I am a very motivated person by nature. When I was young I relished the opportunity to participate in sports and experienced some great success. I was driven and competitive. In my adult life, I'm a salesman. I carry a quota. I'm compensated on how I perform against a goal. I have lots of interests and am always trying to find a new niche to be successful in. I'm always pushing myself to achieve something more.
But what is it that I'm actually striving for? How will I know when I'm truly successful?
If I look at myself in the worldly way, my record is mixed. I've had some successes and some serious setbacks, and to be honest, my setbacks have come in the areas that I most desperately wanted to succeed in.
Here are some examples:
1. Sports career: Ended for health reasons in the 10th grade. Never able to reach my full potential.
2. Mission. Was sick the whole time and experienced serious challenges to my faith and testimony.
3. Marriage. Ended in divorce after 23 years and six children.
I could go on about my setbacks but I don't want to. How would it help? If I look again at those same setbacks I can find enormous success..
1. Sports Career. Learned to drive forward to reach difficult goals. Learned the value of teamwork.
2. Mission. Learned compassion and love for different kinds of people. Learned to not be so hard on myself.
3. Marriage. Became a father of 6 incredible human beings who have brought great love and joy to my life.
How would you judge my success based on these observations?
Well, if you look at what I value most which is my relationship with God, my family, and my own consistent progress, I can say I have done well. I am, what I would consider, a success.
When I look around me, there will always be people who seem to be more successful. They may be more financially rewarded, they may be better tennis players, they may have solid and loving marriages, they may have this and that and the list could go on and on.
The conditions on this earth are never exactly the same for any of us. We have our own unique personalities, our own unique strengths and weaknesses. Also, our opportunities vary as well.
Here's another example:
There are two salesmen that work for ABC company. Salesman #1 has an incredible year. He blows out his number. Salesman #2 works hard but comes up short, 5% below his number for that same year. Does logic dictate that salesman #1 is automatically more successful? Not necessarily. A lot has to do with circumstances, individual conditions in their territories, funding etc. etc.
What really counts for us as it relates to true success is what we do with what we are given. That's what the Lord will judge us on. What did I do with the hand I've been dealt? We each have opportunities no matter what setbacks we have suffered. What are we going to do now with those opportunities?
In many ways, divorce from a difficult and painful marriage is in reality, a fantastic opportunity to reinvent, rebuild, and to do things we could never do before.
Would I have ever have written this blog if it weren't for my divorce? Would I have ever met the hundreds of beautiful people I've met now, if I had stayed in my difficult marriage? The answer is no and the real truth is that I am successful and so are you if you choose to see it and you choose to make it a reality.
Let's make it a reality. Define what is truly important and go for it. There is no question that we will all be successful.
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
Saturday, March 19, 2016
My Growing Satisfaction Since Life Turned
So what else have I learned from my experiences so far post divorce?
A lot.
It's been about 2 and half years now since the divorce. I must say that I'm in a much more peaceful place than before. I'm healthier physically, more at peace emotionally, recovered significantly financially from the trauma suffered. A little time has been my friend. I look back and feel good about how far I've come. I can take a sigh of relief and congratulate myself and thank Heavenly Father for His tender mercies. I'm doing as well as can be expected. I can respect myself. Miles have been traversed.
I used to look at others and see how successful their lives appeared to be. They seemed to float along with no opposition while I was always struggling with so many challenges. "So much more opportunity and reward" I would think to myself. "Why not me?" The red in me drives me on. I was born with it. It's a good thing. But what I've come to realize is that despite all my temporary losses, I've done my best with the opportunities that I've been given. I've made the most of them. That is the definition of success for me. All our circumstances and opportunities are different. That's just the way it is.
One circumstance is that I'm single. There is nothing wrong with being single. It's just not where I want to stay ultimately. I still feel the missing piece of the puzzle since my divorce, but my concept of time and timing has expanded. The urgency has tapered off. My kids have to be considered strongly in the equation. A favorable set of circumstances must be brought into alignment in order for me to have a companion again. All I can do is prepare and wait upon the Lord. I believe he will help me, that he is helping me. I am doing my part. I am not passive. My kids are preparing also. They have adjusted to their lives as children with parents living separately. They are open. They are resilient. When things are right, we will be ready.
I thought for awhile that I couldn't love again, that I would be riding on an endless carousel of meetings but never be able to love or deepen my relationships. I've since learned that there is nothing wrong with my heart.
People ask me why I'm not married already, why I don't have someone. "Surely you're a unicorn!" they say, a divorced LDS man that is still on the path "That's rare" they tell me. "You can have your pick" they tell me. "The odds are all in your favor" they tell me. "You are just too picky."
Well it's not all as easy as they think. I'm a thoughtful one, not given to rushing. I'm also cautious. I've gone through the ultimate rejection. I choose to reject that rejection. It will not define me nor will it stop me from loving again, but it will make me more cautious and more observant than ever I was before. I have a lifetime of experience now and I will use it. I'm interested in something that will last. I'll be darned if I will accept being underappreciated or disrespected again. I have a radar to it now.
In the meantime I work and I raise my kids. I play tennis. I go dancing. I fulfill my callings. I say my prayers. I try to help those around me. I live a productive life.
I will say that as a single man, I don't stay home. I actively date and go to social events. Staying home would be the death of me. I'm not made that way. When I go to these events I don't think about meeting my future wife too much there. I go to have fun and to enrich my life with friends and experiences. I have a choice. If I'm lucky enough to meet someone I'm interested in, I'll pursue it. But for me, to willingly deny myself of these experiences would only depress me and leave me more open to temptation and my own weaknesses. I refuse to do that. It's a part of my life that needs to be nourished just as my physical body needs to be nourished and my spirit needs to be nourished. I believe it is what the Lord expects.
