Dating Tips for LDS Single Ladies!

Back by popular demand, here I am, Brett Nielson, responding to your urgent request for dating tips for LDS ladies from an LDS man's perspective!

What I am about to tell you is classified manly information, and if you tell anyone I told you, I will deny it!   Yet I am solely responsible for the content of this post so I guess I'll have to live with it if my words come to light in the world.

I do so testify that I, Brett Nielson, do accept any blame for this content and do not speak for all members of my sex.

Tip #1:  Stay beautiful!  In other words, look your best.  Don't blame me for this, I didn't create myself or the male gender.  Beautiful women come in all different sizes and flavors.  Different men have different tastes, but we all agree, we love beautiful and attractive women.  So invest in that.  It's worth it.  It makes everyone happy and for gosh sakes please be feminine.  Femininity is highly prized and desired.

Tip #2:  Be strong and independent.  We are looking for equal partners.  At this stage in life, a man needs a woman to work with him and not just look to be taken care of.  Most of us have to pay substantial child support.  Divorce has taken a serious toll on many of us financially and we are rebuilding.  A woman who can work and contribute that way in a partnership is a huge asset and can relieve huge financial stress.  This does not mean we are looking for a woman to support us financially, only to help at this rebuilding phase.

Tip #3:  Support us as men.  A woman who values the role of men as husbands and fathers and appreciates the sacrifices that we make and can express that appreciation to us is like gold.  That kind of validation is so needed and makes us feel like we're worth something.

Tip #4:  Let us pursue you.  I know it's not fair but it's just the way it is.  We are hunters and it works better in our psyche if you let us initiate and pursue you.  It's much more rewarding if we have to work a little.  This does not mean don't encourage us.  Yes please encourage us if you are interested in us.  If you don't give back something, then we will stop pursuing, but let us pursue.  It's your best chance at success at landing one of us for more than one date.

Tip #5:  Don't be too quick with physical affection.  Yes, we do want that very much, but don't just jump into it too quickly.  Make us work a little for it.  We will value it much more if you do.  Also, don't let the physical take precedence over everything or we'll start to lose that loving feeling.  I don't know why, but it just works that way.  Remember, bridle your passion, that you may be filled with love, like the scripture says. This may be surprising to you, but it's true.  If you try to commit a man through the use of the physical or sexual, many just lose interest.  I know this is counter-intuitive but somehow it's just works out that way.  He may be interested in having fun with you but it often doesn't lead to true love or anything long term.  The best chance at finding love is to follow the guidelines set forth by the Lord.  I believe a full expression of love is only found in legal and lawful marriage.  It just is. 

Tip #6:  Men do however, like to be touched.  Back rubs, neck rubs, holding hands, caressing, hugs etc. are all awesome and we love those things. 

Tip #7:   Have fun.  Men like to be active.  We like to bond through fun activities. 

Tip #8: Don't expect us to read your mind.  No, I'm serious.  We'll just disappoint you.  You've got to be direct and concise about your needs and desires.  I know we should get it, but we just don't.  You guys are mysterious, so please use your words.

Tip #9:  Share your spirituality.  A woman's goodness and spirituality are crowning jewels to her and make us admire and even love her.  A woman's testimony and faith provide a wonderful foundation and comfort to a man.  Truly, your faith is inspiring and makes us want to be our best selves.  Do not hide this under a bushel.  Let your light so shine.  Please.

Is there anything else?  Yes, I'm sure there is, but I can't think of anything right now.  Feel free to ask me questions and I'm sure my fellow brothers and I can weigh in.  You can also challenge me to further explanation, I'm happy to do it.  While I am no expert and bumble around in my own dating life, I think these ideas are pretty good.  Take them for what they're worth.

Take care and enjoy life!

Upward and onward my fellow survivors!  

Still a Crazy Sports Dad!

Do you ever get annoyed with parents at sports events?  They are just so gaga over their own kids, like no one else matters out there.  They are so sure that their kid is going to go pro.

Well can I make a confession here?  Sometimes I get a little carried away myself.

