Waterfalls of Transformation

These last few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotion and development.  I'm astonished at what is taking place inside my spirit and psyche right now.  I don't ever remember a time in my life of such change and transformation.  I look at it as a special time of blessing and mercy from our Heavenly Father.  It's as if a dam has broken and the water is gushing out of huge gaps and is sweeping down debris in its path and making rough places smooth.  I have difficulty even describing all that is happening because so much is taking place in rapid succession or simultaneously.

After my last post I had declared a great victory in understanding how far I have come in acceptance of myself and my life purpose and mission.  Little did I know that I had not nearly arrived yet in my healing and learning.  I don't think I can explain this all in one post and still do it justice so I'll just pick up my story from where I left off and talk to you about what happened next.

After I came to that wonderful and freeing realization of what I've been doing through all these trials and what they meant to me and my children, I thought I had arrived at a major tipping point.  I still do believe it was a huge turning point for me, and I'm still enjoying the peace that comes from it.  But soon after, as I calmed down a bit, I had several people come up to me in the same day and ask me if I had forgiven my ex yet?

"What?  No.  Of course not."  I replied.  "Already?  Are you kidding me?  I don't think I'll be able to forgive her for a very long time.  Maybe after I've financially recovered from the damage she did to me and I'm comfortably with a new spouse and all my children are back with me full time.  When I pay no more support to her, and I have all my old furniture back and I own my own house again, then maybe I'll be in a position to forgive her.  You get that don't you?"  "Hmmm." was always the reply. "You have to let it go or you just won't be able to move on to the kind of productive life that you could have if you did" they say with concerned tones.  What the ...??!!!  As if it were that easy!  Just flip a switch and I'll forgive her.  Ya.  Right!!

Well, heck!  I thought I was doing good.  Who knew?  You mean I have to forgive her too?  Right now?  Give me a break!  I just got done understanding my life and what it means.  Now you tell me I have to forgive her?  Outrageous! What about all the crap she did?  How she hurt me, my children and countless others.  This was really just too much.  I tried to just shrug off the forgiveness idea and forget about it.  "Later" I told myself.  "Later."

There was only one problem.  As much as I tried to shrug it off, a kind of subtle uneasiness began to grow bit by bit inside my gut.  "What's up Brett?  You look concerned about something" says a friend.  "I'm fine." I say.  "Nothing's wrong". But over the next few hours, the uneasiness continues to grow.  I begin to realize that there is something wrong within.  I don't understand it at first.  I don't get it, but I soon begin to understand that I'm trembling inside.  Something is moving me.  I feel a kind of unexpected sorrow.  I can only describe that feeling as something spiritual, unearthly.  It was a kind of spiritual sadness.  I realized that although I wasn't crying on the outside, I was weeping on the inside.  I felt it in my stomach.  It was a trembling, crying feeling and it would not stop.  It would not go away.  I decided not to resist it.  I recognized that it came from Heavenly Father.  I realized that he was working with me.  He was asking me to give something up, something that I had been holding on to for a while.  I feel that trembling again as I write this.

"You need to give this up, Brett." I hear him say to me.  "It's holding you back."

"Are you sure Lord.  You want this from me now?"

"Yes, I do son.  For your own sake.  If you don't give this to me now, you run the risk of leaving yourself open to the Adversary.  He will come in and take away all my revelations that I have given you to this point.  You will be left weak and my spirit will not be able to stay with you.  Let it go my son.  I suffered so that you can live."

My trembling continues.  It continues for days.  It accompanies me to work, in my travels, in my quiet moments. It becomes my companion.  I do not resist the feeling.  I choose to embrace it.

"Come to me! Cleanse me!" I cry.  "I give this to you Father.  I cannot do this by myself.  I can only give you my anger if you help me.  I'm not strong enough on my own.  I'm only a weak and prideful man.  I can't forgive without your help."  I keep driving and my inward trembling continues.  I struggle on for a while in this sacred weeping and subtly, without my realizing it, I begin to change. Little by little the trembling fades and is replaced by a sweet calm.