What about you my brothers and sisters? Are you growing as well? Please respond and let us all know. How long has it been and how have you grown since your life turned?
Blessings to all! Upward and onward!
A lot.
It's been about 2 and half years now since the divorce. I must say that I'm in a much more peaceful place than before. I'm healthier physically, more at peace emotionally, recovered significantly financially from the trauma suffered. A little time has been my friend. I look back and feel good about how far I've come. I can take a sigh of relief and congratulate myself and thank Heavenly Father for His tender mercies. I'm doing as well as can be expected. I can respect myself. Miles have been traversed.
I used to look at others and see how successful their lives appeared to be. They seemed to float along with no opposition while I was always struggling with so many challenges. "So much more opportunity and reward" I would think to myself. "Why not me?" The red in me drives me on. I was born with it. It's a good thing. But what I've come to realize is that despite all my temporary losses, I've done my best with the opportunities that I've been given. I've made the most of them. That is the definition of success for me. All our circumstances and opportunities are different. That's just the way it is.
One circumstance is that I'm single. There is nothing wrong with being single. It's just not where I want to stay ultimately. I still feel the missing piece of the puzzle since my divorce, but my concept of time and timing has expanded. The urgency has tapered off. My kids have to be considered strongly in the equation. A favorable set of circumstances must be brought into alignment in order for me to have a companion again. All I can do is prepare and wait upon the Lord. I believe he will help me, that he is helping me. I am doing my part. I am not passive. My kids are preparing also. They have adjusted to their lives as children with parents living separately. They are open. They are resilient. When things are right, we will be ready.
I thought for awhile that I couldn't love again, that I would be riding on an endless carousel of meetings but never be able to love or deepen my relationships. I've since learned that there is nothing wrong with my heart.
People ask me why I'm not married already, why I don't have someone. "Surely you're a unicorn!" they say, a divorced LDS man that is still on the path "That's rare" they tell me. "You can have your pick" they tell me. "The odds are all in your favor" they tell me. "You are just too picky."
Well it's not all as easy as they think. I'm a thoughtful one, not given to rushing. I'm also cautious. I've gone through the ultimate rejection. I choose to reject that rejection. It will not define me nor will it stop me from loving again, but it will make me more cautious and more observant than ever I was before. I have a lifetime of experience now and I will use it. I'm interested in something that will last. I'll be darned if I will accept being underappreciated or disrespected again. I have a radar to it now.
In the meantime I work and I raise my kids. I play tennis. I go dancing. I fulfill my callings. I say my prayers. I try to help those around me. I live a productive life.
I will say that as a single man, I don't stay home. I actively date and go to social events. Staying home would be the death of me. I'm not made that way. When I go to these events I don't think about meeting my future wife too much there. I go to have fun and to enrich my life with friends and experiences. I have a choice. If I'm lucky enough to meet someone I'm interested in, I'll pursue it. But for me, to willingly deny myself of these experiences would only depress me and leave me more open to temptation and my own weaknesses. I refuse to do that. It's a part of my life that needs to be nourished just as my physical body needs to be nourished and my spirit needs to be nourished. I believe it is what the Lord expects.
What about you my brothers and sisters? Are you growing as well? Please respond and let us all know. How long has it been and how have you grown since your life turned?
Blessings to all! Upward and onward!
Saturday, November 14, 2015
My first Lessons from Dating in My Second Life
It's been several months since I've written in this blog. Sometimes I forget how cathartic writing can be, how it can be a source of comfort and revelation in and of itself. So as my journey continues on this planet, I'll write here again periodically and I'll share it. I'll keep learning and perhaps others can make connections and realizations and grow along with me. We are all on this path of progression. We are all brothers and sisters experiencing feelings common to the human condition. We are all on the pathway back to God, so should we not share and help each other along? I think so.
Time keeps passing and nothing can slow it down. Change is inevitable. 25 years ago I came to a major transition in life. I left the world of young singlehood and became a husband. I accepted that I would no longer search, no longer flirt, no longer play with anyone of the opposite sex other than my new wife. I made that transition, and I believe that I made it well. My identity grew and I grew because I accepted and embraced the new responsibilities that married life brought to me. I became a father and my responsibilities grew ten fold. The load, though heavy, only developed me inside. I changed, I believe, into something better than I was before, more developed as an individual, stronger and more capable, also more understanding, more loving.
When a new role, such as becoming a husband and father becomes incorporated into you, it grafts itself into your very fibers and weaves itself into your DNA, so when that role gets interrupted, such as is my case with divorce, it is a great shock to the system. Suddenly you are asked to change again, to deal with something that you thought was a closed chapter. You are faced with embracing parts of your personality that haven't been seen in years.
When my divorce was final, two years ago, like many other men, I immediately started dating. I know the rule is to go slow with these things, but there was a huge gaping hole in my life, and I wanted to fill it up immediately. I saw no value in me being alone. I didn't see the good that could come from it or how it could teach me and develop me. After experiencing the acute loss of love from a spouse, I wanted and needed and still do need love. So I didn't hesitate to search for it. Remember, I'm a salesman by profession. I'm not afraid to prospect.
