The other day I found myself driving in Provo, Utah. I was looking for a school. I had been to this school at least a dozen times over the years. They are a customer of mine. I'm in educational sales and have been for years. As I was driving, somehow I took a wrong turn and got myself all twisted around. I turned onto a street that lead me into an apartment complex. Actually there were a couple of complexes crowded together and soon I came to a dead end. As I came to the end of the street I realized that this area looked very familiar to me. Yes, it was next to a railroad track and it was the last apartment at the end of the row. Suddenly I realized that I was in the same place I started out in with my new wife 26 years ago. I was looking at the first apartment that we had lived in together and a flood of memories came back of those early years as a newly married couple. It felt surreal. This was a place where a new life and new dreams had begun. New lessons were being taught to me and I had felt that I was on the brink of a new adventure and the beginning of building a new kingdom that would last forever. That all changed of course many years later, but it's ok. I'm ok. Life redirected can be even more beautiful.
Prominent in those memories was another young couple that lived just across from us directly. You could open our door, walk about 8 feet and be at their door. They were literally the first young married couple we had met and little by little we became great friends. The husband became like another brother. He was just like my own brothers, full of fun, and jokes, and outrageousness. His wife was pretty, intelligent, compassionate and also easy to tease, which I did often because she was one of those people who knew all kinds of facts that you would never expected she would. She could give you detailed instructions on how to install an air conditioner for example and she would go ahead and tell you without hesitation.
We spent a good deal of time hanging out with our first friends. We used to watch the Simpsons with them. We went to church with them every week. We shared meals together and we even went on a trip with them to visit his family up in Idaho to go river rafting. We didn't live a long time as their neighbors, probably less than a year, but it was enough to keep them in our hearts all this time.
Sometimes when you go through a crisis or trauma in life, you find out who your friends truly are. This is true especially when it comes to divorce, but it can be any kind of trauma that you go through. A terrible experience will separate the wheat from the chaff in your life in terms of your friends. Some who you thought were so solid and who you loved, will turn from you in the time of your need. It's sad, but true. There are others, like my first married friends, who will stick by you forever. They don't care whether you have money or not, whether you're married or not, whether you're black, white, brown, or yellow. They accept you for who you are and will stick by you always. They will believe you. They will validate you.
Those are the kind of friends whose worth is greater than gold. It is so important to recognize them in our lives. They don't come around everyday and I believe that our Heavenly Father helps our paths cross at critical times in life so that we can be there for each other and help each other grow. Some may think that everything in life is random, but I do not. I think God cares enough about us even to send us friends to help us along on our journeys in this life. My advice is to accept every good gift. All good things come from God and you can never put a price on true friendship.
Recently, my first married friends were in town and they called me. They were only going to be around for a short time. I wanted to see them so I put off the dance I was going attend and the movie I was going to see and went and met them at a local restaurant. I was well rewarded for my time as we talked, ate onion rings, and laughed and laughed about old memories. We got all caught up on our current lives and families. I left feeling uplifted and loved. You can't put a price on those feelings either and when this life is over, we will still be friends. Honestly, is there any amount of money that would compensate us for the worth of a true friend? I think not.
So the moral of this story is this: True friends are like gold. Treat them as such. Remember that what you send out in this world comes back to you. This is true of good friends. This I know.
Upward and onward.
Sunday, June 5, 2016
Monday, May 30, 2016
Love Comes Back to You
I recently posted some thoughts in a divorce group I'm in on Facebook. I felt good about this message and wanted to save and share it. It is short, but I believe it is very true. Hope you are doing well out there, wherever you are. Blessings to you!
I went to my former niece's mission farewell today. I guess to me, she is still my niece. I wasn't sure that I wanted to stay very long. You know, it's not always so pleasant to be hanging out with your ex and her husband at these kinds of events. Can you feel me? But I have to say, that every time I go to these joint family events, I am treated like royalty by all my kids and all my former in-laws and friends. I felt so good that I ended up staying and reminiscing with them for a long time. It was wonderful. Even my 16 year old son noticed and commented on it. He said, "You know Dad, all of mom's sisters still haven't replaced you. They all still love you 'cause you're a good person." I have to say I loved hearing that and feeling that, especially from my son. It reminded me of this scripture in the Book of Mormon.
Alma 41:14
14 Therefore, my son, see that you are merciful unto your brethren; deal justly, judge righteously, and do good continually; and if ye do all these things then shall ye receive your reward; yea, ye shall have mercy restored unto you again; ye shall have justice restored unto you again; ye shall have a righteous judgment restored unto you again; and ye shall have good rewarded unto you again.
