one else matters out there.  They are so sure that their kid is going to go pro.

Well can I make a confession here?  Sometimes I get a little carried away myself.

The other day I went to watch my 13 year old boy's baseball game.  Remember, his Mom took him 45 minutes away to live, so he has to start all over proving himself to all his coaches.  That's irritating.  My boy is good.  In my mind, he's one of the better athletes.  In fact, I know he is.

So the game starts and my son's team takes the field, except my boy isn't out there.  What??!!  He's not out there?  Ridiculous!  They left him on the bench. Uggh!  You've got to be kidding me.  I put on my patient face and just wait.

The next inning they do put him on the field.  Thank goodness! I start to relax,  Later, when he first comes up to bat I'm excited and a little nervous for him.  I want him to do well.  He's the first batter up that inning. The coach gives him the signal of what he wants him to do.  He steps up to the plate and lays out his bat to bunt the ball on the first pitch.  What???!!!!  A bunt when he's the first batter and no one else is on base?  Why??  I feel myself starting to get irritated again.  I don't like that call at all.  But my boy is a good soldier and he lays down a perfect bunt on the second pitch.  It's perfect, but not quite perfect enough.  It goes up the first base line.  He sprints forward, but the pitcher grabs the ball and narrowly throws him out at first.  What a waste! Don't they know my boy can hit?  Geez!

The next at bat, my son gets walked. Okay.  I watch him steal second, then third,  They hold him at third on the next few pitches but he keeps threatening to steal home.  Finally, on a wild pitch, he books it home and scores.  Everyone cheers.  Yes!!! That was a gutsy play!  I love it.  You can't keep a Nielson down I say under my breath, secretly exulting.

Later he is out playing center field.  The opposing batter steps up to the plate and strokes a nice one out far.  My boy is all over it.  I see him running forward to position himself for the catch, and he does catch it. Inning over.  It's perfect!  In a burst of energy, I find myself jumping up and down in the bleachers pumping my fists in the air. "That's my boy! That's my boy!" I hear myself shouting.  The other parents look over at an over exuberant Dad jumping up and down and yelling.  I barely notice. Subconsciously, I want everyone to know my boy is good and shouldn't be overlooked.  I feel that old competitive spirit churning just like it used to when I played sports.  Later, I sense I overreacted with the jumping and the yelling thing, but oh well.

After the game, I'm walking back to the car with my son.

"What was that you were yelling Dad?  When I made that catch?"

"Oh, you heard that? Was I yelling that loud?"

"I kind of heard it.  What where you saying?"

"Well, I think I said something like, 'That's my boy!  That's my boy!' "

"Oh ya,  That's what I though you said."

We turn the corner to get to the car and I see a big grin steal over his young face.  Then I feel a big grin stealing over mine as well.  Nothing like sharing a moment with your own flesh and blood.  He's a Nielson and he's a part of me. Always will be and that's a fact.

I may be an overactive sports Dad, but I guess sometimes being an overactive sports Dad has it's perks.

Upward and onward!

Love you guys!

Crisis of Faith: Why my Divorce didn't Destroy Mine.

When divorce happens, it is devastating to those involved.  I never really understood anything about it until I went through it myself.  Because of the emotional trauma divorced people go through, many find it difficult it to stay faithful to their religious beliefs, and many more suffer because of the negative judgments of people in their church congregations and communities.  What's more is that many feel abandoned by their friends and even sometimes their families.  They feel anger, sadness, shame and a whole plethora of negative emotions.  Many may follow this train of thought: "If God knows everything, why did he let me walk into that marriage?  Didn't he care about me and my happiness? Why did he let me suffer like that? There must not be a God, or if there is, he surely doesn't love me."

When I was young, I was very spiritually minded.  God gave me, I believe, a gift of the spirit.  When I heard the word of God spoken, the power and truth in the words sunk down deep into my heart.  I had a curious mind and wanted to know everything I could about the truth and the meaning of life. The messages shared at church gave me many of those answers and made me feel alive.  I didn't believe I was alone in the universe.  I just knew that God loved me and had a mission for me to complete. Believing in God made me feel special and unique.  It still does.

As I grew older, my simple child like faith began to be tested.  It was hard sometimes as a Mormon kid growing up in a minority religion in states like Ohio and Georgia.  I caught flack because I wouldn't engage in the drinking, partying culture of high school.  My way of living seemed to be so opposite of what the majority of kids were doing.  It was tough to feel so different from everyone, like an outcast.  Fortunately, I still made many friends who weren't into that lifestyle either and they came from many different faith backgrounds.  I still cherish those friendships and will never forget them.