I very quickly found someone who I had known before, and I reached out to her. I was very pleasantly surprised when she accepted my friendship and was also open to something more. I can't tell you how nice it was to feel appreciated again and to share a romantic feeling. It had been a long time since the estrangement from my former wife began. I hadn't experienced any of those loving feelings for a long time. At first it was strange to even touch another woman that wasn't my spouse after all those years of marriage. I was awkward and I didn't know what to do or how to proceed. That soon melted away as soon as I got near her. Oh ya! I remember this. This is easy! This is nice! I could get used to it!
Soon we were talking on the phone every day, texting, flirting, etc. It was wonderful. I was getting that high again that I got all those years ago when I was courting my ex. Yep. It was a good boost to my self image for me to see that an attractive woman could appreciate me and see in me, some value. In a difficult marriage, I had managed to find validation for myself when I wasn't getting any from my spouse. I'll admit, however, it feels absolutely wonderful to receive that from someone of the opposite sex that you are interested in. There's nothing like that.
One thing I noticed during this time was that I found myself acting like a husband again, at least in my own mind. Unconsciously I began reassuming my old role, the role that I had played for 23 years. I had not yet made the emotional transition from being married to being single. If I've learned anything through all my experience is that time is needed to make transitions and we need to make those transitions a little bit at a time and not all in one fell swoop. That's how it works. Overload yourself with transitions you are not ready for and you will end up in the same poor position as before only compounded. That's why we see lots of second marriages crash. I'm hoping to avoid that if I can.
So, as intense as I felt for a time, I realized after a few months, that I was in no condition to continue. I had not dated or gotten to know any other women. I still didn't know myself and what was best for me as a single person. I had not taken the time to heal. I still had much hurt and anger toward my former spouse. How would that ever be of benefit to a new woman in my life? It would be unfair to her to have to deal with it. Also, would it be good for my children, after seeing their mom immediately jump into a relationship with a former neighbor, to then watch their dad jump into a relationship too, as if my marriage to their mom had never mattered at all? No way. No way.
Children are resilient, but mine were hurting just as much as I was, especially my daughters, one of which was out of the country serving a mission for the church. I couldn't be practically married when she returned home. I can just see it. "Welcome home my beautiful daughter. Your mom and I are divorced now since you left and by the way we are both marrying other people and all while you were out of the country serving the Lord and teaching people about eternal families. Surprise!"
No, no. I needed to be there for my daughter when she got home. I needed to help her transition herself from all the enormous changes she was going through at the time. I needed to prepare both of my oldest daughters for their marriages that just took place this past summer. This was critical time, crucial time and I would not fail in my responsibility and I had to do it alone. It could work no other way without hurting my girls more and this was something I was not willing to do.
So I had to recuse myself from that first transitional relationship. I was not ready to proceed forward although I thought I wanted to for awhile. I was not ready and neither were any of my children. That didn't make it easy on me. The heart wants what it wants, but there is time for everything, and if you are wise, you will proceed with caution and let the Lord lead the way. However long it takes, all things work out for the best for those who love Him.
So that was my first experience with dating in my second life. I feel like I've come many miles since then and learned many more lessons that perhaps I'll share in the future as I feel guided or prompted. I hope that some of this makes sense or resonates with those of you who may stumble across this blog. I am a big believer of great things coming for all of us but I also believe that all things have their proper time.
Thanks for listening my friends. Upward and onward!
Time keeps passing and nothing can slow it down. Change is inevitable. 25 years ago I came to a major transition in life. I left the world of young singlehood and became a husband. I accepted that I would no longer search, no longer flirt, no longer play with anyone of the opposite sex other than my new wife. I made that transition, and I believe that I made it well. My identity grew and I grew because I accepted and embraced the new responsibilities that married life brought to me. I became a father and my responsibilities grew ten fold. The load, though heavy, only developed me inside. I changed, I believe, into something better than I was before, more developed as an individual, stronger and more capable, also more understanding, more loving.
When a new role, such as becoming a husband and father becomes incorporated into you, it grafts itself into your very fibers and weaves itself into your DNA, so when that role gets interrupted, such as is my case with divorce, it is a great shock to the system. Suddenly you are asked to change again, to deal with something that you thought was a closed chapter. You are faced with embracing parts of your personality that haven't been seen in years.
When my divorce was final, two years ago, like many other men, I immediately started dating. I know the rule is to go slow with these things, but there was a huge gaping hole in my life, and I wanted to fill it up immediately. I saw no value in me being alone. I didn't see the good that could come from it or how it could teach me and develop me. After experiencing the acute loss of love from a spouse, I wanted and needed and still do need love. So I didn't hesitate to search for it. Remember, I'm a salesman by profession. I'm not afraid to prospect.
I very quickly found someone who I had known before, and I reached out to her. I was very pleasantly surprised when she accepted my friendship and was also open to something more. I can't tell you how nice it was to feel appreciated again and to share a romantic feeling. It had been a long time since the estrangement from my former wife began. I hadn't experienced any of those loving feelings for a long time. At first it was strange to even touch another woman that wasn't my spouse after all those years of marriage. I was awkward and I didn't know what to do or how to proceed. That soon melted away as soon as I got near her. Oh ya! I remember this. This is easy! This is nice! I could get used to it!
Soon we were talking on the phone every day, texting, flirting, etc. It was wonderful. I was getting that high again that I got all those years ago when I was courting my ex. Yep. It was a good boost to my self image for me to see that an attractive woman could appreciate me and see in me, some value. In a difficult marriage, I had managed to find validation for myself when I wasn't getting any from my spouse. I'll admit, however, it feels absolutely wonderful to receive that from someone of the opposite sex that you are interested in. There's nothing like that.
