About 25 years ago, before I was married, I had a girlfriend. I met her one summer while I was home from BYU. I was at church one Sunday when I saw her for the first time in the chapel. She was blonde and very attractive. As there weren't too many LDS girls like her walking around in my area in Atlanta at the time, I immediately found a way to introduce myself after the meetings. I quickly learned that she was not a member of our church but was just attending that summer with her sister.
In learning more about her, I found out that she really didn't have much of a religious background at all. She had had a little exposure through her grandparents, but that was about it.
What she did have was a loving family, especially her sister who brought her.. She was educated. She was smart and independent, very self motivated. She was friendly. She excelled in her work. She was very confident and I liked that about her.
Well, like any young man might, I pursued her. I decided that I didn't care that she hadn't been raised like I had and we started dating. Pretty soon it turned into a summer romance. By the end of the summer I had the opportunity to baptize her a member of the church. I don't remember a lot of details about her meeting with the missionaries, but I do remember talking about the gospel with her. That was a very great privilege for me. I remember taking her down into the waters of baptism and watching her come up with a huge smile on her face. She was ready for her new life.
We continued dating for about 9 months or so. It was serious for awhile but eventually we decided to move in another direction. We didn't marry each other. In another couple of years we were both married to other people. I kind of lost track of her then.
Fast forward 25 years later. I'm divorced now. I get a message on FB from her out of the blue. "Guess what?" she asks. "My son is getting married in Salt Lake City next week and I'd love to see you and your family while we're there."
"What???? Of course we want to see you! It's been over 25 years. How are you??!!"
We made the arrangements and I took my Dad and she took her son with her and we met at a local restaurant. She told me about her awesome kids and I told her about mine.
My Dad told her he remembered her beautiful smile sitting at our kitchen table all those years ago. She really hasn't changed very much in all that time.
Her oldest son that was with her, had just returned from a mission not too long ago and had found his sweetheart and they were getting married in the temple. He was an impressive kid; so kind, and stable and very loving towards his mother. In all the years since I had known his Mom, he had grown up to be a wonderful man with strong faith and a desire to start his new life based on a relationship with God.
She told me how often she prayed for each one of her kids and how she held on to the promise that if she stayed strong in the gospel herself, her kids would stay strong also. Teach a child the way they should go and they will not depart from it. The fulfillment of this was evident in her son.
At the end of the lunch, as we were saying our goodbyes, her oldest son turns to me and shakes my hand. "I always wanted to meet the guy that baptized my Mom." he says. "Thank you so much for what you did." What I did? Oh yes, I guess I did do something useful I start to remember.
"Now you know who Brett is, and who it is that wrote his name in my very first set of scriptures." my old girlfrend chimes in. "I still have them." she declares.
I'm taken back. It seems surreal, seeing an old girlfriend like that after 25 years with her returned missionary son standing there in the flesh thanking me for what I did over 25 years ago.. What a path my life has taken me on! The people I've met and the relationships I've had. It's overwhelming to think about.
I do not take any credit for her conversion to the church, but I will say that I think I helped her get a good start.
She told me later, that before that time she had not been into any church at all, but that one day, she went with her sister in Atlanta, a light switched on and she completely left her old life behind and never looked back. She never had any desire to return to the old ways of living. She's been converted and has been dedicated ever since. Man, what a miracle! And I got to be part of it! I'm looking at her son who is about to start a righteous family of his own and I marvel at what one little pebble thrown in a pond can do! The ripples extend out forever.
So I guess the moral of the story is this: You and I may get frustrated with our current situation, especially in dating. It can be discouraging at times. We all wish we could skip to the end and just find the one. Right? But just think about the people we've had the opportunity to meet and what we learned from them and what we've been able to contribute to their lives as well. Maybe we meet and date people for a reason. The Lord has grander purposes in mind than what we know, and they may or may not have to do with marriage to any particular person. Do we really want to skip the dating experience and miss out on what the Lord has for us to experience and learn?
I for one am going to try to be more open about my opportunities in the future. I admit that I've had the tendency to judge a situation in dating way too soon. That's my mistake and I can learn from that. The experience I shared in this post about my old girlfriend is a testament to the fact that there is much more going on than we know in the spiritual aspect of things and in the relationships we have in life.
My desire is to go where the Lord leads me and experience what he wants me to experience and to meet who he wants me to meet and to learn what he wants me to learn. Are you with me on this?
This is the truth. I'm sure of it.
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need!
So I go through episodes where I desperately wish I could change certain aspects of my current circumstances. Like you, I have situations to deal with, many of which, are not of my own making, but have been thrust upon me through the actions of others, bad luck, and any other combination of contributing factors over which I have no control.
The other night, I was experiencing anxiety over the situation of not having all my children live with me on a full time basis. If you know me at all, you'll know that I cherish my kids. Each of them is unique and precious to me. Each one has gifts. Each one is different. I was always very involved in their lives and in the day to day raising of them. I can't tell you how many times I felt guided by the Holy Spirit to speak with them, teach them, and love them. I still feel that guidance, but it's very different now. I'm not with them like I used to be and it leaves a hollowness in me sometimes even though it's been a year and a half since things changed.