15 For that which ye do asend out shall return unto you again, and be restored
14 Therefore, my son, see that you are merciful unto your brethren; deal justly, judge righteously, and do good continually; and if ye do all these things then shall ye receive your reward; yea, ye shall have mercy restored unto you again; ye shall have justice restored unto you again; ye shall have a righteous judgment restored unto you again; and ye shall have good rewarded unto you again.
15 For that which ye do asend out shall return unto you again, and be restored
I believe this scripture doesn't just pertain to the next life. It pertains to this one. I told my son. "If you treat people right and love them, then it will come back to you later, when you need it." This is a true principle.
Not everything happens immediately in this world. We are not always rewarded quickly for loving others. Offenders don't always have evil restored to them quickly either, but I have lived long enough to see the restoration of good and evil come to folks. It just does.
I am blessed that relationships that I forged over decades reward me in the present. This will accelerate throughout our lives and will culminate on the other side. Never think it is vain to serve God. Those who keep the commandments are the happiest people on this earth and will be also rewarded ten times more in the future.
I know that not everyone's former in-laws are nice or accepting, but love will win out for the righteous in the end. Never weary of loving others. Love is its' own reward. You will see it and feel it in this life. Don't forget.
Just some thoughts to share with you on a Sunday evening. Blessings to you all!
Monday, May 2, 2016
Revelation to Each One of Us
I've been asking some questions of late, questions that keep coming to my mind. I've been casting them up to Heaven, letting them echo and reverberate back down to me and throughout the universe. The questions are not really new. I've been asking them for years. I've gotten little hints of answers here and there. Little packets of information have been sent to me that seem to sink in more and more as I continue to experience life. One day all the little packets will add up to a perfect brightness and my understanding will be complete. That's how revelation from God works. It is scriptural.
Isaiah 28:10 For precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little:
Even with all the prophets, the pattern is the same. They are given knowledge in the time they need and as a response to sincere and earnest prayer. We are no different from them in this regard and we are entitled to revelation from God just as much as anyone else. The key to revelation is this, we must ask with all sincerity without attempting to hide anything from God. We can't pretend with him. We cannot trifle with sacred things. We cannot expect answers from Him on a whim and we must absolutely be willing to listen and act on the knowledge we receive. If we follow that simple pattern, our knowledge will grow unto a perfect day and we will one day return to live in His presence.
Many times the problem is not with our prayers. It lies with our willingness to listen and act. We want God's answers to fit what we want, not necessarily what He wants for us. That's the difference between a true disciple and one who has not yet made the commitment. A true disciple is willing to make whatever change in his or her personal life the Lord wants. They will take a different job, give up an ingrained habit, move to another place, talk to people they have never met, suffer rejection by others, suffer illness, give up former friends, former lifestyles, join a misunderstood church. The list goes on and can be unique to each individual. Why would a person be willing to do such difficult things? It is simply because they see something beautiful that is not of this world and they desire it more than anything else.
Hebrews 11: 16 But now they desire a better country, that is, an heavenly: wherefore God is not ashamed to be called their God: for he hath prepared for them a city.
As my imperfect path of discipleship has continued over the course of my life, I have worried at times that my mission on this earth has been interrupted or that my promised blessings would not come to pass, especially because of my divorce. Divorce is not God's way. It is not His plan for His children. Unfortunately a divorce was inevitable for me. There was no way to stop it. I fought it for a long time and would not give up trying to save my marriage despite all.
Finally after I had done everything and had laid it all upon the altar before God in my prayers, I heard the thought come into my mind, "It's time for you to let go and follow My plan now, son." I heard the message clearly and it felt right in my mind and in my heart. That's when I was finally able to let go. There was another path for me and it had all been planned out.
As I have had time to reflect, I have come to believe and know that my path has all been foreknown by God. My divorce was previously known and planned for. It was not allowed to happen in order to stop my progress and my promised blessings from coming to me. There has been no detour from my life mission and path. My unexpected trials have been part of my plan and I believe, an essential one. I never left my walk with God though I have walked imperfectly. It's still my plan. It's still my path. I'm still moving in the right direction. That growing understanding has meant the world to me.
I feel much more at peace now as time has passed and God has opened up little by little a greater view of my past, present, and future. I have come to this knowledge not through a vision or dream but by small packets of inspiration that have come to me over time as I have striven to follow the path of discipleship.
He will do that for all of us if we learn to see with our spiritual eyes and hear with our spiritual ears, and let our hearts be softened instead of hardened in our trials.