One thing I noticed during this time was that I found myself acting like a husband again, at least in my own mind. Unconsciously I began reassuming my old role, the role that I had played for 23 years. I had not yet made the emotional transition from being married to being single. If I've learned anything through all my experience is that time is needed to make transitions and we need to make those transitions a little bit at a time and not all in one fell swoop. That's how it works. Overload yourself with transitions you are not ready for and you will end up in the same poor position as before only compounded. That's why we see lots of second marriages crash. I'm hoping to avoid that if I can.
So, as intense as I felt for a time, I realized after a few months, that I was in no condition to continue. I had not dated or gotten to know any other women. I still didn't know myself and what was best for me as a single person. I had not taken the time to heal. I still had much hurt and anger toward my former spouse. How would that ever be of benefit to a new woman in my life? It would be unfair to her to have to deal with it. Also, would it be good for my children, after seeing their mom immediately jump into a relationship with a former neighbor, to then watch their dad jump into a relationship too, as if my marriage to their mom had never mattered at all? No way. No way.
Children are resilient, but mine were hurting just as much as I was, especially my daughters, one of which was out of the country serving a mission for the church. I couldn't be practically married when she returned home. I can just see it. "Welcome home my beautiful daughter. Your mom and I are divorced now since you left and by the way we are both marrying other people and all while you were out of the country serving the Lord and teaching people about eternal families. Surprise!"
No, no. I needed to be there for my daughter when she got home. I needed to help her transition herself from all the enormous changes she was going through at the time. I needed to prepare both of my oldest daughters for their marriages that just took place this past summer. This was critical time, crucial time and I would not fail in my responsibility and I had to do it alone. It could work no other way without hurting my girls more and this was something I was not willing to do.
So I had to recuse myself from that first transitional relationship. I was not ready to proceed forward although I thought I wanted to for awhile. I was not ready and neither were any of my children. That didn't make it easy on me. The heart wants what it wants, but there is time for everything, and if you are wise, you will proceed with caution and let the Lord lead the way. However long it takes, all things work out for the best for those who love Him.
So that was my first experience with dating in my second life. I feel like I've come many miles since then and learned many more lessons that perhaps I'll share in the future as I feel guided or prompted. I hope that some of this makes sense or resonates with those of you who may stumble across this blog. I am a big believer of great things coming for all of us but I also believe that all things have their proper time.
Thanks for listening my friends. Upward and onward!
Thursday, July 9, 2015
The Blessings of Being Single
This message is a shout out to all my single friends out in the world! It's also a message to all you happily married folks who have friends and family who are single who may or may not want to hold that status. As I come to singlehood via divorce, this post will reflect that reality. I recognize that there are other paths to get here to singlehood and I respect them as well.
What I want to focus on now is my single reality. What about my life now? Does it still have as much value as before? Can I still experience the same joy and fulillment? Well, apart from finding the ultimate partner in life, I do believe that you can have substantial joy and fulfillment as a single person.
Lastly, I feel as though being a divorced single person has given me a new and unique understanding and love of so many people who have suffered. I feel that it is part of my life mission to travel this divorced single path for at least a while, however long I must. I believe that it has been necessary for my spiritual development and I believe that I agreed to take on this challenge before coming to this earth. I now have eyes to see and ears to hear and love to give that I did not have in as much abundance as I do now.
Let me preface this by saying that I recognize that there exists within the human heart, a natural desire for men and women to come together to form unions. This is quite right. It's part of God's plan of happiness. "The man is not without the woman neither the woman without the man in the Lord." My oldest daughter just got married and my second daughter is not far behind. I couldn't be more happy for them.
I also was married for a long time and though my road was rocky, I am so glad for what I learned from the experience and of course, what I got in return, which were six incredible children.
I am now single whether I like it or not. Despite my own hardship and after having gone through the pain of divorce, I have not lost faith in marriage, and it is my sincere hope to find the right partner someday and I am working on that.
What I want to focus on now is my single reality. What about my life now? Does it still have as much value as before? Can I still experience the same joy and fulillment? Well, apart from finding the ultimate partner in life, I do believe that you can have substantial joy and fulfillment as a single person.
In the here and now, I have been blessed beyond measure. I believe that over time, I have come to accept my life the way it is with its' challenges and opportunities. I believe that the time I'm living in now is a special time. It's a time of healing and preparation and hope. Yes, I do get lonely and yes there is still pain, but overall I would have to say I am in a tremendously good position and it keeps getting better for me.
Here are some examples of the good things that have happened for me since I became single.
First, I am free. I am free from the enormous pressure of trying to make something work when that something was not wanted by the person I was with. That kind of pressure is a very heavy cross to bear and takes a toll on you both physically and emotionally. When you compound that pressure over many years, it becomes almost unbearable. Being released from that kind of weight is, in and of itself, a tremendous relief. As a result of being set free, I am stronger physically, spritually, and emotionally than I was two years ago and it keeps getting better on all fronts.
Second, being single has only enhanced my relationship with God. I have continued to rely heavily on Him for my support. Because of my unique needs, I feel that I can approach the Lord for special help in my circumstances and with my children and in my career and in all other aspects of my life. When I am in need of comfort, I go directly to Him and I receive the assurance I need. Never has he left me alone but has given me the strength I need and the inspiration to do great things.
Third, my relationships are enriched and enhanced. As a single person I have been able to spend so much more meaningful time with my family including my parents and siblings. They felt I was gone for all those married years, and indeed I was to a great extent, because 99% of my time and effort was spent on maintaining a fragile marriage and setting a foundation for my children. There was little room for anything else. I have an even better relationship with my children now than I did before because I am more free to be who I am with them and to let them be who they are. Several of my children have made this observation. They feel closer to me. My children also enjoy a much more rich and beautiful relationship with my parents and my brothers and sisters. That is an eternal blessing that they will come to appreciate more and more as time passes.