The other day I went to watch my 13 year old boy's baseball game.  Remember, his Mom took him 45 minutes away to live, so he has to start all over proving himself to all his coaches.  That's irritating.  My boy is good.  In my mind, he's one of the better athletes.  In fact, I know he is.

So the game starts and my son's team takes the field, except my boy isn't out there.  What??!!  He's not out there?  Ridiculous!  They left him on the bench. Uggh!  You've got to be kidding me.  I put on my patient face and just wait.

The next inning they do put him on the field.  Thank goodness! I start to relax,  Later, when he first comes up to bat I'm excited and a little nervous for him.  I want him to do well.  He's the first batter up that inning. The coach gives him the signal of what he wants him to do.  He steps up to the plate and lays out his bat to bunt the ball on the first pitch.  What???!!!!  A bunt when he's the first batter and no one else is on base?  Why??  I feel myself starting to get irritated again.  I don't like that call at all.  But my boy is a good soldier and he lays down a perfect bunt on the second pitch.  It's perfect, but not quite perfect enough.  It goes up the first base line.  He sprints forward, but the pitcher grabs the ball and narrowly throws him out at first.  What a waste! Don't they know my boy can hit?  Geez!

The next at bat, my son gets walked. Okay.  I watch him steal second, then third,  They hold him at third on the next few pitches but he keeps threatening to steal home.  Finally, on a wild pitch, he books it home and scores.  Everyone cheers.  Yes!!! That was a gutsy play!  I love it.  You can't keep a Nielson down I say under my breath, secretly exulting.

Later he is out playing center field.  The opposing batter steps up to the plate and strokes a nice one out far.  My boy is all over it.  I see him running forward to position himself for the catch, and he does catch it. Inning over.  It's perfect!  In a burst of energy, I find myself jumping up and down in the bleachers pumping my fists in the air. "That's my boy! That's my boy!" I hear myself shouting.  The other parents look over at an over exuberant Dad jumping up and down and yelling.  I barely notice. Subconsciously, I want everyone to know my boy is good and shouldn't be overlooked.  I feel that old competitive spirit churning just like it used to when I played sports.  Later, I sense I overreacted with the jumping and the yelling thing, but oh well.

After the game, I'm walking back to the car with my son.

"What was that you were yelling Dad?  When I made that catch?"

"Oh, you heard that? Was I yelling that loud?"

"I kind of heard it.  What where you saying?"

"Well, I think I said something like, 'That's my boy!  That's my boy!' "

"Oh ya,  That's what I though you said."

We turn the corner to get to the car and I see a big grin steal over his young face.  Then I feel a big grin stealing over mine as well.  Nothing like sharing a moment with your own flesh and blood.  He's a Nielson and he's a part of me. Always will be and that's a fact.

I may be an overactive sports Dad, but I guess sometimes being an overactive sports Dad has it's perks.

Upward and onward!

Love you guys!

Crisis of Faith: Why my Divorce didn't Destroy Mine.

When divorce happens, it is devastating to those involved.  I never really understood anything about it until I went through it myself.  Because of the emotional trauma divorced people go through, many find it difficult it to stay faithful to their religious beliefs, and many more suffer because of the negative judgments of people in their church congregations and communities.  What's more is that many feel abandoned by their friends and even sometimes their families.  They feel anger, sadness, shame and a whole plethora of negative emotions.  Many may follow this train of thought: "If God knows everything, why did he let me walk into that marriage?  Didn't he care about me and my happiness? Why did he let me suffer like that? There must not be a God, or if there is, he surely doesn't love me."

When I was young, I was very spiritually minded.  God gave me, I believe, a gift of the spirit.  When I heard the word of God spoken, the power and truth in the words sunk down deep into my heart.  I had a curious mind and wanted to know everything I could about the truth and the meaning of life. The messages shared at church gave me many of those answers and made me feel alive.  I didn't believe I was alone in the universe.  I just knew that God loved me and had a mission for me to complete. Believing in God made me feel special and unique.  It still does.

As I grew older, my simple child like faith began to be tested.  It was hard sometimes as a Mormon kid growing up in a minority religion in states like Ohio and Georgia.  I caught flack because I wouldn't engage in the drinking, partying culture of high school.  My way of living seemed to be so opposite of what the majority of kids were doing.  It was tough to feel so different from everyone, like an outcast.  Fortunately, I still made many friends who weren't into that lifestyle either and they came from many different faith backgrounds.  I still cherish those friendships and will never forget them.