Well I was talking with God about it that night. I couldn't sleep. I kept tossing and turning and and pleading with him. I was expressing all my angst. I was naming my children one by one and going through all their situations asking him to change things for us, at least in the way that I would like them to change.
Well I know how the Lord works. He doesn't look at things they same way that we do. He sees the end from the beginning and knows us inside and out. He does things according to his own time according to his own will. He does not rush things and he let's us gain the maximum from each one of our experiences in this life, even the divorced experience. We can try to force things if we want, but it's always better if we wait patiently on the Lord to unfold our path before us. It yields the greatest results and the greatest happiness in this life and the next.
I finally got to sleep. When I woke up, nothing had really changed. I was still feeling a little of that angst. Of course, nothing had changed for me from the time I went to sleep to the time I woke up, but as the day unfolded I had opportunities to spend some quality time with my children on a day that wasn't scheduled to be mine.
I had a chance to take my oldest son to a fancy restaurant. I saw my two younger boys when I took my oldest boy home and we whooped and hollered and did break dancing in the driveway. Later I was welcomed home to my own place by two of my wonderful daughters. That was a nicer welcome home than I've had in years.
Had my situation changed? No, but I knew that all those little things were an answer to my prayers. They were like getting a hug from above, a little message telling me that the Lord had heard me and wanted to help me be okay. He sent my children to comfort me. He's got a plan worked out with great things in the present and future for me. I just know it.
Too many times we pray for things and expect divine intervention immediately. Sometimes God has other better plans for us than we know, or he just wants us to learn to be patient while he works behind the scenes to maker us better and stronger people. One thing I know is that he doesn't forget us and he wants us to be well. We need to be aware of when he is communicating with us and sending messages of love and encouragement. I know he does this for us all the time. We just have to learn to listen and be aware of those messages.
Maybe God will help me change some of my circumstances to be the way I want them over time. Maybe he's got a better plan for me than what I can come up with. Either way, I will trust him and things will continue to improve, grow, and become more beautiful. That's the way it is for us folks that are walking on this path of life but trying to walk it according to His will and not our own.
I know you are with me on this. We are all brothers and sisters walking through mortality on our way back home. Let's walk well! Let's walk well.
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The other night, I was experiencing anxiety over the situation of not having all my children live with me on a full time basis. If you know me at all, you'll know that I cherish my kids. Each of them is unique and precious to me. Each one has gifts. Each one is different. I was always very involved in their lives and in the day to day raising of them. I can't tell you how many times I felt guided by the Holy Spirit to speak with them, teach them, and love them. I still feel that guidance, but it's very different now. I'm not with them like I used to be and it leaves a hollowness in me sometimes even though it's been a year and a half since things changed.
Well I was talking with God about it that night. I couldn't sleep. I kept tossing and turning and and pleading with him. I was expressing all my angst. I was naming my children one by one and going through all their situations asking him to change things for us, at least in the way that I would like them to change.
Well I know how the Lord works. He doesn't look at things they same way that we do. He sees the end from the beginning and knows us inside and out. He does things according to his own time according to his own will. He does not rush things and he let's us gain the maximum from each one of our experiences in this life, even the divorced experience. We can try to force things if we want, but it's always better if we wait patiently on the Lord to unfold our path before us. It yields the greatest results and the greatest happiness in this life and the next.
I finally got to sleep. When I woke up, nothing had really changed. I was still feeling a little of that angst. Of course, nothing had changed for me from the time I went to sleep to the time I woke up, but as the day unfolded I had opportunities to spend some quality time with my children on a day that wasn't scheduled to be mine.
I had a chance to take my oldest son to a fancy restaurant. I saw my two younger boys when I took my oldest boy home and we whooped and hollered and did break dancing in the driveway. Later I was welcomed home to my own place by two of my wonderful daughters. That was a nicer welcome home than I've had in years.
Had my situation changed? No, but I knew that all those little things were an answer to my prayers. They were like getting a hug from above, a little message telling me that the Lord had heard me and wanted to help me be okay. He sent my children to comfort me. He's got a plan worked out with great things in the present and future for me. I just know it.
Too many times we pray for things and expect divine intervention immediately. Sometimes God has other better plans for us than we know, or he just wants us to learn to be patient while he works behind the scenes to maker us better and stronger people. One thing I know is that he doesn't forget us and he wants us to be well. We need to be aware of when he is communicating with us and sending messages of love and encouragement. I know he does this for us all the time. We just have to learn to listen and be aware of those messages.
Maybe God will help me change some of my circumstances to be the way I want them over time. Maybe he's got a better plan for me than what I can come up with. Either way, I will trust him and things will continue to improve, grow, and become more beautiful. That's the way it is for us folks that are walking on this path of life but trying to walk it according to His will and not our own.
I know you are with me on this. We are all brothers and sisters walking through mortality on our way back home. Let's walk well! Let's walk well.