I have also have had the precious blessing of meeting incredible friends, My life has been touched by so many wonderful individuals who I never would have met had I not been single. Even the dates and relationships I have had, have provided me with great healing, learning, and inspiration. Hopefully I have contributed something positive to their lives as well. I have met many other travelers on this road who have gone through something similar. We have a bond now because we know similar pains and have fought similar battles. I'm a believer that we are part of each other's lives for a reason and that reason is to lift and help one another.
Fourth, I have more freedom to pursue and develop my talents. Because, as I mentioned before, I was constantly working so hard on the home front, I barely had time for many years to do anything that I wanted to do to develop my talents in the areas I'm passionate about. I started to work on them a few years previous to the divorce, but now I feel that I am unfettered and am enjoying even greater opportunities to develop and enjoy success. There is enormous satisfaction in life from finding something you love to do and working to get better at it. Now I can do that without any of the restrictions I felt before.
Lastly, I feel as though being a divorced single person has given me a new and unique understanding and love of so many people who have suffered. I feel that it is part of my life mission to travel this divorced single path for at least a while, however long I must. I believe that it has been necessary for my spiritual development and I believe that I agreed to take on this challenge before coming to this earth. I now have eyes to see and ears to hear and love to give that I did not have in as much abundance as I do now.
So, fellow single people, and people anywhere reading this blog whatever your marital status is, enjoy your life and the richness it offers. Take the beauty in any circumstance. Look to God and live. He will make much more out of our lives than we can. Just remember.
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Reflections from My Daughter's Wedding
Well, it finally happened. My oldest daughter, my first born, was married last week in the Salt Lake Temple.
I can't tell you about the whirlwind of emotions I experienced, mostly positive, that I experienced that day. This has been a long time coming. I've been a Dad for almost 23 years. It's become ingrained in my being and is part of my eternal identity now. I have to admit, I miss hearing her melodic voice echoing through my apartment as often as it used to.
After she came home from her mission, she had a short stint living in an apartment at college. A few months later she moved in with me in order to save money, spend time with her Dad, and to heal both physically and emotionally before her wedding.
She had a tough, but beautiful mission, but came home sick and is still suffering from some of the after affects. She also came home to a situation that was completely different from the one she left. The home she grew up in had been sold. Her parents were no longer married. Her brothers and sisters were traveling back and forth between her parents' homes and the list goes on. There were many adjustments that she had to make and these were not of her own choosing, and they were hard.
I must say it was a true joy and blessing to have her with me. She is very special to me. I remember all her growing up. I remember her birth at the hospital during a snow storm in January and how we brought her home, wrapped her up like a burrito and put her on the kitchen table for minute or two to admire her. She was new life, a new spirit brought to earth, sent to us to care for and nurture. I took that job very seriously and still do.
At the temple, I saw how my little girl had grown up to be such a beautiful young woman, the picture of a new bride, innocent and pure, dressed in white.
I was privileged to be a witness in the sealing room of the temple for the wedding. I heard the words the sealer spoke. They were full of love and spirit. The significance of the words transcended this earth. They were eternal in nature and incorporated the destiny of a husband and wife joined together as one beyond this life. That is the true nature of the marriage relationship and the desire of God for all of us. These blessings are contingent upon a couple keeping their promises to God and accepting him as the other most important partner in the new relationship.
I must admit that I couldn't hold back a few tears as the sealer spoke about how my patriarchal responsibility for my daughter was now being transferred to my daughter's new husband. It was a strange but beautiful feeling. I understand how a man or woman must leave their father and mother and become one in a new and everlasting covenant of marriage. It is right and proper and a beautifully ordained path, and one that can and should lead to true fulfillment and happiness.
I couldn't help but to desire that blessing again in my own life. I made the covenant before but it did not remain in force for reasons outside of my control. I know that in the economy of God, that my blessings are intact because I have kept my covenant with Him and as long as I remain faithful, I will enjoy all the blessings. I know that and I have hope in a "better country" to come. (Hebrews 11) I do not doubt that the Lord is merciful.
It was a true blessing to witness the marriage of my daughter to her new husband. It was good to hear the sacred words again and to know that my daughter and her partner have a true foundation and I have no doubt that they will be successful in this great new endeavor of love and commitment. I am a truly a blessed father.
Upward and onward friends! Let's cherish these moments in our lives, for they are rare and sacred.
I can't tell you about the whirlwind of emotions I experienced, mostly positive, that I experienced that day. This has been a long time coming. I've been a Dad for almost 23 years. It's become ingrained in my being and is part of my eternal identity now. I have to admit, I miss hearing her melodic voice echoing through my apartment as often as it used to.
After she came home from her mission, she had a short stint living in an apartment at college. A few months later she moved in with me in order to save money, spend time with her Dad, and to heal both physically and emotionally before her wedding.
She had a tough, but beautiful mission, but came home sick and is still suffering from some of the after affects. She also came home to a situation that was completely different from the one she left. The home she grew up in had been sold. Her parents were no longer married. Her brothers and sisters were traveling back and forth between her parents' homes and the list goes on. There were many adjustments that she had to make and these were not of her own choosing, and they were hard.
I must say it was a true joy and blessing to have her with me. She is very special to me. I remember all her growing up. I remember her birth at the hospital during a snow storm in January and how we brought her home, wrapped her up like a burrito and put her on the kitchen table for minute or two to admire her. She was new life, a new spirit brought to earth, sent to us to care for and nurture. I took that job very seriously and still do.