My friends, I will never forget that feeling and how my weeping gradually morphed into peace.  I was in a spiritual struggle full of sadness, but divine in nature and underneath it all, there was a pure love.  I guess you can compare it to a loving parent embracing an enraged child and not letting go till all the weeping and anger is gone out of that child and peace and calm return.  That's the only thing I can compare it to.  It was a long spiritual embrace and struggle.  I had to get something out of my system and I couldn't do it by myself.  There was no way.  It could only be done by the grace of God through the atonement of Jesus Christ who I called upon.

After the third day, my weeping stopped.  My inner tears were gone.  So was my anger.  My memories were still intact, but my desire for vengeance was pretty much gone.  It wasn't that I had forgotten what had been done to me, it was just that it no longer seemed to matter so much.  I marveled at my new lack of anger and joy slowly began to return to me.

I went to visit my children in their new town at the end of this odyssey .  This was the town where my ex so rashly took them, where I resented to go, where my anger usually surfaced, but this time my heart filled with love.  There was a peace and a comfort there and I felt so much joy in my children's presence that I was astonished and grateful.  I felt that I could work with their mother again.  I had come so far.

I realized what a great mercy I had received from the Lord.  Instead of letting me seethe in my anger for years on end, he came and took it from me.  He would not have done so if I had not been willing. He would not take it against my will. I had to invite him to take it from me, my anger and bitterness. And when I did, he was there and he received it from me and released me from my prison.

I will tell you my friends, the Lord can do miracles with our hearts.  He can give us a new heart.  He can heal.  He can take away the poison.  Maybe you all are way ahead of me on this.  This was my trial,  my ordained path.  Is yours similar to mine?  My feeling is that we can all heal faster than we think.  We just have to be willing to give up our precious anger, our comfortable pride, our coveted sadness.  These things too we must place on the altar.

I do not say that I have arrived yet in any way.  Every time I think I've learned something wonderful, something new pops up that I hadn't considered, but I'm dealing with things one at a time, and as long as I'm willing, the Lord continues to heal my heart.

I love you my brothers and sisters.  This part of my story is done, but there's more, much more.  I'm not done with this saga and I have more to share which I will do soon enough.

For now I wish you all blessings and peace.

You are my fellow survivors.  You are all greater than you know.

How Far I've Come

I was looking back over some of my journals last night from over a year ago.  I hadn't read those entries for quite a while.  They were the entries of when I was trying to save my marriage.  It was a time of severe trial and exquisite emotional pain.  Entry after entry was full of angst and crying out to the Lord.  Night after night as I was alone in my room I found myself constantly writing in my journal. I was desperately trying to release the toxic emotions out of my body and into the atmosphere for some semblance of relief. It was the only way I could cope and it was the only thing I knew to help me keep my sanity or make any sense out of my life.  In the midst of that, I lost my job, experienced huge financial pressures as result of decisions made by my spouse over a long period of time and also great fear of what would become of me and my children.  I also feared that I had lost all my chances and the promises of my patriarchal blessing and other pressures that I don't care to mention in this post.  I had been through many trials before that time, but the feelings I had then, were the most acute of them all;  and the thing that filled me full of the most absolute dread, was the idea of having to break my children's hearts.  The idea of telling them was just inconceivable to me and filled me with horror.  I can only liken that time to the feeling of being on your back with a 200 pound rock on your chest while someone sticks a knife in your gut and twists.  This on top of a growing suspicion that I had been betrayed and rejected for another and that the person had been my friend.  This is my poor attempt to describe where I was a year and a half ago and the feelings I was experiencing.

I used to think that those of us living in modern times could not compare with the pioneers or saints from past eras because of all they went through.  I have since come to believe that the Lord can try us to the core in these times just as well as he could in the past.  He can develop us just as much in the here and now.  There is no limit placed on our spiritual growth potential in our mortal experience.  It's all a matter of how we choose to embrace our trials.  We can suffer in a Godly way which turns us into gold or we can allow our trials to canker and embitter us to where we lose all our chances for joy.  I am choosing the latter.