Some of the biggest trials of faith came because of circumstances I could not control.  In high school, for example,  I became very ill, and to had to give up my celebrated sports career.  This devastated me at the time. A lot of my self worth was packed into being a great athlete and I had enjoyed good success up through my 10th grade year. When I had my health taken away from me, it felt like an unjust punishment.  What had I done to deserve it?  I questioned God on a daily basis. Why wouldn't he step in for me?  I went over it time and time again in my mind, trying to understand it, trying to negotiate with God over my condition.  I couldn't get him to change his mind, but he opened other doors for me.  Only later did I begin to understand what a great blessing it was for me to go through that experience and how I was blessed to spend time with and get to know other wonderful people who I wouldn't have had a chance to know otherwise.

Later as a 19 year old, while serving as an LDS mission in Ecuador, I continued to suffer health wise and I was extremely disillusioned about how things were run in my mission organization.  I felt extremely let down by people who I wanted and needed to look up to. I was shocked and saddened on many occasions and God still wouldn't intervene and restore my health to me.  It affected me so much that I felt that he had abandoned me.  It caused me to really question my faith, first in my leaders, then in God.  I just couldn't work it out in my mind and to this day it was the closest I ever came to losing my faith.  It took several years after the mission experience to fully heal and have my faith restored.

So why do I tell you these very old struggles of mine? I think it is to make this point. I've had many different trials of faith since then, the most recent being the loss of a marriage and the separation from having my children live with me full time. The difficult marriage and the divorce itself caused me the sharpest pain that I've ever felt,  but when that challenge came, I was ready.  My faith had already become established.  Because of what I suffered before in life, and how the Lord helped me to overcome those things, I knew that I would be given the strength to handle this too. I realize that God doesn't look at challenges and difficulties the way that we do.  In our limited understanding, we would spare ourselves of all pain and discomfort.  God knows what's best for us and he allows us to experience these things to give us an opportunity to learn his lessons and to become better and better.

True faith can never go unchallenged.  What is faith if it is never proven?  If it is never tested by the fire of affliction, the weakness of flesh, the ridicule of peers or life's injustices, then how do we even know that we have faith?  What is our faith if our life is all about having an easy time with no obstacles?  Faith would be only an abstract idea.  We would never really know ourselves and what we are made of and what we are capable of becoming.  It would be like living in the Garden of Eden. Everything would be easy, but there would be no growth.  We need opposition to grow.  Just like an athlete uses weights to help his muscles grow, trials and difficulties are what God uses to build our spiritual muscles.  What we as human beings need to understand is that there is a plan for each one of us, a personal training program designed by God to bring us back to his presence better than we were when we left him, but we have to be willing to drink of the bitter cup and not become bitter ourselves.  If we can do that, and we submit to his will, he refines us and burns out our impurities. He prepares us little by little to be more like him.  He will give us joy, and our joy will be heightened because we have experienced the opposite.  Eventually, our joy will be full.

If we want to be be healed from our wounds and all our sorrow, we must turn to God and live. Healing is a process and takes time, but we have the power to shorten that time significantly if we just allow the Holy Spirit to work in us.  It's all about doing the little things like going to church even if we don't feel like it, praying sincerely, listening to the voice of the Lord when it speaks to us, studying the word of God, serving others.  Those things are what allows God to work in our lives and heal us much quicker than we could ever do by ourselves.  That's the power of grace and the atonement.

At least now, after all I've been through, I know my faith is real.  God already knew me, but now I know myself better.  I'm sure I'll have more trials in my future, but please excuse me if I don't focus on them now.  I'm busy healing and I believe that my future looks bright!

Onward and upward my brothers and sisters!