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Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Dating Tips for LDS Single Ladies!
Back by popular demand, here I am, Brett Nielson, responding to your urgent request for dating tips for LDS ladies from an LDS man's perspective!
What I am about to tell you is classified manly information, and if you tell anyone I told you, I will deny it! Yet I am solely responsible for the content of this post so I guess I'll have to live with it if my words come to light in the world.
I do so testify that I, Brett Nielson, do accept any blame for this content and do not speak for all members of my sex.
Tip #1: Stay beautiful! In other words, look your best. Don't blame me for this, I didn't create myself or the male gender. Beautiful women come in all different sizes and flavors. Different men have different tastes, but we all agree, we love beautiful and attractive women. So invest in that. It's worth it. It makes everyone happy and for gosh sakes please be feminine. Femininity is highly prized and desired.
Tip #2: Be strong and independent. We are looking for equal partners. At this stage in life, a man needs a woman to work with him and not just look to be taken care of. Most of us have to pay substantial child support. Divorce has taken a serious toll on many of us financially and we are rebuilding. A woman who can work and contribute that way in a partnership is a huge asset and can relieve huge financial stress. This does not mean we are looking for a woman to support us financially, only to help at this rebuilding phase.
Tip #3: Support us as men. A woman who values the role of men as husbands and fathers and appreciates the sacrifices that we make and can express that appreciation to us is like gold. That kind of validation is so needed and makes us feel like we're worth something.
Tip #4: Let us pursue you. I know it's not fair but it's just the way it is. We are hunters and it works better in our psyche if you let us initiate and pursue you. It's much more rewarding if we have to work a little. This does not mean don't encourage us. Yes please encourage us if you are interested in us. If you don't give back something, then we will stop pursuing, but let us pursue. It's your best chance at success at landing one of us for more than one date.
Tip #5: Don't be too quick with physical affection. Yes, we do want that very much, but don't just jump into it too quickly. Make us work a little for it. We will value it much more if you do. Also, don't let the physical take precedence over everything or we'll start to lose that loving feeling. I don't know why, but it just works that way. Remember, bridle your passion, that you may be filled with love, like the scripture says. This may be surprising to you, but it's true. If you try to commit a man through the use of the physical or sexual, many just lose interest. I know this is counter-intuitive but somehow it's just works out that way. He may be interested in having fun with you but it often doesn't lead to true love or anything long term. The best chance at finding love is to follow the guidelines set forth by the Lord. I believe a full expression of love is only found in legal and lawful marriage. It just is.
Tip #6: Men do however, like to be touched. Back rubs, neck rubs, holding hands, caressing, hugs etc. are all awesome and we love those things.
Tip #7: Have fun. Men like to be active. We like to bond through fun activities.
Tip #8: Don't expect us to read your mind. No, I'm serious. We'll just disappoint you. You've got to be direct and concise about your needs and desires. I know we should get it, but we just don't. You guys are mysterious, so please use your words.
Tip #9: Share your spirituality. A woman's goodness and spirituality are crowning jewels to her and make us admire and even love her. A woman's testimony and faith provide a wonderful foundation and comfort to a man. Truly, your faith is inspiring and makes us want to be our best selves. Do not hide this under a bushel. Let your light so shine. Please.
Is there anything else? Yes, I'm sure there is, but I can't think of anything right now. Feel free to ask me questions and I'm sure my fellow brothers and I can weigh in. You can also challenge me to further explanation, I'm happy to do it. While I am no expert and bumble around in my own dating life, I think these ideas are pretty good. Take them for what they're worth.
Take care and enjoy life!
Upward and onward my fellow survivors!
Saturday, May 2, 2015
Still a Crazy Sports Dad!
Do you ever get annoyed with parents at sports events? They are just so gaga over their own kids, like no one else matters out there. They are so sure that their kid is going to go pro.
Well can I make a confession here? Sometimes I get a little carried away myself.
The other day I went to watch my 13 year old boy's baseball game. Remember, his Mom took him 45 minutes away to live, so he has to start all over proving himself to all his coaches. That's irritating. My boy is good. In my mind, he's one of the better athletes. In fact, I know he is.
So the game starts and my son's team takes the field, except my boy isn't out there. What??!! He's not out there? Ridiculous! They left him on the bench. Uggh! You've got to be kidding me. I put on my patient face and just wait.
The next inning they do put him on the field. Thank goodness! I start to relax, Later, when he first comes up to bat I'm excited and a little nervous for him. I want him to do well. He's the first batter up that inning. The coach gives him the signal of what he wants him to do. He steps up to the plate and lays out his bat to bunt the ball on the first pitch. What???!!!! A bunt when he's the first batter and no one else is on base? Why?? I feel myself starting to get irritated again. I don't like that call at all. But my boy is a good soldier and he lays down a perfect bunt on the second pitch. It's perfect, but not quite perfect enough. It goes up the first base line. He sprints forward, but the pitcher grabs the ball and narrowly throws him out at first. What a waste! Don't they know my boy can hit? Geez!