I am tired of living in the past.  I have come a very long way since those bitter feelings engulfed me. I want to more fully embrace the idea of "Men are that they might have joy."

I wrote in my last post about how Heavenly Father has created a new way for me to see my life.  It took a long time for those realizations to set in, but once they did, that 200 pound rock disappeared and the knife got pulled out of my stomach.  My wounds are healing.

I still can't say that I have no anger for my ex, because I still do.  I guess that one will take some more time for me, but as far as how I see myself and my life mission, I have improved leaps and bounds and it has provided me with the kind of freedom that I have longed for over many years.  I can't tell you how much better I feel.

I don't want to stop here either.  I still want to rebuild my life completely and there are some missing components to it.  Those things missing will be filled over time, but I have come so far in my one year since my divorce that I am amazed and I believe the Lord is on my side helping me build more and more.  Should I have ever doubted that he would help?  No.  I've been talking with him non stop about what I want to do in the second half of my life and how I want to finish out my mission on this earth.  He hears me.  He knows what I want to do and what I want to accomplish.  In my mind I hear him answer me.  "I'm working on it.  All in it's proper time.  You can't skip any steps, Brett.  Little by little and all will be placed in its' proper position.  All the empty spaces will be filled.  Just trust me." And so I do.  I still believe and I still trust, and every day a little something changes for the better. Over time all the little improvements add up to a great deal.

So I guess the moral of the story is this:  Honor your past, but don't live there.  Each stage of life brings it's own opportunities and joys.  Each stage has been specially designed for our growth.  Let's not be satisfied in resting where we are.  If we can catch a glimpse of our true selve's and our true potential, then let's take the steps now to get ourselves to that place.  As we do so, the Lord will carry us on his wings.  I will not say that we are now done with all pain yet, but the day is coming when we will experience it no more.  For now, let's allow our pain to sanctify us and change us inside to grow to be who we are meant to be.  There is no other way on the Celestial path.  We have to walk through it.  It's by design and for our good.  We signed up for this.  We knew what we would have to face, but we rejoiced in it.

So I'm walking with you now brothers and sisters, on our divorce path, and honestly, I'm glad to have your company.

Your Personal Mission on this Earth

Have you ever felt like your mission on this earth, the promises made to you in blessings, or your special dreams have just been shattered, ripped apart or destroyed? It's easy for us divorced folks to feel that way.  Very easy.  The biggest dream of all, the idea of an eternal marriage has been ripped from us like a new scab off an old wound and the wound seems to keep oozing no matter how many bandages we apply.

The truth is that we all want to feel special.  We all want to feel that we are important to the Lord, to feel that he hasn't forgotten us, that we each have a wonderful and beautiful mission to fulfill in this life.  We want happy outcomes and happy endings.  We want all things to fall into place the way we think they are supposed to.  We all want to accomplish what we set out to do and we don't particularly enjoy all the opposition and detours that we constantly get hit with, and of course, we all want this to happen in our own time.

I have struggled with these feelings for many years, even before my divorce.  I've had many challenges that I won't go in to detail about in this post, but suffice it to say that I've always had big dreams and have always felt thwarted, like I was being held back, like I could never use my talents or that I was constantly being looked over.   It's been hard for me because of my very enthusiastic and intense spirit.  It has been one of my greatest challenges in the first half of my life and it has caused me much discomfort over the years.

Well, all those feelings were intensified and exacerbated through this divorce process. To feel like your number one calling as a husband has been rejected by your spouse and your dream of an eternal marriage and family has been dashed to pieces is a bitter, bitter pill to swallow.  I really don't feel that it was my fault. Though I was imperfect, I still didn't deserve what was handed to me.  Still, to have so many reversals happen over the course of my life time has not been easy.  They have seemed to come repeatedly to me.  Sometimes I have felt like Satan has placed a wager with God about whether I'll stay faithful or not, like he did with Job.  The Lord just turns around and says, "Go ahead.  Try him."  Then Satan unleashes all hell on me and kicks me up and down the street. Luckily, he has limits imposed and can't go too far or give me more than I can handle, but he comes close.  Somehow I manage to pick myself up off the ground and recover enough to fight another day.  I end up healing for awhile and then the bell rings again and I'm off to another knock down drag out fight with adversary.  The rounds take everything I've got to survive and I'm bruised and bloody, but I'm still standing.  My spirit is not broken.