Looking for the One

Okay guys, it's been a long time now since I been writing this blog.  Those of you who've followed me on my journey here, have witnessed me take many steps, sometimes painful ones, towards healing.   I'm honestly in a good place now for the most part emotionally.  I've dealt with many demons and I'm still standing.  I have hope and I have no doubt that I will completely rebuild my life, except this time I will build it better than I did before. Because I've experienced plenty of pain along this life journey, I will be prepared to receive greater joy.  This joy will include a new partner.  I know my joy cannot be complete without one.  I also know that  having that partner is essential to my eternal destiny.

But herein lies the challenge.  I cannot exactly control this process.  Oh sure, I could run out and find someone who would agree to marry, but I'm not just looking for just anyone.  I've already seen what can happen in an unhappy marriage.  I will do my best this time to pick better.  I do not regret marrying my first wife despite all that happened, but I would never wish to repeat the experience. This time I marry for real.  The practice marriage I had is everlastingly over.  The new eternal one is yet to be discovered.

Perhaps I'm not ready for marriage yet.  Most likely the timing is not yet right.  It's got to happen on its' own time.  I don't believe in rushing it or forcing things to happen.  As I tell everyone, I would rather be single by far than to make a poor choice.. Ultimately you can only prepare yourself for the opportunity. You have to be ready when that time comes, when your preparation meets an equal preparation on the part of the other person.

What I fear in the mean time is that I will hurt someone or that I will be hurt, and that is absolutely the last thing I ever want.  I guess that's just part of my personality.  I'm the feeling type to the core. So being in this stage of life carries a little bit of unease.  One of the benefits of marriage is that you get to be out of all that fuzzy, foggy dating reality.  That's why many people tend to be much more productive married.  They no longer have to look and risk.  It provides a stability like nothing else, if the relationship is healthy.

So what does all this mean for me now?  I know I can't live my life being afraid to risk something. I've never been the type to just sit and wait for something good to happen.  That's just passive and passive is not me.  I would rather act than be acted upon.   I may not be able to completely control what happens but I have to be out there doing something  For me, that's a hundred times healthier than the alternative.  Meeting potential partners is just an attempt to find the right match.   It's a good thing, a positive thing.  It's a learning experience.  It's prep work.

When you date someone, you subconsciously agree to open yourself to explore and see if feelings could develop that could lead to something more. You both are putting yourself out there and you could both be hurt. That's just the system we're in and there's nothing we can do about it.  If we don't like it, I guess we don't have to participate, or we could hire someone to do all the thinking for us.  In my experience, that's just not Heavenly Father's plan.  He calculates everything to be a growth experience.  Love grows more with the existence of opposition.

I believe that Heavenly Father puts people in our paths in life so that we can help each other learn and grow.  He doesn't throw our future mates to us everyday.  Maybe he has purposes to accomplish with us in knowing others leading up to the one we will eventually be with.  I think the key is to not worry too much about it and let the Lord take the lead.  The mistake would be, however, to never get into the game, to sit on the sidelines waiting for divine intervention.  That may work for some of us, but I think if I told the Lord I was just going to wait till he sent me that right person, he would just look at me, smile a little, and shake his head.  "That's not how we play this game son.  You know that."  Oh snap!  He got me again!

Whose to say that the Lord isn't leading me right this very second in my dating life, helping me get prepared, accomplishing other purposes in the mean time through my relationships and more?  And I suppose that when I'm finally good and ready, she'll show up and I'll know it.

Just some food for thought for you all.  :)  I hope all is well.




Good night!

Looking Back on It: Was it a Mistake?

You know you have to ask the question....  You think you know the answer,  but you need to vet it. You need to make sure. You need to understand yourself.  You need to understand your own life.... Darn veil we have down here!  Don't know anything.  Bumble around bumping into things, trying to build and watching our sand castles get knocked over time after time.  It's a risky, messy and beautiful life, making marks on our spirits and our bodies at the same time.

The truth is that nothing we build in the worldly way lasts anyway and the pain we suffer down here is acute but temporary.  All that matters is the essence inside our souls, and the love we have for Heavenly Father and the others who are on our journey with us.  It's a spiritual world at the core, building future Gods if we want to pursue that.

Was marrying that girl a mistake?  I guess you could say so if you are only looking at a short period of time in a mortal life.   If you look with a narrow focus of a life span 80 to 90 years,  23 years was a big chunk of wasted time.  What could I have done or accomplished in 23 years without that anchor and failure?  Gained more worldly success?  What did I really gain?  What did I really lose?  What was the cost/benefit ratio?