The next at bat, my son gets walked. Okay. I watch him steal second, then third, They hold him at third on the next few pitches but he keeps threatening to steal home. Finally, on a wild pitch, he books it home and scores. Everyone cheers. Yes!!! That was a gutsy play! I love it. You can't keep a Nielson down I say under my breath, secretly exulting.
Later he is out playing center field. The opposing batter steps up to the plate and strokes a nice one out far. My boy is all over it. I see him running forward to position himself for the catch, and he does catch it. Inning over. It's perfect! In a burst of energy, I find myself jumping up and down in the bleachers pumping my fists in the air. "That's my boy! That's my boy!" I hear myself shouting. The other parents look over at an over exuberant Dad jumping up and down and yelling. I barely notice. Subconsciously, I want everyone to know my boy is good and shouldn't be overlooked. I feel that old competitive spirit churning just like it used to when I played sports. Later, I sense I overreacted with the jumping and the yelling thing, but oh well.
After the game, I'm walking back to the car with my son.
"What was that you were yelling Dad? When I made that catch?"
"Oh, you heard that? Was I yelling that loud?"
"I kind of heard it. What where you saying?"
"Well, I think I said something like, 'That's my boy! That's my boy!' "
"Oh ya, That's what I though you said."
We turn the corner to get to the car and I see a big grin steal over his young face. Then I feel a big grin stealing over mine as well. Nothing like sharing a moment with your own flesh and blood. He's a Nielson and he's a part of me. Always will be and that's a fact.
I may be an overactive sports Dad, but I guess sometimes being an overactive sports Dad has it's perks.
Upward and onward!
Love you guys!
Well can I make a confession here? Sometimes I get a little carried away myself.
The other day I went to watch my 13 year old boy's baseball game. Remember, his Mom took him 45 minutes away to live, so he has to start all over proving himself to all his coaches. That's irritating. My boy is good. In my mind, he's one of the better athletes. In fact, I know he is.
So the game starts and my son's team takes the field, except my boy isn't out there. What??!! He's not out there? Ridiculous! They left him on the bench. Uggh! You've got to be kidding me. I put on my patient face and just wait.
The next inning they do put him on the field. Thank goodness! I start to relax, Later, when he first comes up to bat I'm excited and a little nervous for him. I want him to do well. He's the first batter up that inning. The coach gives him the signal of what he wants him to do. He steps up to the plate and lays out his bat to bunt the ball on the first pitch. What???!!!! A bunt when he's the first batter and no one else is on base? Why?? I feel myself starting to get irritated again. I don't like that call at all. But my boy is a good soldier and he lays down a perfect bunt on the second pitch. It's perfect, but not quite perfect enough. It goes up the first base line. He sprints forward, but the pitcher grabs the ball and narrowly throws him out at first. What a waste! Don't they know my boy can hit? Geez!
The next at bat, my son gets walked. Okay. I watch him steal second, then third, They hold him at third on the next few pitches but he keeps threatening to steal home. Finally, on a wild pitch, he books it home and scores. Everyone cheers. Yes!!! That was a gutsy play! I love it. You can't keep a Nielson down I say under my breath, secretly exulting.
Later he is out playing center field. The opposing batter steps up to the plate and strokes a nice one out far. My boy is all over it. I see him running forward to position himself for the catch, and he does catch it. Inning over. It's perfect! In a burst of energy, I find myself jumping up and down in the bleachers pumping my fists in the air. "That's my boy! That's my boy!" I hear myself shouting. The other parents look over at an over exuberant Dad jumping up and down and yelling. I barely notice. Subconsciously, I want everyone to know my boy is good and shouldn't be overlooked. I feel that old competitive spirit churning just like it used to when I played sports. Later, I sense I overreacted with the jumping and the yelling thing, but oh well.
After the game, I'm walking back to the car with my son.
"What was that you were yelling Dad? When I made that catch?"
"Oh, you heard that? Was I yelling that loud?"
"I kind of heard it. What where you saying?"
"Well, I think I said something like, 'That's my boy! That's my boy!' "
"Oh ya, That's what I though you said."
We turn the corner to get to the car and I see a big grin steal over his young face. Then I feel a big grin stealing over mine as well. Nothing like sharing a moment with your own flesh and blood. He's a Nielson and he's a part of me. Always will be and that's a fact.
I may be an overactive sports Dad, but I guess sometimes being an overactive sports Dad has it's perks.
Upward and onward!
Love you guys!
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Crisis of Faith: Why my Divorce didn't Destroy Mine.
When divorce happens, it is devastating to those involved. I never really understood anything about it until I went through it myself. Because of the emotional trauma divorced people go through, many find it difficult it to stay faithful to their religious beliefs, and many more suffer because of the negative judgments of people in their church congregations and communities. What's more is that many feel abandoned by their friends and even sometimes their families. They feel anger, sadness, shame and a whole plethora of negative emotions. Many may follow this train of thought: "If God knows everything, why did he let me walk into that marriage? Didn't he care about me and my happiness? Why did he let me suffer like that? There must not be a God, or if there is, he surely doesn't love me."