This I believe and I hope you do too.
Upward and onward my brothers and sisters.
Isaiah 28:10 For precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little:
Even with all the prophets, the pattern is the same. They are given knowledge in the time they need and as a response to sincere and earnest prayer. We are no different from them in this regard and we are entitled to revelation from God just as much as anyone else. The key to revelation is this, we must ask with all sincerity without attempting to hide anything from God. We can't pretend with him. We cannot trifle with sacred things. We cannot expect answers from Him on a whim and we must absolutely be willing to listen and act on the knowledge we receive. If we follow that simple pattern, our knowledge will grow unto a perfect day and we will one day return to live in His presence.
Many times the problem is not with our prayers. It lies with our willingness to listen and act. We want God's answers to fit what we want, not necessarily what He wants for us. That's the difference between a true disciple and one who has not yet made the commitment. A true disciple is willing to make whatever change in his or her personal life the Lord wants. They will take a different job, give up an ingrained habit, move to another place, talk to people they have never met, suffer rejection by others, suffer illness, give up former friends, former lifestyles, join a misunderstood church. The list goes on and can be unique to each individual. Why would a person be willing to do such difficult things? It is simply because they see something beautiful that is not of this world and they desire it more than anything else.
Hebrews 11: 16 But now they desire a better country, that is, an heavenly: wherefore God is not ashamed to be called their God: for he hath prepared for them a city.
As my imperfect path of discipleship has continued over the course of my life, I have worried at times that my mission on this earth has been interrupted or that my promised blessings would not come to pass, especially because of my divorce. Divorce is not God's way. It is not His plan for His children. Unfortunately a divorce was inevitable for me. There was no way to stop it. I fought it for a long time and would not give up trying to save my marriage despite all.
Finally after I had done everything and had laid it all upon the altar before God in my prayers, I heard the thought come into my mind, "It's time for you to let go and follow My plan now, son." I heard the message clearly and it felt right in my mind and in my heart. That's when I was finally able to let go. There was another path for me and it had all been planned out.
As I have had time to reflect, I have come to believe and know that my path has all been foreknown by God. My divorce was previously known and planned for. It was not allowed to happen in order to stop my progress and my promised blessings from coming to me. There has been no detour from my life mission and path. My unexpected trials have been part of my plan and I believe, an essential one. I never left my walk with God though I have walked imperfectly. It's still my plan. It's still my path. I'm still moving in the right direction. That growing understanding has meant the world to me.
I feel much more at peace now as time has passed and God has opened up little by little a greater view of my past, present, and future. I have come to this knowledge not through a vision or dream but by small packets of inspiration that have come to me over time as I have striven to follow the path of discipleship.
He will do that for all of us if we learn to see with our spiritual eyes and hear with our spiritual ears, and let our hearts be softened instead of hardened in our trials.
This I believe and I hope you do too.
Upward and onward my brothers and sisters.
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
The Definition of Success
I am a very motivated person by nature. When I was young I relished the opportunity to participate in sports and experienced some great success. I was driven and competitive. In my adult life, I'm a salesman. I carry a quota. I'm compensated on how I perform against a goal. I have lots of interests and am always trying to find a new niche to be successful in. I'm always pushing myself to achieve something more.
But what is it that I'm actually striving for? How will I know when I'm truly successful?
If I look at myself in the worldly way, my record is mixed. I've had some successes and some serious setbacks, and to be honest, my setbacks have come in the areas that I most desperately wanted to succeed in.
Here are some examples:
1. Sports career: Ended for health reasons in the 10th grade. Never able to reach my full potential.
2. Mission. Was sick the whole time and experienced serious challenges to my faith and testimony.
3. Marriage. Ended in divorce after 23 years and six children.
I could go on about my setbacks but I don't want to. How would it help? If I look again at those same setbacks I can find enormous success..
1. Sports Career. Learned to drive forward to reach difficult goals. Learned the value of teamwork.
2. Mission. Learned compassion and love for different kinds of people. Learned to not be so hard on myself.
3. Marriage. Became a father of 6 incredible human beings who have brought great love and joy to my life.
How would you judge my success based on these observations?
Well, if you look at what I value most which is my relationship with God, my family, and my own consistent progress, I can say I have done well. I am, what I would consider, a success.
When I look around me, there will always be people who seem to be more successful. They may be more financially rewarded, they may be better tennis players, they may have solid and loving marriages, they may have this and that and the list could go on and on.