At the temple, I saw how my little girl had grown up to be such a beautiful young woman, the picture of a new bride, innocent and pure, dressed in white.
I was privileged to be a witness in the sealing room of the temple for the wedding. I heard the words the sealer spoke. They were full of love and spirit. The significance of the words transcended this earth. They were eternal in nature and incorporated the destiny of a husband and wife joined together as one beyond this life. That is the true nature of the marriage relationship and the desire of God for all of us. These blessings are contingent upon a couple keeping their promises to God and accepting him as the other most important partner in the new relationship.
I must admit that I couldn't hold back a few tears as the sealer spoke about how my patriarchal responsibility for my daughter was now being transferred to my daughter's new husband. It was a strange but beautiful feeling. I understand how a man or woman must leave their father and mother and become one in a new and everlasting covenant of marriage. It is right and proper and a beautifully ordained path, and one that can and should lead to true fulfillment and happiness.
I couldn't help but to desire that blessing again in my own life. I made the covenant before but it did not remain in force for reasons outside of my control. I know that in the economy of God, that my blessings are intact because I have kept my covenant with Him and as long as I remain faithful, I will enjoy all the blessings. I know that and I have hope in a "better country" to come. (Hebrews 11) I do not doubt that the Lord is merciful.
It was a true blessing to witness the marriage of my daughter to her new husband. It was good to hear the sacred words again and to know that my daughter and her partner have a true foundation and I have no doubt that they will be successful in this great new endeavor of love and commitment. I am a truly a blessed father.
Upward and onward friends! Let's cherish these moments in our lives, for they are rare and sacred.
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Advice to My Future Sons in Law
So you're telling me you love my daughter and you want to take the next step with her. You want to be with her forever. Am I hearing that right? Did I misunderstand? No? Well, I guess I'm not surprised. You have excellent taste and I can't fault you for that. But now you're playing for keeps and all the time for game playing is in the distant past for you now. You are taking a huge step here. You are entering the real adult world and it's your time to grow into being the true man you were meant to be. Are you ready for that? Do you know what you are asking for? Do you know what you are getting yourself into? Yes, you say? Well of course you don't. You can't. Not until you actually experience it will you understand it. But there are a few things I want you to think about as you prepare for this next step. Read this now and remember it later. It will help you.
Know this: Marriage is not an experiment. People shack up all the time and live together in a so called experiment. They don't want to take the step to marriage with all its' commitments. They just want to enjoy the benefits of being married without the responsibility. So when things get challenging, they can just bug out and be done with it. Man, that is not the way I was raised and it is no where near the real truth. The real truth is the opposite. There is no real freedom and no real happiness without being willing to commit all the way to something greater than yourself and the marriage covenant is one thing that transcends you. So when you're in, you're in. Put your doubts away and commit 100%. Yes it will be hard, but yes it is worth it.
Remember that your Heavenly Father is the most important partner in your covenant relationship. Seek his guidance always and follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit. It will lead you the right way always. Remember that God is ready to bless your union. You will be blessed both temporally and spiritually as you follow the teachings of Christ together. You will be blessed in ways that you cannot conceive of now and you need to be aware and give thanks always when blessings come. You need to pray together and worship together. The Lord is a partner with you and will work with you to bring special children into the world. They are his children and he is giving you the blessing and sacred opportunity to raise them with him. You must always remember this and never forget it. Your greatest chance at happiness is to recognize your role as a husband, father, and son of God and to fulfill those roles to the best of your ability. Take it seriously and believe and you will be blessed.
Treat my daughter as an equal partner with you. Yes, it is your responsibility to lead your family in spiritual matters and to be the provider and protector of the home. This does not mean that you are in a higher position than my daughter. Her role is just as important as yours is. She has a brain and is intelligent. She has been raised well. She is strong. She is spiritual and is entitled to inspiration just as you are. She is a help meet, not a helpmate. She will have the blessing of motherhood. Being a mother is a very tough job and will be exhausting for her at times. Make sure that she gets some time to rest and to pursue and develop her talents too. Motherhood can become all consuming and she will need to have time just to be herself. Help her the best you can with that and it will pay dividends to you for the rest of your life.
Be the rock that she needs. You may not understand now how a wife looks to you to be her support on so many levels. She will be depending on you emotionally, spiritually, and temporally. This is not to say that she is weak. She isn't. You will be depending on her too for support, but you must know that a husband can provide a feeling of safety and security that is priceless to a woman. She needs to know that she can depend on you through all the trials of life; that when things go wrong, you will be there and that you two will work together to face them and conquer them. She also must never doubt your love and devotion to her.
I suggest you develop a calm demeanor. Don't let yourself get upset by the annoying things of life that almost always don't matter in the long run. Stay cool. When you disagree on something, which you will, discuss it as peacefully as possible. This doesn't mean that you have to always give in or acquiesce if you genuinely don't agree on something, but look for ways to compromise and look for win win solutions to challenges whenever possible.
You are embarking on a great adventure in life and what you do now and how you respond to the challenges will directly influence your happiness in this life and next. This is a real chance for you. If you are humble and teachable, the Lord will develop and progress you more than you can ever know. In a few short years will have so much life experience and will have learned so much that it will make your head spin.
Of course there is much more that I could say to you, but these are some of the most important things I wanted to convey to you now. Think about them. Remember them after you are married. You are making a new life with my precious daughter. Remember she is a daughter of God, not just my earthly daughter. Her worth is greater than I have words to describe. You are a lucky man. May the Lord bless you and give you a successful marriage as you do what is necessary to make your home a home of love and spirit.