When I was young, I was very spiritually minded. God gave me, I believe, a gift of the spirit. When I heard the word of God spoken, the power and truth in the words sunk down deep into my heart. I had a curious mind and wanted to know everything I could about the truth and the meaning of life. The messages shared at church gave me many of those answers and made me feel alive. I didn't believe I was alone in the universe. I just knew that God loved me and had a mission for me to complete. Believing in God made me feel special and unique. It still does.
As I grew older, my simple child like faith began to be tested. It was hard sometimes as a Mormon kid growing up in a minority religion in states like Ohio and Georgia. I caught flack because I wouldn't engage in the drinking, partying culture of high school. My way of living seemed to be so opposite of what the majority of kids were doing. It was tough to feel so different from everyone, like an outcast. Fortunately, I still made many friends who weren't into that lifestyle either and they came from many different faith backgrounds. I still cherish those friendships and will never forget them.
Some of the biggest trials of faith came because of circumstances I could not control. In high school, for example, I became very ill, and to had to give up my celebrated sports career. This devastated me at the time. A lot of my self worth was packed into being a great athlete and I had enjoyed good success up through my 10th grade year. When I had my health taken away from me, it felt like an unjust punishment. What had I done to deserve it? I questioned God on a daily basis. Why wouldn't he step in for me? I went over it time and time again in my mind, trying to understand it, trying to negotiate with God over my condition. I couldn't get him to change his mind, but he opened other doors for me. Only later did I begin to understand what a great blessing it was for me to go through that experience and how I was blessed to spend time with and get to know other wonderful people who I wouldn't have had a chance to know otherwise.
Later as a 19 year old, while serving as an LDS mission in Ecuador, I continued to suffer health wise and I was extremely disillusioned about how things were run in my mission organization. I felt extremely let down by people who I wanted and needed to look up to. I was shocked and saddened on many occasions and God still wouldn't intervene and restore my health to me. It affected me so much that I felt that he had abandoned me. It caused me to really question my faith, first in my leaders, then in God. I just couldn't work it out in my mind and to this day it was the closest I ever came to losing my faith. It took several years after the mission experience to fully heal and have my faith restored.
So why do I tell you these very old struggles of mine? I think it is to make this point. I've had many different trials of faith since then, the most recent being the loss of a marriage and the separation from having my children live with me full time. The difficult marriage and the divorce itself caused me the sharpest pain that I've ever felt, but when that challenge came, I was ready. My faith had already become established. Because of what I suffered before in life, and how the Lord helped me to overcome those things, I knew that I would be given the strength to handle this too. I realize that God doesn't look at challenges and difficulties the way that we do. In our limited understanding, we would spare ourselves of all pain and discomfort. God knows what's best for us and he allows us to experience these things to give us an opportunity to learn his lessons and to become better and better.
True faith can never go unchallenged. What is faith if it is never proven? If it is never tested by the fire of affliction, the weakness of flesh, the ridicule of peers or life's injustices, then how do we even know that we have faith? What is our faith if our life is all about having an easy time with no obstacles? Faith would be only an abstract idea. We would never really know ourselves and what we are made of and what we are capable of becoming. It would be like living in the Garden of Eden. Everything would be easy, but there would be no growth. We need opposition to grow. Just like an athlete uses weights to help his muscles grow, trials and difficulties are what God uses to build our spiritual muscles. What we as human beings need to understand is that there is a plan for each one of us, a personal training program designed by God to bring us back to his presence better than we were when we left him, but we have to be willing to drink of the bitter cup and not become bitter ourselves. If we can do that, and we submit to his will, he refines us and burns out our impurities. He prepares us little by little to be more like him. He will give us joy, and our joy will be heightened because we have experienced the opposite. Eventually, our joy will be full.
If we want to be be healed from our wounds and all our sorrow, we must turn to God and live. Healing is a process and takes time, but we have the power to shorten that time significantly if we just allow the Holy Spirit to work in us. It's all about doing the little things like going to church even if we don't feel like it, praying sincerely, listening to the voice of the Lord when it speaks to us, studying the word of God, serving others. Those things are what allows God to work in our lives and heal us much quicker than we could ever do by ourselves. That's the power of grace and the atonement.
At least now, after all I've been through, I know my faith is real. God already knew me, but now I know myself better. I'm sure I'll have more trials in my future, but please excuse me if I don't focus on them now. I'm busy healing and I believe that my future looks bright!
Onward and upward my brothers and sisters!
When I was young, I was very spiritually minded. God gave me, I believe, a gift of the spirit. When I heard the word of God spoken, the power and truth in the words sunk down deep into my heart. I had a curious mind and wanted to know everything I could about the truth and the meaning of life. The messages shared at church gave me many of those answers and made me feel alive. I didn't believe I was alone in the universe. I just knew that God loved me and had a mission for me to complete. Believing in God made me feel special and unique. It still does.