Recently, I've had a great mercy bestowed upon me.  In counseling with friends and family and especially in talks with one particular friend, I have come to see myself in a much truer light.  I feel as though a great burden has been lifted off me.  By having an outside observer take a look at my life path and circumstances, I have been able to put one critical puzzle piece into place.  With this piece put in its proper place, now all the other pieces start to rapidly fit together.  The puzzle is not done yet, I don't know everything about my life, but I've been able to view part one in a way that makes so much sense and casts such a positive light on what I've done and accomplished thus far, that all my shame and regret have melted away.  I can view myself as the hero in my own story now instead of the one that's always thwarted, marred and held back.

This process has taken a long time.  I have received no visions or dreams.  The positive realizations have come as a result of self reflection, study of the gospel, striving to be completely honest with myself, listening to the input of loving friends and family, and of course, most of all, listening to the still small voice of the spirit.

I can say with complete confidence now:

1.  I have no shame for having gone through a divorce.
2.  I have no shame for not having more financial achievement thus far in life or that I suffered financial reversals because of things I couldn't control in my marriage and as a result of the divorce itself.
3.  I have no shame that I have not had more success in my career.
4.  I have no shame that I have not had greater callings in church.
5.  I have no regret that I did not develop more talents when I was younger or that I didn't have the chance to develop them or that my development was interrupted in some of them.

These are all things that have vexed me over the years.

Now:

a.  I am confident that my life has been one that pleases the Lord.
b.  I believe that my calling as a father to my specific children has been foreordained.
c.  I believe that my calling as a father to them has been my true calling and that it has superseded anything else.
d.  I believe that I chose to be a transformational person for my children and for my ex's family line.
e.  I believe that I have been willing to sacrifice everything to fulfill my calling and that my life decisions have reflected that focus.
f.  I believe that I knew my mission before this life and that I accepted it and rejoiced in it.
g.  I believe that many of the promises spoken of in my patriarchal blessing will begin to be unfolded in part two of my life, beginning now.

I am not perfect of course.  I'm still a work in progress, but these truths have become my truths and they have changed everything. I have become liberated.  I can go forward in part two of my life with no shame, and when the Lord sees fit to reveal to me a new companion, I won't have my hurt or disappointment overshadowing our relationship.  I'll be able to give to her freely as she deserves and together we will complete our story.

I know that we can all have these realizations come to us.  Yours may come in a dream or a vision. Mine came in another way that is no less significant.  The truth is out there brothers and sisters, whatever that truth may be.  I encourage you to put in the time and effort to discover your own.  We cannot control how and when the Lord will choose to reveal these things to us, but he will not withhold that information as we diligently seek to understand and are willing to submit and accept all that he reveals.  Until then, keep moving forward in faith.  Your time is coming.

I believe that I'm part of great group of divorce survivors in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  You are all still wonderful people with fabulous things yet to accomplish in this life.  I feel that it's my privilege to walk this path with you.

Thank you all for listening.  May you all discover the beautiful truth about yourselves.  You are all heroes!

The Ex's Wedding: Repercussions for my Kids

Last time I wrote about how my ex's wedding day was a liberation day for me.  I think I did something great by having a party with wonderful and loving people.  It was probably one of the smartest moves I've made in my post divorce healing.  It was great for me and I still owe everyone who contributed.  Thank you all!

It's been about a week since then and what I'm seeing now is that my ex's wedding day was something quite different for my oldest daughters.  It wasn't a liberation day at all for them.  It was a day of pain and sadness.  Mind you, my oldest two never wanted to attend their mother's wedding. The thought of that caused anxiety and stress, but I told them that I thought they should go to help their younger siblings.  In my mind, it was very important for them to provide an emotional support structure for each other.  Just because their mom made decisions they don't agree with doesn't mean that they shouldn't pull together to love and support one another.  I think in the end, they will see that it was good counsel.  They were there for each other in a critical moment.