I welcome you with open arms and an open heart full of love.
Welcome, my new sons!
Know this: Marriage is not an experiment. People shack up all the time and live together in a so called experiment. They don't want to take the step to marriage with all its' commitments. They just want to enjoy the benefits of being married without the responsibility. So when things get challenging, they can just bug out and be done with it. Man, that is not the way I was raised and it is no where near the real truth. The real truth is the opposite. There is no real freedom and no real happiness without being willing to commit all the way to something greater than yourself and the marriage covenant is one thing that transcends you. So when you're in, you're in. Put your doubts away and commit 100%. Yes it will be hard, but yes it is worth it.
Remember that your Heavenly Father is the most important partner in your covenant relationship. Seek his guidance always and follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit. It will lead you the right way always. Remember that God is ready to bless your union. You will be blessed both temporally and spiritually as you follow the teachings of Christ together. You will be blessed in ways that you cannot conceive of now and you need to be aware and give thanks always when blessings come. You need to pray together and worship together. The Lord is a partner with you and will work with you to bring special children into the world. They are his children and he is giving you the blessing and sacred opportunity to raise them with him. You must always remember this and never forget it. Your greatest chance at happiness is to recognize your role as a husband, father, and son of God and to fulfill those roles to the best of your ability. Take it seriously and believe and you will be blessed.
Treat my daughter as an equal partner with you. Yes, it is your responsibility to lead your family in spiritual matters and to be the provider and protector of the home. This does not mean that you are in a higher position than my daughter. Her role is just as important as yours is. She has a brain and is intelligent. She has been raised well. She is strong. She is spiritual and is entitled to inspiration just as you are. She is a help meet, not a helpmate. She will have the blessing of motherhood. Being a mother is a very tough job and will be exhausting for her at times. Make sure that she gets some time to rest and to pursue and develop her talents too. Motherhood can become all consuming and she will need to have time just to be herself. Help her the best you can with that and it will pay dividends to you for the rest of your life.
Be the rock that she needs. You may not understand now how a wife looks to you to be her support on so many levels. She will be depending on you emotionally, spiritually, and temporally. This is not to say that she is weak. She isn't. You will be depending on her too for support, but you must know that a husband can provide a feeling of safety and security that is priceless to a woman. She needs to know that she can depend on you through all the trials of life; that when things go wrong, you will be there and that you two will work together to face them and conquer them. She also must never doubt your love and devotion to her.
I suggest you develop a calm demeanor. Don't let yourself get upset by the annoying things of life that almost always don't matter in the long run. Stay cool. When you disagree on something, which you will, discuss it as peacefully as possible. This doesn't mean that you have to always give in or acquiesce if you genuinely don't agree on something, but look for ways to compromise and look for win win solutions to challenges whenever possible.
You are embarking on a great adventure in life and what you do now and how you respond to the challenges will directly influence your happiness in this life and next. This is a real chance for you. If you are humble and teachable, the Lord will develop and progress you more than you can ever know. In a few short years will have so much life experience and will have learned so much that it will make your head spin.
Of course there is much more that I could say to you, but these are some of the most important things I wanted to convey to you now. Think about them. Remember them after you are married. You are making a new life with my precious daughter. Remember she is a daughter of God, not just my earthly daughter. Her worth is greater than I have words to describe. You are a lucky man. May the Lord bless you and give you a successful marriage as you do what is necessary to make your home a home of love and spirit.
I welcome you with open arms and an open heart full of love.
Welcome, my new sons!
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Getting My Girls Ready for Marriage
So two out of three of my girls are getting married this summer. Now, how did that happen? How did I come to this point in life? What happened to the days when they wore adorable little dresses and ribbons and bows in their hair? What happened to reading them books and rocking out to my classic rock tunes in the car on the way to dance class? What happened to telling them stories and listening to their prayers at night? You know, that was all a big part of my life not very long ago. Seriously, it seems like only a couple of days ago and yet here they are all grown up, smiling at me, and telling me they want to take the next step on life's super highway. So hold up now! Wait a second! Back up! That was too quick. I wasn't quite ready for this, but I guess I'm not surprised.
One thing about life is that it always changes. I was telling one of my sons the other day. When you're little, time moves slowly. You can't wait for Christmas. You can't wait for your birthday. You can't wait to get older so that you can do more things, have more privileges. The slowness of time is exasperating. But once you're an adult and you get married and start having kids of your own, time starts moving at warp speed. Pretty soon a decade has passed. Then another. You finally get comfortable being a Dad. It becomes part of your identity and you can never go back. But your little ones, they keep changing. No way to slow it down. No way to reverse it. I used to always tell them to stop growing up.
"Remember that little bob haircut you used to have with the bangs in the front?" I ask one of my daughters.
"Ya, Dad. I'm not 6 anymore." she answers shaking her head a little and smirking.
"Well dang it! I liked that haircut. I told you to stop growing up!" But it's no use. They keep getting older and more beautiful by the day.
Well my girls are still young, but they are of age. Gone are the days when I could make decisions for them or protect them in the same way I used to. My role has changed. I'm now more of an advisor or a life coach, but I'm still their Dad. There is a bond between Dad's and daughters that will never be broken I've been told. I believe it's true if you're a good Dad. At least I know that I never did anything to break that bond with them, so I'm hoping that it will only deepen with time.
I'm hoping that I was the kind of father that only influenced them in them in a positive way and that I was a good model to them of what kind of man to pick to marry. It appears that they have chosen well, so I'm very excited for their future.