The conditions on this earth are never exactly the same for any of us. We have our own unique personalities, our own unique strengths and weaknesses. Also, our opportunities vary as well.
Here's another example:
There are two salesmen that work for ABC company. Salesman #1 has an incredible year. He blows out his number. Salesman #2 works hard but comes up short, 5% below his number for that same year. Does logic dictate that salesman #1 is automatically more successful? Not necessarily. A lot has to do with circumstances, individual conditions in their territories, funding etc. etc.
What really counts for us as it relates to true success is what we do with what we are given. That's what the Lord will judge us on. What did I do with the hand I've been dealt? We each have opportunities no matter what setbacks we have suffered. What are we going to do now with those opportunities?
In many ways, divorce from a difficult and painful marriage is in reality, a fantastic opportunity to reinvent, rebuild, and to do things we could never do before.
Would I have ever have written this blog if it weren't for my divorce? Would I have ever met the hundreds of beautiful people I've met now, if I had stayed in my difficult marriage? The answer is no and the real truth is that I am successful and so are you if you choose to see it and you choose to make it a reality.
Let's make it a reality. Define what is truly important and go for it. There is no question that we will all be successful.
But what is it that I'm actually striving for? How will I know when I'm truly successful?
If I look at myself in the worldly way, my record is mixed. I've had some successes and some serious setbacks, and to be honest, my setbacks have come in the areas that I most desperately wanted to succeed in.
Here are some examples:
1. Sports career: Ended for health reasons in the 10th grade. Never able to reach my full potential.
2. Mission. Was sick the whole time and experienced serious challenges to my faith and testimony.
3. Marriage. Ended in divorce after 23 years and six children.
I could go on about my setbacks but I don't want to. How would it help? If I look again at those same setbacks I can find enormous success..
1. Sports Career. Learned to drive forward to reach difficult goals. Learned the value of teamwork.
2. Mission. Learned compassion and love for different kinds of people. Learned to not be so hard on myself.
3. Marriage. Became a father of 6 incredible human beings who have brought great love and joy to my life.
How would you judge my success based on these observations?
Well, if you look at what I value most which is my relationship with God, my family, and my own consistent progress, I can say I have done well. I am, what I would consider, a success.
When I look around me, there will always be people who seem to be more successful. They may be more financially rewarded, they may be better tennis players, they may have solid and loving marriages, they may have this and that and the list could go on and on.
The conditions on this earth are never exactly the same for any of us. We have our own unique personalities, our own unique strengths and weaknesses. Also, our opportunities vary as well.
Here's another example:
There are two salesmen that work for ABC company. Salesman #1 has an incredible year. He blows out his number. Salesman #2 works hard but comes up short, 5% below his number for that same year. Does logic dictate that salesman #1 is automatically more successful? Not necessarily. A lot has to do with circumstances, individual conditions in their territories, funding etc. etc.
What really counts for us as it relates to true success is what we do with what we are given. That's what the Lord will judge us on. What did I do with the hand I've been dealt? We each have opportunities no matter what setbacks we have suffered. What are we going to do now with those opportunities?
In many ways, divorce from a difficult and painful marriage is in reality, a fantastic opportunity to reinvent, rebuild, and to do things we could never do before.
Would I have ever have written this blog if it weren't for my divorce? Would I have ever met the hundreds of beautiful people I've met now, if I had stayed in my difficult marriage? The answer is no and the real truth is that I am successful and so are you if you choose to see it and you choose to make it a reality.
Let's make it a reality. Define what is truly important and go for it. There is no question that we will all be successful.
Saturday, March 19, 2016
My Growing Satisfaction Since Life Turned
So what else have I learned from my experiences so far post divorce?
A lot.
It's been about 2 and half years now since the divorce. I must say that I'm in a much more peaceful place than before. I'm healthier physically, more at peace emotionally, recovered significantly financially from the trauma suffered. A little time has been my friend. I look back and feel good about how far I've come. I can take a sigh of relief and congratulate myself and thank Heavenly Father for His tender mercies. I'm doing as well as can be expected. I can respect myself. Miles have been traversed.
I used to look at others and see how successful their lives appeared to be. They seemed to float along with no opposition while I was always struggling with so many challenges. "So much more opportunity and reward" I would think to myself. "Why not me?" The red in me drives me on. I was born with it. It's a good thing. But what I've come to realize is that despite all my temporary losses, I've done my best with the opportunities that I've been given. I've made the most of them. That is the definition of success for me. All our circumstances and opportunities are different. That's just the way it is.