Some of the biggest trials of faith came because of circumstances I could not control.  In high school, for example,  I became very ill, and to had to give up my celebrated sports career.  This devastated me at the time. A lot of my self worth was packed into being a great athlete and I had enjoyed good success up through my 10th grade year. When I had my health taken away from me, it felt like an unjust punishment.  What had I done to deserve it?  I questioned God on a daily basis. Why wouldn't he step in for me?  I went over it time and time again in my mind, trying to understand it, trying to negotiate with God over my condition.  I couldn't get him to change his mind, but he opened other doors for me.  Only later did I begin to understand what a great blessing it was for me to go through that experience and how I was blessed to spend time with and get to know other wonderful people who I wouldn't have had a chance to know otherwise.

Later as a 19 year old, while serving as an LDS mission in Ecuador, I continued to suffer health wise and I was extremely disillusioned about how things were run in my mission organization.  I felt extremely let down by people who I wanted and needed to look up to. I was shocked and saddened on many occasions and God still wouldn't intervene and restore my health to me.  It affected me so much that I felt that he had abandoned me.  It caused me to really question my faith, first in my leaders, then in God.  I just couldn't work it out in my mind and to this day it was the closest I ever came to losing my faith.  It took several years after the mission experience to fully heal and have my faith restored.

So why do I tell you these very old struggles of mine? I think it is to make this point. I've had many different trials of faith since then, the most recent being the loss of a marriage and the separation from having my children live with me full time. The difficult marriage and the divorce itself caused me the sharpest pain that I've ever felt,  but when that challenge came, I was ready.  My faith had already become established.  Because of what I suffered before in life, and how the Lord helped me to overcome those things, I knew that I would be given the strength to handle this too. I realize that God doesn't look at challenges and difficulties the way that we do.  In our limited understanding, we would spare ourselves of all pain and discomfort.  God knows what's best for us and he allows us to experience these things to give us an opportunity to learn his lessons and to become better and better.

True faith can never go unchallenged.  What is faith if it is never proven?  If it is never tested by the fire of affliction, the weakness of flesh, the ridicule of peers or life's injustices, then how do we even know that we have faith?  What is our faith if our life is all about having an easy time with no obstacles?  Faith would be only an abstract idea.  We would never really know ourselves and what we are made of and what we are capable of becoming.  It would be like living in the Garden of Eden. Everything would be easy, but there would be no growth.  We need opposition to grow.  Just like an athlete uses weights to help his muscles grow, trials and difficulties are what God uses to build our spiritual muscles.  What we as human beings need to understand is that there is a plan for each one of us, a personal training program designed by God to bring us back to his presence better than we were when we left him, but we have to be willing to drink of the bitter cup and not become bitter ourselves.  If we can do that, and we submit to his will, he refines us and burns out our impurities. He prepares us little by little to be more like him.  He will give us joy, and our joy will be heightened because we have experienced the opposite.  Eventually, our joy will be full.

If we want to be be healed from our wounds and all our sorrow, we must turn to God and live. Healing is a process and takes time, but we have the power to shorten that time significantly if we just allow the Holy Spirit to work in us.  It's all about doing the little things like going to church even if we don't feel like it, praying sincerely, listening to the voice of the Lord when it speaks to us, studying the word of God, serving others.  Those things are what allows God to work in our lives and heal us much quicker than we could ever do by ourselves.  That's the power of grace and the atonement.

At least now, after all I've been through, I know my faith is real.  God already knew me, but now I know myself better.  I'm sure I'll have more trials in my future, but please excuse me if I don't focus on them now.  I'm busy healing and I believe that my future looks bright!

Onward and upward my brothers and sisters!

Looking for the One

Okay guys, it's been a long time now since I been writing this blog.  Those of you who've followed me on my journey here, have witnessed me take many steps, sometimes painful ones, towards healing.   I'm honestly in a good place now for the most part emotionally.  I've dealt with many demons and I'm still standing.  I have hope and I have no doubt that I will completely rebuild my life, except this time I will build it better than I did before. Because I've experienced plenty of pain along this life journey, I will be prepared to receive greater joy.  This joy will include a new partner.  I know my joy cannot be complete without one.  I also know that  having that partner is essential to my eternal destiny.

But herein lies the challenge.  I cannot exactly control this process.  Oh sure, I could run out and find someone who would agree to marry, but I'm not just looking for just anyone.  I've already seen what can happen in an unhappy marriage.  I will do my best this time to pick better.  I do not regret marrying my first wife despite all that happened, but I would never wish to repeat the experience. This time I marry for real.  The practice marriage I had is everlastingly over.  The new eternal one is yet to be discovered.

Perhaps I'm not ready for marriage yet.  Most likely the timing is not yet right.  It's got to happen on its' own time.  I don't believe in rushing it or forcing things to happen.  As I tell everyone, I would rather be single by far than to make a poor choice.. Ultimately you can only prepare yourself for the opportunity. You have to be ready when that time comes, when your preparation meets an equal preparation on the part of the other person.