This is so difficult for me to see because I did everything I could to try to avoid this reality for them. My ex had no concept of what she did by taking the course she did.  The repercussions of her decisions are extremely far reaching.

Maybe writing this will help others think about what their own children are going through. Maybe it will help prevent someone from doing something foolish in the future.  Maybe it will bring focus on an issue that needs some attention.  Maybe it's just for me.

I don't know what I can do to reverse all this for my girls.  Honestly only the Lord can compensate for all our losses.  I only say that I am there for my girls.  I do everything I can for them. I call them frequently to see how they're doing and I'm able to counsel with them like never before.  I believe that Heavenly Father is inspiring me on what to say to them.  I love them.

My own mother is here for them too and my father.  They have been amazing through all this.  I think my divorce has carried blessings for us all in the fact that my children have been able to grow much closer to my parents than ever before.

I know that the Lord will raise up mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters for them as they grow and form families of their own, and that somehow, through the atonement, my children will lack for nothing.

What to do on your Ex's Wedding Day

When I found out my ex was getting married I'll have to admit, my heart leapt within in me and my enthusiasm couldn't be contained.  This was going to mean freedom, liberation and of course, no more alimony!

Having said that I knew that I may not get off that easy.  I carefully decided to innoculate myself from any negative feelings by calling my friend Celinda.

"Celinda.  Can you help me throw a party on my exe's wedding day?"

"Oh, heck ya!"  was the reply.  And so it began.  A wonderful night of fun, laughter and great friendship.

If you want to get a party going, you need to get in touch of this awesome lady!

Don't forget the white elephant party!

Add some awesome guests!

Including virtual friends!

Get a place for the kids to hang out!

Raffle yourself off for a lunch date!

Now you're set!  No angst for the past.  Only happy and wonderful memories with fellow travelers.

Thanks so much for your help Celinda Joy Carson and all who came and supported me!

So it's Happening...

So my ex gets married in 4 days to my former neighbor. It will be a couple weeks shy of one year since the divorce was finalized.

Time flies, but it still feels strange and surreal to me that this whole thing happened.  Still thinking how unnecessary the whole thing was.  I do admit, however, that it couldn't go on the way it was and that I'm better off now than I ever was.  My life continues to improve incrementally.  No magic wands, just small steady improvements over time as if a loving Heavenly Father is watching out for me.

I love being with my kids for church on Sundays.  I fought for that.   It's special to me.  The pain comes when I'm driving them back to another town on Sunday night.  I hug each one of them goodbye when I drop them off.  It hurts for me to let them go.  This part is relatively new and it still aches in my bones and it takes awhile to shake off the heaviness in my heart.  I'm usually ok by Monday morning but still...

Good friends and family help soothe my tender feelings.  Thank goodness I have them in spades.

Some interesting things have transpired in my new life since divorce.

1.  I was made a High Priest.
2.  I got a new job and a raise.
3.  I was called to serve in the Stake High Council.
4.  I've made wonderful friends.
5.  I've been able to talk and interact with good single women who have gone through similar trials.  (This gives me hope and comfort to know that maybe I'll be able to find the kind of partner I want and need someday.)

There are still a lot of ups and downs for me but I feel an overarching feeling that the Lord is in charge and that he cares about me.

I'm trying to let him guide me and am trying to take advantage of the experiences he gives me now. I know I can't skip any steps, but that this path is likely to bring me the most joy now, and in the future.

I believe in Him and know that as each one of us examines his or her own life, we will be able to see how the Lord is guiding us along.  There's no worry that we won't make it if we follow those promptings and that guidance that comes from Heaven.  Our path will be sure.  I just know it.

So in conclusion I'll say this:

It will all work out brothers and sisters.  It will all work out.

Onward and upward!

The Spiritual Struggle of Marriage

When I was young I had list of what I wanted in a wife.  I recorded it in my journal.  It was all very idealistic and full of expectations.  When I found my ex wife, I believed that I had found that person. I idealized her and put her on a pedestal.  She was young, innocent, spiritually minded and beautiful. I dreamed about the life we would build together and the memories we would make.