As I grew older, my simple child like faith began to be tested. It was hard sometimes as a Mormon kid growing up in a minority religion in states like Ohio and Georgia. I caught flack because I wouldn't engage in the drinking, partying culture of high school. My way of living seemed to be so opposite of what the majority of kids were doing. It was tough to feel so different from everyone, like an outcast. Fortunately, I still made many friends who weren't into that lifestyle either and they came from many different faith backgrounds. I still cherish those friendships and will never forget them.
Some of the biggest trials of faith came because of circumstances I could not control. In high school, for example, I became very ill, and to had to give up my celebrated sports career. This devastated me at the time. A lot of my self worth was packed into being a great athlete and I had enjoyed good success up through my 10th grade year. When I had my health taken away from me, it felt like an unjust punishment. What had I done to deserve it? I questioned God on a daily basis. Why wouldn't he step in for me? I went over it time and time again in my mind, trying to understand it, trying to negotiate with God over my condition. I couldn't get him to change his mind, but he opened other doors for me. Only later did I begin to understand what a great blessing it was for me to go through that experience and how I was blessed to spend time with and get to know other wonderful people who I wouldn't have had a chance to know otherwise.
Later as a 19 year old, while serving as an LDS mission in Ecuador, I continued to suffer health wise and I was extremely disillusioned about how things were run in my mission organization. I felt extremely let down by people who I wanted and needed to look up to. I was shocked and saddened on many occasions and God still wouldn't intervene and restore my health to me. It affected me so much that I felt that he had abandoned me. It caused me to really question my faith, first in my leaders, then in God. I just couldn't work it out in my mind and to this day it was the closest I ever came to losing my faith. It took several years after the mission experience to fully heal and have my faith restored.
So why do I tell you these very old struggles of mine? I think it is to make this point. I've had many different trials of faith since then, the most recent being the loss of a marriage and the separation from having my children live with me full time. The difficult marriage and the divorce itself caused me the sharpest pain that I've ever felt, but when that challenge came, I was ready. My faith had already become established. Because of what I suffered before in life, and how the Lord helped me to overcome those things, I knew that I would be given the strength to handle this too. I realize that God doesn't look at challenges and difficulties the way that we do. In our limited understanding, we would spare ourselves of all pain and discomfort. God knows what's best for us and he allows us to experience these things to give us an opportunity to learn his lessons and to become better and better.
True faith can never go unchallenged. What is faith if it is never proven? If it is never tested by the fire of affliction, the weakness of flesh, the ridicule of peers or life's injustices, then how do we even know that we have faith? What is our faith if our life is all about having an easy time with no obstacles? Faith would be only an abstract idea. We would never really know ourselves and what we are made of and what we are capable of becoming. It would be like living in the Garden of Eden. Everything would be easy, but there would be no growth. We need opposition to grow. Just like an athlete uses weights to help his muscles grow, trials and difficulties are what God uses to build our spiritual muscles. What we as human beings need to understand is that there is a plan for each one of us, a personal training program designed by God to bring us back to his presence better than we were when we left him, but we have to be willing to drink of the bitter cup and not become bitter ourselves. If we can do that, and we submit to his will, he refines us and burns out our impurities. He prepares us little by little to be more like him. He will give us joy, and our joy will be heightened because we have experienced the opposite. Eventually, our joy will be full.
If we want to be be healed from our wounds and all our sorrow, we must turn to God and live. Healing is a process and takes time, but we have the power to shorten that time significantly if we just allow the Holy Spirit to work in us. It's all about doing the little things like going to church even if we don't feel like it, praying sincerely, listening to the voice of the Lord when it speaks to us, studying the word of God, serving others. Those things are what allows God to work in our lives and heal us much quicker than we could ever do by ourselves. That's the power of grace and the atonement.
At least now, after all I've been through, I know my faith is real. God already knew me, but now I know myself better. I'm sure I'll have more trials in my future, but please excuse me if I don't focus on them now. I'm busy healing and I believe that my future looks bright!
Onward and upward my brothers and sisters!
Sunday, April 12, 2015
Looking for the One
Okay guys, it's been a long time now since I been writing this blog. Those of you who've followed me on my journey here, have witnessed me take many steps, sometimes painful ones, towards healing. I'm honestly in a good place now for the most part emotionally. I've dealt with many demons and I'm still standing. I have hope and I have no doubt that I will completely rebuild my life, except this time I will build it better than I did before. Because I've experienced plenty of pain along this life journey, I will be prepared to receive greater joy. This joy will include a new partner. I know my joy cannot be complete without one. I also know that having that partner is essential to my eternal destiny.
But herein lies the challenge. I cannot exactly control this process. Oh sure, I could run out and find someone who would agree to marry, but I'm not just looking for just anyone. I've already seen what can happen in an unhappy marriage. I will do my best this time to pick better. I do not regret marrying my first wife despite all that happened, but I would never wish to repeat the experience. This time I marry for real. The practice marriage I had is everlastingly over. The new eternal one is yet to be discovered.