I've tried to prepare them for the many challenges of marriage, that no marriage is easy. There are always tests and trials to go through, adjustments and compromises to make. There are pressures from inside and out. It is a relationship that needs to be nurtured and cared for more than any other in order to survive. And I'm hoping that it will not just survive, but thrive. And despite my own experience, I still do believe that the marriage relationship can succeed and provide the greatest joy and contentment possible in life. I've seen this accomplished, but each partner must choose this path. It in no way happens automatically.
I tell my girls that I want them to be equal partners in their marriages. I want them to know their own worth. I want them to use their intelligence, wisdom, and spirit in creating a great relationship and eventually a beautiful eternal family. Yes, I do want grandchildren. Not yet, but eventually. :) My girls need to understand what an equal partnership is. It is not walking in front or behind. It is about walking side by side. They need to carry their own load just as their future husbands need to carry theirs and they need to carry those loads together, make decisions together, and build a future together, as equals.
I also want my girls to remember that their marriage is not only a partnership between spouses, but a partnership with God. I want them to seek wisdom and inspiration from Him always and to have Christ at the center of their lives.
Lastly, I want them to learn from my own marriage. Yes, I'm talking about the one that ended in divorce. I want them to use my experience for their eternal benefit. Whatever they saw good in my marriage, I want them to take with them. Whatever was not, I want them to avoid. They must always remember that they are not destined to repeat the mistakes of their parents. They don't have to follow the divorce cycle. They can choose differently. They have their freedom. They are welcome and encouraged to use my experience to build a stronger and better future with their husbands. All things work together for good for them that love the Lord. So even coming from a divorce can serve to their benefit. It's all up to them. God will turn even the most difficult experiences into a blessing.
These are just a few of the things I've been trying to help my daughters understand before they take that next step into wedded bliss. I'm doing all I can now, but I know that no one can really totally prepare them for marriage. Impossible. It has to be experienced on its own. At least I know they have the foundation for what they need. They have the tools and the support and desire for what a marriage should be and who's to say they won't achieve that. I believe they will.
So after having said all this, there is only one thing left to say:
Bring on the weddings!
One thing about life is that it always changes. I was telling one of my sons the other day. When you're little, time moves slowly. You can't wait for Christmas. You can't wait for your birthday. You can't wait to get older so that you can do more things, have more privileges. The slowness of time is exasperating. But once you're an adult and you get married and start having kids of your own, time starts moving at warp speed. Pretty soon a decade has passed. Then another. You finally get comfortable being a Dad. It becomes part of your identity and you can never go back. But your little ones, they keep changing. No way to slow it down. No way to reverse it. I used to always tell them to stop growing up.
"Remember that little bob haircut you used to have with the bangs in the front?" I ask one of my daughters.
"Ya, Dad. I'm not 6 anymore." she answers shaking her head a little and smirking.
"Well dang it! I liked that haircut. I told you to stop growing up!" But it's no use. They keep getting older and more beautiful by the day.
Well my girls are still young, but they are of age. Gone are the days when I could make decisions for them or protect them in the same way I used to. My role has changed. I'm now more of an advisor or a life coach, but I'm still their Dad. There is a bond between Dad's and daughters that will never be broken I've been told. I believe it's true if you're a good Dad. At least I know that I never did anything to break that bond with them, so I'm hoping that it will only deepen with time.
I'm hoping that I was the kind of father that only influenced them in them in a positive way and that I was a good model to them of what kind of man to pick to marry. It appears that they have chosen well, so I'm very excited for their future.
I've tried to prepare them for the many challenges of marriage, that no marriage is easy. There are always tests and trials to go through, adjustments and compromises to make. There are pressures from inside and out. It is a relationship that needs to be nurtured and cared for more than any other in order to survive. And I'm hoping that it will not just survive, but thrive. And despite my own experience, I still do believe that the marriage relationship can succeed and provide the greatest joy and contentment possible in life. I've seen this accomplished, but each partner must choose this path. It in no way happens automatically.
I tell my girls that I want them to be equal partners in their marriages. I want them to know their own worth. I want them to use their intelligence, wisdom, and spirit in creating a great relationship and eventually a beautiful eternal family. Yes, I do want grandchildren. Not yet, but eventually. :) My girls need to understand what an equal partnership is. It is not walking in front or behind. It is about walking side by side. They need to carry their own load just as their future husbands need to carry theirs and they need to carry those loads together, make decisions together, and build a future together, as equals.
I also want my girls to remember that their marriage is not only a partnership between spouses, but a partnership with God. I want them to seek wisdom and inspiration from Him always and to have Christ at the center of their lives.
Lastly, I want them to learn from my own marriage. Yes, I'm talking about the one that ended in divorce. I want them to use my experience for their eternal benefit. Whatever they saw good in my marriage, I want them to take with them. Whatever was not, I want them to avoid. They must always remember that they are not destined to repeat the mistakes of their parents. They don't have to follow the divorce cycle. They can choose differently. They have their freedom. They are welcome and encouraged to use my experience to build a stronger and better future with their husbands. All things work together for good for them that love the Lord. So even coming from a divorce can serve to their benefit. It's all up to them. God will turn even the most difficult experiences into a blessing.
These are just a few of the things I've been trying to help my daughters understand before they take that next step into wedded bliss. I'm doing all I can now, but I know that no one can really totally prepare them for marriage. Impossible. It has to be experienced on its own. At least I know they have the foundation for what they need. They have the tools and the support and desire for what a marriage should be and who's to say they won't achieve that. I believe they will.
So after having said all this, there is only one thing left to say:
Bring on the weddings!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)