The fact is that we were able to make many good memories and we raised beautiful children together. When it was good, it was good.  When it wasn't...it was challenging.  But the Lord was with us.  He was there to bless our efforts.  He didn't leave us without his support. We could have made it together, but my ex decided it wasn't worth it. She sought for greener pastures. There was nothing I could do to stop it from happening.  I guess I can take solace in the fact that I fought off the adversary for 23 years.  In the end, you can't protect your family if they willing turn away from you. Just can't do it no matter how strong you think you are or how much you try to protect them.

But every marriage conceived in righteousness starts out with the approval and blessing of the Lord.

Each partner in a marriage comes from a different background with different experiences. Each partner has a different personality.  Men and women are different.  Likes and dislikes can be different. Family traditions and practices are different.  With all the differences it's amazing that anyone gets married at all.  This risk of failure is great, and as everyone knows, the divorce rate is very high and with all the freedom we have these days, it's not surprising that many of us are in the divorce boat.  Perhaps in times past it wasn't as easy to get a divorce and people tended to stay together no matter what.  It's different today.

The truth is that we are drawn together as designed by the Lord.  We are meant to get married and have a partner in order to become our best selves and create and help Heavenly Father bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.  We are partners with Him.  The marriage bond for us is a three way covenant between each other and the Lord.

We are meant to cooperate as equals.  We usually start out young and inexperienced with very little of life's resources.  Little by little we begin to grow.  Our family grows with beautiful children, literal spirit children sent down to us by God.  Our economic circumstances improve. If we both stay focused on the Lord, our families begin to blossom and shine.  Our children increase in wisdom and beauty.  The Lord is with us both, inspiring us on how to raise our children, how to bring them up, how to protect and nurture them, how to nurture one another.  It can be beautiful.  It is beautiful.

The problem is that just as Heavenly Father is blessing us and our marriages and our new family unit, Satan is always at work trying to drive a wedge between husbands and wives.  He wants to destroy our eternal families.  He takes advantage of all our differences and all our weaknesses.  He utilizes the natural stress that comes in a marriage because of this mortal life and just will wreak havoc wherever he can.  I believe he is real, and he has many advantages over us in our mortal state.  If we take our eyes off the Savior, Satan will surely cause pain, distress and destruction.  He will laugh as our eternal families are destroyed.

That's what happened in my case.  He won that battle.  You would not have believed how beautiful my family was.  How precious it was.  The spirit was with us to a great degree, but I could not hold it together on my own and I mourn the loss of it.  Will always mourn the loss.

I used to think in my young mind that I could beat Satan.  I was a warrior in body and spirit. Nothing was going to beat me, including him.  The truth that I've learned over time, is that I can't beat Satan. No way. Not on my own. He's got me outgunned. He has way too much intelligence and experience. He also has too many tools and mortal world conditions to work with on his side.  Even my body would betray me if I don't do everything I can to control it.  I can only prevail one way, and that way is to completely rely on the Savior and his atonement to save me.  On my own, I'm too weak.

Before Joseph Smith experienced his first vision with God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ, he was attacked mercilessly by Satan.  He felt like he literally was going to die or be cast off to oblivion. The only way he was delivered was to call unceasingly on the Lord to deliver him.  He couldn't save himself.  The Lord had to intervene and he did.  Great as he was, Joseph was no match for Satan one on one.

Brothers and Sisters, we are no different.  If we don't keep our eye on the Savior, Satan will come and take away even more than he did with our marriages. He will take away our salvation.  You and I may not be in the circumstances we envisioned in our lives, but we haven't lost everything. We can and will rebuild, and for our righteousness we will receive double.  We need to recognize that we are still in a war and that Satan is fighting for our souls.  He wants more slaves to do his bidding.   There is only one defense against him and that is our Savior.  Let us never forget Him.  Let us never forget who we are either as spirit sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father.  If we do, there is not one thing that this world can take away from us that won't be restored to us double and even ten fold.

Let's learn our lesson well here and let's look to God and live.