What I fear in the mean time is that I will hurt someone or that I will be hurt, and that is absolutely the last thing I ever want.  I guess that's just part of my personality.  I'm the feeling type to the core. So being in this stage of life carries a little bit of unease.  One of the benefits of marriage is that you get to be out of all that fuzzy, foggy dating reality.  That's why many people tend to be much more productive married.  They no longer have to look and risk.  It provides a stability like nothing else, if the relationship is healthy.

So what does all this mean for me now?  I know I can't live my life being afraid to risk something. I've never been the type to just sit and wait for something good to happen.  That's just passive and passive is not me.  I would rather act than be acted upon.   I may not be able to completely control what happens but I have to be out there doing something  For me, that's a hundred times healthier than the alternative.  Meeting potential partners is just an attempt to find the right match.   It's a good thing, a positive thing.  It's a learning experience.  It's prep work.

When you date someone, you subconsciously agree to open yourself to explore and see if feelings could develop that could lead to something more. You both are putting yourself out there and you could both be hurt. That's just the system we're in and there's nothing we can do about it.  If we don't like it, I guess we don't have to participate, or we could hire someone to do all the thinking for us.  In my experience, that's just not Heavenly Father's plan.  He calculates everything to be a growth experience.  Love grows more with the existence of opposition.

I believe that Heavenly Father puts people in our paths in life so that we can help each other learn and grow.  He doesn't throw our future mates to us everyday.  Maybe he has purposes to accomplish with us in knowing others leading up to the one we will eventually be with.  I think the key is to not worry too much about it and let the Lord take the lead.  The mistake would be, however, to never get into the game, to sit on the sidelines waiting for divine intervention.  That may work for some of us, but I think if I told the Lord I was just going to wait till he sent me that right person, he would just look at me, smile a little, and shake his head.  "That's not how we play this game son.  You know that."  Oh snap!  He got me again!

Whose to say that the Lord isn't leading me right this very second in my dating life, helping me get prepared, accomplishing other purposes in the mean time through my relationships and more?  And I suppose that when I'm finally good and ready, she'll show up and I'll know it.

Just some food for thought for you all.  :)  I hope all is well.




Good night!

Looking Back on It: Was it a Mistake?

You know you have to ask the question....  You think you know the answer,  but you need to vet it. You need to make sure. You need to understand yourself.  You need to understand your own life.... Darn veil we have down here!  Don't know anything.  Bumble around bumping into things, trying to build and watching our sand castles get knocked over time after time.  It's a risky, messy and beautiful life, making marks on our spirits and our bodies at the same time.

The truth is that nothing we build in the worldly way lasts anyway and the pain we suffer down here is acute but temporary.  All that matters is the essence inside our souls, and the love we have for Heavenly Father and the others who are on our journey with us.  It's a spiritual world at the core, building future Gods if we want to pursue that.

Was marrying that girl a mistake?  I guess you could say so if you are only looking at a short period of time in a mortal life.   If you look with a narrow focus of a life span 80 to 90 years,  23 years was a big chunk of wasted time.  What could I have done or accomplished in 23 years without that anchor and failure?  Gained more worldly success?  What did I really gain?  What did I really lose?  What was the cost/benefit ratio?

Tonight I'm feeling that I gained much.  The experiences I had over those 23 years have embedded themselves upon my soul.  They gave me an opportunity to lay it all on the line for the Lord.  They gave me a chance to prove to myself that I was willing to go to the end.  The 23 years were not all bad. There were periods of great peace and joy.  The Lord worked with me through my trials.  I met and loved and impacted and was impacted by beautiful people who I never would have met but through my marriage. Through it I have come closer to being my best self.

As for the promises I made to my former spouse both in this life and I believe even in my pre-mortal life, I have kept. I left nothing undone.  I made every effort to ensure the eventual realization of the blessings promised in the temple to all worthy couples through their faithfulness.  I carry no guilt with me other than understanding that I was an imperfect being and could not act as the Savior at all times.  When I didn't, I acknowledged it and did my best to repair and rebuild.  In the end, there was nothing more I could do.

I have now entered a different life, a different season.  My path is bright before my feet, but I can see only a little way ahead, not very far at all.  At least I have the assurance that the light goes before me and that I am being led and influenced by something greater than myself.  I wait upon the Lord to rebuild, remold, to restore me.  I know he is in the process even as I write.

My marriage was not a mistake. In the end it was a glorious and divine tutorial, full of hope, pain, and love.  I wrap it up neatly and present it to God and lay it upon his altar, to be consecrated to my gain and to the gain of my children and to the gain of anyone who may be touched by its' tragic beauty. May it serve to instruct, inspire, heal, or lift any of my brothers and sisters in any way the Lord sees fit to use it.  Someday I may combine these writings and more into a book, a book that will hopefully benefit my brothers and sisters whom I love.

Sincerely,



Your Brother