Tonight I'm feeling that I gained much.  The experiences I had over those 23 years have embedded themselves upon my soul.  They gave me an opportunity to lay it all on the line for the Lord.  They gave me a chance to prove to myself that I was willing to go to the end.  The 23 years were not all bad. There were periods of great peace and joy.  The Lord worked with me through my trials.  I met and loved and impacted and was impacted by beautiful people who I never would have met but through my marriage. Through it I have come closer to being my best self.

As for the promises I made to my former spouse both in this life and I believe even in my pre-mortal life, I have kept. I left nothing undone.  I made every effort to ensure the eventual realization of the blessings promised in the temple to all worthy couples through their faithfulness.  I carry no guilt with me other than understanding that I was an imperfect being and could not act as the Savior at all times.  When I didn't, I acknowledged it and did my best to repair and rebuild.  In the end, there was nothing more I could do.

I have now entered a different life, a different season.  My path is bright before my feet, but I can see only a little way ahead, not very far at all.  At least I have the assurance that the light goes before me and that I am being led and influenced by something greater than myself.  I wait upon the Lord to rebuild, remold, to restore me.  I know he is in the process even as I write.

My marriage was not a mistake. In the end it was a glorious and divine tutorial, full of hope, pain, and love.  I wrap it up neatly and present it to God and lay it upon his altar, to be consecrated to my gain and to the gain of my children and to the gain of anyone who may be touched by its' tragic beauty. May it serve to instruct, inspire, heal, or lift any of my brothers and sisters in any way the Lord sees fit to use it.  Someday I may combine these writings and more into a book, a book that will hopefully benefit my brothers and sisters whom I love.

Sincerely,



Your Brother

Remembering My Family

After my last post I thought I had finished writing here.  I felt that I had I had come to the end of a phase or a chapter in my life, and in truth I think that I did come to that.  Maybe my epiphanies are not happening in rapid fire succession like they were before.  That is to be expected.  We have different phases of life and the Lord teaches us what we need to know at just precisely the right time and in just the right way for us.  I believe it is all calculated to bring about the greatest growth possible in the shortest amount of time.  We are given just as much as we are able to handle, here a little, there a little.  Little packets of knowledge and understanding come to us as needed.  That is how the Lord has always worked with me.  I think he works with everyone in a similar way though he may use different methods to accomplish his purposes.

I was in Denver on business last Thursday.  It was my birthday and I was looking forward to getting home.  I was filling up the tank of my rental car just outside the airport.  It was a little chilly and I wanted to get back in my car as soon as possible.  Just then, my cell phone started to vibrate and I looked down and saw a number I didn't recognize.  I answered.  On the line I heard a wonderful pair of voices singing me the "Las Mananitas" birthday song from Mexico.  If you don't speak Spanish here's the translation for you.

"These are the morning songs
 just like the ones that King David used to sing
 to all the lovely young maidens
 and because it is your birthday
we will now sing them to you.

Wake up my dear.  Wake up.
Look, the sun is already shining.
 The birds are singing happily their songs
and the moon in now hidden from our sight."

Happy Birthday to you!  Etc. Etc.

For the last 24 years, that is the song that my former father in law has sung to me in Spanish, only to me he is still my father in law.  He still tells me that I am his "Number 1" his "Numero Uno."  I was his first son in law.  I married his oldest daughter.  I have a whole other blog that came before this one where I tell my whole courtship story.  If you ever want to see what my former life was about, you can read it.  Just let me know and I'll send you the link.

While I was driving today, I felt a little tug on my heart to reach out to one of my former sister in laws.
"You need to talk to her about life in general and also about her relationship with her sister, your ex."  That was the feeling I had in my heart, so I listened and I called her.  We talked for about 45 minutes about a lot of things including her relationship with her sister, my ex wife.  After the talk was almost complete,  She told me how she had been crying just yesterday about what happened to our marriage and about losing me as a brother in law.  I was surprised and very moved.  I promised that I would be over to visit her and the family soon.  She told me that her mom would appreciate a phone call from me as well, that she was hurt that I hadn't communicated.