Perhaps I'm not ready for marriage yet. Most likely the timing is not yet right. It's got to happen on its' own time. I don't believe in rushing it or forcing things to happen. As I tell everyone, I would rather be single by far than to make a poor choice.. Ultimately you can only prepare yourself for the opportunity. You have to be ready when that time comes, when your preparation meets an equal preparation on the part of the other person.
What I fear in the mean time is that I will hurt someone or that I will be hurt, and that is absolutely the last thing I ever want. I guess that's just part of my personality. I'm the feeling type to the core. So being in this stage of life carries a little bit of unease. One of the benefits of marriage is that you get to be out of all that fuzzy, foggy dating reality. That's why many people tend to be much more productive married. They no longer have to look and risk. It provides a stability like nothing else, if the relationship is healthy.
So what does all this mean for me now? I know I can't live my life being afraid to risk something. I've never been the type to just sit and wait for something good to happen. That's just passive and passive is not me. I would rather act than be acted upon. I may not be able to completely control what happens but I have to be out there doing something For me, that's a hundred times healthier than the alternative. Meeting potential partners is just an attempt to find the right match. It's a good thing, a positive thing. It's a learning experience. It's prep work.
When you date someone, you subconsciously agree to open yourself to explore and see if feelings could develop that could lead to something more. You both are putting yourself out there and you could both be hurt. That's just the system we're in and there's nothing we can do about it. If we don't like it, I guess we don't have to participate, or we could hire someone to do all the thinking for us. In my experience, that's just not Heavenly Father's plan. He calculates everything to be a growth experience. Love grows more with the existence of opposition.
I believe that Heavenly Father puts people in our paths in life so that we can help each other learn and grow. He doesn't throw our future mates to us everyday. Maybe he has purposes to accomplish with us in knowing others leading up to the one we will eventually be with. I think the key is to not worry too much about it and let the Lord take the lead. The mistake would be, however, to never get into the game, to sit on the sidelines waiting for divine intervention. That may work for some of us, but I think if I told the Lord I was just going to wait till he sent me that right person, he would just look at me, smile a little, and shake his head. "That's not how we play this game son. You know that." Oh snap! He got me again!
Whose to say that the Lord isn't leading me right this very second in my dating life, helping me get prepared, accomplishing other purposes in the mean time through my relationships and more? And I suppose that when I'm finally good and ready, she'll show up and I'll know it.
Just some food for thought for you all. :) I hope all is well.
Good night!
But herein lies the challenge. I cannot exactly control this process. Oh sure, I could run out and find someone who would agree to marry, but I'm not just looking for just anyone. I've already seen what can happen in an unhappy marriage. I will do my best this time to pick better. I do not regret marrying my first wife despite all that happened, but I would never wish to repeat the experience. This time I marry for real. The practice marriage I had is everlastingly over. The new eternal one is yet to be discovered.
Perhaps I'm not ready for marriage yet. Most likely the timing is not yet right. It's got to happen on its' own time. I don't believe in rushing it or forcing things to happen. As I tell everyone, I would rather be single by far than to make a poor choice.. Ultimately you can only prepare yourself for the opportunity. You have to be ready when that time comes, when your preparation meets an equal preparation on the part of the other person.
What I fear in the mean time is that I will hurt someone or that I will be hurt, and that is absolutely the last thing I ever want. I guess that's just part of my personality. I'm the feeling type to the core. So being in this stage of life carries a little bit of unease. One of the benefits of marriage is that you get to be out of all that fuzzy, foggy dating reality. That's why many people tend to be much more productive married. They no longer have to look and risk. It provides a stability like nothing else, if the relationship is healthy.
So what does all this mean for me now? I know I can't live my life being afraid to risk something. I've never been the type to just sit and wait for something good to happen. That's just passive and passive is not me. I would rather act than be acted upon. I may not be able to completely control what happens but I have to be out there doing something For me, that's a hundred times healthier than the alternative. Meeting potential partners is just an attempt to find the right match. It's a good thing, a positive thing. It's a learning experience. It's prep work.
When you date someone, you subconsciously agree to open yourself to explore and see if feelings could develop that could lead to something more. You both are putting yourself out there and you could both be hurt. That's just the system we're in and there's nothing we can do about it. If we don't like it, I guess we don't have to participate, or we could hire someone to do all the thinking for us. In my experience, that's just not Heavenly Father's plan. He calculates everything to be a growth experience. Love grows more with the existence of opposition.
I believe that Heavenly Father puts people in our paths in life so that we can help each other learn and grow. He doesn't throw our future mates to us everyday. Maybe he has purposes to accomplish with us in knowing others leading up to the one we will eventually be with. I think the key is to not worry too much about it and let the Lord take the lead. The mistake would be, however, to never get into the game, to sit on the sidelines waiting for divine intervention. That may work for some of us, but I think if I told the Lord I was just going to wait till he sent me that right person, he would just look at me, smile a little, and shake his head. "That's not how we play this game son. You know that." Oh snap! He got me again!
Whose to say that the Lord isn't leading me right this very second in my dating life, helping me get prepared, accomplishing other purposes in the mean time through my relationships and more? And I suppose that when I'm finally good and ready, she'll show up and I'll know it.