So I called her too.  She also was loving and caring towards me.  She was very encouraging as well and told me how I would completely heal in time and that she was so sorry for what happened between her daughter and me.  She told me that I was a kind and good man and a great father for my children.  She told me not to speak ill for the sake of the children.  She told me about all that had been going on in her life.  I apologized for not being in touch with her much since the divorce and that I still loved and cared for her.  I will now reach out to the rest of the in laws.

You know.  I still love them all.  They were very much a part of my life for 23 years.  There are countless experiences and memories that I have with them.  I saw them each as unique and special. Of course I saw their challenges and they saw mine, but we all loved each other.  I did my best to care for them.  I am so touched that they still value me and haven't forgotten me.

I know that not everyone's situation is the same as mine.  Not all in laws are so kind or believe us, but you know what?  We are not the only ones hurt by our divorces.  Our former extended families many times are heart broken too and just don't know how to reach out to us.  The time is coming when the Lord will prompt us to reach back out to them in his own time and in his own way.  Maybe at the right time, those relationships can be healed, at least with certain individuals.  We should take those opportunities as we are moved upon by the Holy Ghost.  Healing those breaches are also part of our own healing.

You know, relationships and the love we possess, are  a couple of examples of the very few things we can take with us when we leave this world.  On the other side, nothing else matters.  The same thing can be said of our existence in this world if the truth be told.  Faith, Hope and Charity.  Of these three Charity is the greatest, the pure love of Christ.  It never faileth.

May we all look for ways to build up the broken relationships surrounding our broken marriages. The Lord will show us the way.  As we heal our relationships, we heal our spirits.  It may not be an easy road, but if we seek to know our Father's will, he just may lead us to reestablish  and rebuild bridges that have been washed out.  Who knows?  We just need to be open enough to listen when he makes his will known to us.

Bless you brothers and sisters.  May we all feel the love of this Christmas season!  Love you all!

Turning Point

Well, a little more than a year has passed since my life was upended and I embarked on this new journey of discovery and learning.  It feels like this year has been packed with more experience and growth than any I can remember.  It feels like I've been through a crucible of sorts and I've gone through epiphany after epiphany to lead me to a much better country.

After I wrote my last post I had a feeling that something had changed, something had ended, or was different, as if I had completed a chapter.  I think I have.  I have processed so much.  I feel as though I have reset my life and now I'm poised to begin something new.  As I was talking to a good friend about this, she all of the sudden chimed in.

"You know what?  I think you've gone through the whole cycle of grief!"

"What?!"

"Ya.  You've gone through it. You've gone from denial to anger to sadness to acceptance to hope."

"Really?!"

"Yes.  Don't you see?"

Oh my gosh!  She's right again.  I really have gone through all those stages and didn't even realize it until she pointed it out, but it's all chronicled right here on the pages of this blog.  From the beginning to the last post, you can see my transformation from anguish to peace.  It's absolutely amazing.

I thought about writing more here.  I tried the other day to write something funny about dating or the search for a new partner, but I just couldn't.  That's not what this blog is about.  This blog is dedicated to healing.  The messages and the epiphanies in this blog are sacred and they show one man's journey to healing through the atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

Oh I know.  My healing is not yet complete.  I have more to learn.  Of course that is true, but my foundation is laid and I am building more and more each day.  I know I'll continue to have trials in life. I'll most likely cry again, but that's not what I'm focused on.  I'm focused on the Savior and moving forward.  I want to take my remaining days to use and dedicate to the Lord and helping my fellow man.

This blog was an attempt to turn something bitter into something sweet.  I feel that I have succeeded. The comments that I have received from family and friends have been so impactful and humbling and I am forever a better person because of my association with all of you.

I think I will give this blog a rest for a little while.  It may be that I find something new to write on this topic.  Maybe I'll start a new blog recording my new adventures.  I'm really not sure yet.  What I do know is that I'm so glad that I wrote this and I'm so glad that I'm traveling on the same road as you.

Let's keep it moving forward my friends.  We can do it and we'll never give up.