Just some food for thought for you all. :) I hope all is well.
Good night!
Monday, April 6, 2015
Looking Back on It: Was it a Mistake?
You know you have to ask the question.... You think you know the answer, but you need to vet it. You need to make sure. You need to understand yourself. You need to understand your own life.... Darn veil we have down here! Don't know anything. Bumble around bumping into things, trying to build and watching our sand castles get knocked over time after time. It's a risky, messy and beautiful life, making marks on our spirits and our bodies at the same time.
The truth is that nothing we build in the worldly way lasts anyway and the pain we suffer down here is acute but temporary. All that matters is the essence inside our souls, and the love we have for Heavenly Father and the others who are on our journey with us. It's a spiritual world at the core, building future Gods if we want to pursue that.
Was marrying that girl a mistake? I guess you could say so if you are only looking at a short period of time in a mortal life. If you look with a narrow focus of a life span 80 to 90 years, 23 years was a big chunk of wasted time. What could I have done or accomplished in 23 years without that anchor and failure? Gained more worldly success? What did I really gain? What did I really lose? What was the cost/benefit ratio?
Tonight I'm feeling that I gained much. The experiences I had over those 23 years have embedded themselves upon my soul. They gave me an opportunity to lay it all on the line for the Lord. They gave me a chance to prove to myself that I was willing to go to the end. The 23 years were not all bad. There were periods of great peace and joy. The Lord worked with me through my trials. I met and loved and impacted and was impacted by beautiful people who I never would have met but through my marriage. Through it I have come closer to being my best self.
As for the promises I made to my former spouse both in this life and I believe even in my pre-mortal life, I have kept. I left nothing undone. I made every effort to ensure the eventual realization of the blessings promised in the temple to all worthy couples through their faithfulness. I carry no guilt with me other than understanding that I was an imperfect being and could not act as the Savior at all times. When I didn't, I acknowledged it and did my best to repair and rebuild. In the end, there was nothing more I could do.
I have now entered a different life, a different season. My path is bright before my feet, but I can see only a little way ahead, not very far at all. At least I have the assurance that the light goes before me and that I am being led and influenced by something greater than myself. I wait upon the Lord to rebuild, remold, to restore me. I know he is in the process even as I write.
My marriage was not a mistake. In the end it was a glorious and divine tutorial, full of hope, pain, and love. I wrap it up neatly and present it to God and lay it upon his altar, to be consecrated to my gain and to the gain of my children and to the gain of anyone who may be touched by its' tragic beauty. May it serve to instruct, inspire, heal, or lift any of my brothers and sisters in any way the Lord sees fit to use it. Someday I may combine these writings and more into a book, a book that will hopefully benefit my brothers and sisters whom I love.
Sincerely,
Your Brother
The truth is that nothing we build in the worldly way lasts anyway and the pain we suffer down here is acute but temporary. All that matters is the essence inside our souls, and the love we have for Heavenly Father and the others who are on our journey with us. It's a spiritual world at the core, building future Gods if we want to pursue that.
Was marrying that girl a mistake? I guess you could say so if you are only looking at a short period of time in a mortal life. If you look with a narrow focus of a life span 80 to 90 years, 23 years was a big chunk of wasted time. What could I have done or accomplished in 23 years without that anchor and failure? Gained more worldly success? What did I really gain? What did I really lose? What was the cost/benefit ratio?
Tonight I'm feeling that I gained much. The experiences I had over those 23 years have embedded themselves upon my soul. They gave me an opportunity to lay it all on the line for the Lord. They gave me a chance to prove to myself that I was willing to go to the end. The 23 years were not all bad. There were periods of great peace and joy. The Lord worked with me through my trials. I met and loved and impacted and was impacted by beautiful people who I never would have met but through my marriage. Through it I have come closer to being my best self.
As for the promises I made to my former spouse both in this life and I believe even in my pre-mortal life, I have kept. I left nothing undone. I made every effort to ensure the eventual realization of the blessings promised in the temple to all worthy couples through their faithfulness. I carry no guilt with me other than understanding that I was an imperfect being and could not act as the Savior at all times. When I didn't, I acknowledged it and did my best to repair and rebuild. In the end, there was nothing more I could do.
I have now entered a different life, a different season. My path is bright before my feet, but I can see only a little way ahead, not very far at all. At least I have the assurance that the light goes before me and that I am being led and influenced by something greater than myself. I wait upon the Lord to rebuild, remold, to restore me. I know he is in the process even as I write.
My marriage was not a mistake. In the end it was a glorious and divine tutorial, full of hope, pain, and love. I wrap it up neatly and present it to God and lay it upon his altar, to be consecrated to my gain and to the gain of my children and to the gain of anyone who may be touched by its' tragic beauty. May it serve to instruct, inspire, heal, or lift any of my brothers and sisters in any way the Lord sees fit to use it. Someday I may combine these writings and more into a book, a book that will hopefully benefit my brothers and sisters whom I love.
Sincerely,
Your Brother
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