One circumstance is that I'm single. There is nothing wrong with being single. It's just not where I want to stay ultimately. I still feel the missing piece of the puzzle since my divorce, but my concept of time and timing has expanded. The urgency has tapered off. My kids have to be considered strongly in the equation. A favorable set of circumstances must be brought into alignment in order for me to have a companion again. All I can do is prepare and wait upon the Lord. I believe he will help me, that he is helping me. I am doing my part. I am not passive. My kids are preparing also. They have adjusted to their lives as children with parents living separately. They are open. They are resilient. When things are right, we will be ready.
I thought for awhile that I couldn't love again, that I would be riding on an endless carousel of meetings but never be able to love or deepen my relationships. I've since learned that there is nothing wrong with my heart.
People ask me why I'm not married already, why I don't have someone. "Surely you're a unicorn!" they say, a divorced LDS man that is still on the path "That's rare" they tell me. "You can have your pick" they tell me. "The odds are all in your favor" they tell me. "You are just too picky."
Well it's not all as easy as they think. I'm a thoughtful one, not given to rushing. I'm also cautious. I've gone through the ultimate rejection. I choose to reject that rejection. It will not define me nor will it stop me from loving again, but it will make me more cautious and more observant than ever I was before. I have a lifetime of experience now and I will use it. I'm interested in something that will last. I'll be darned if I will accept being underappreciated or disrespected again. I have a radar to it now.
In the meantime I work and I raise my kids. I play tennis. I go dancing. I fulfill my callings. I say my prayers. I try to help those around me. I live a productive life.
I will say that as a single man, I don't stay home. I actively date and go to social events. Staying home would be the death of me. I'm not made that way. When I go to these events I don't think about meeting my future wife too much there. I go to have fun and to enrich my life with friends and experiences. I have a choice. If I'm lucky enough to meet someone I'm interested in, I'll pursue it. But for me, to willingly deny myself of these experiences would only depress me and leave me more open to temptation and my own weaknesses. I refuse to do that. It's a part of my life that needs to be nourished just as my physical body needs to be nourished and my spirit needs to be nourished. I believe it is what the Lord expects.
What about you my brothers and sisters? Are you growing as well? Please respond and let us all know. How long has it been and how have you grown since your life turned?
Blessings to all! Upward and onward!
A lot.
It's been about 2 and half years now since the divorce. I must say that I'm in a much more peaceful place than before. I'm healthier physically, more at peace emotionally, recovered significantly financially from the trauma suffered. A little time has been my friend. I look back and feel good about how far I've come. I can take a sigh of relief and congratulate myself and thank Heavenly Father for His tender mercies. I'm doing as well as can be expected. I can respect myself. Miles have been traversed.
I used to look at others and see how successful their lives appeared to be. They seemed to float along with no opposition while I was always struggling with so many challenges. "So much more opportunity and reward" I would think to myself. "Why not me?" The red in me drives me on. I was born with it. It's a good thing. But what I've come to realize is that despite all my temporary losses, I've done my best with the opportunities that I've been given. I've made the most of them. That is the definition of success for me. All our circumstances and opportunities are different. That's just the way it is.
One circumstance is that I'm single. There is nothing wrong with being single. It's just not where I want to stay ultimately. I still feel the missing piece of the puzzle since my divorce, but my concept of time and timing has expanded. The urgency has tapered off. My kids have to be considered strongly in the equation. A favorable set of circumstances must be brought into alignment in order for me to have a companion again. All I can do is prepare and wait upon the Lord. I believe he will help me, that he is helping me. I am doing my part. I am not passive. My kids are preparing also. They have adjusted to their lives as children with parents living separately. They are open. They are resilient. When things are right, we will be ready.
I thought for awhile that I couldn't love again, that I would be riding on an endless carousel of meetings but never be able to love or deepen my relationships. I've since learned that there is nothing wrong with my heart.
People ask me why I'm not married already, why I don't have someone. "Surely you're a unicorn!" they say, a divorced LDS man that is still on the path "That's rare" they tell me. "You can have your pick" they tell me. "The odds are all in your favor" they tell me. "You are just too picky."
Well it's not all as easy as they think. I'm a thoughtful one, not given to rushing. I'm also cautious. I've gone through the ultimate rejection. I choose to reject that rejection. It will not define me nor will it stop me from loving again, but it will make me more cautious and more observant than ever I was before. I have a lifetime of experience now and I will use it. I'm interested in something that will last. I'll be darned if I will accept being underappreciated or disrespected again. I have a radar to it now.
In the meantime I work and I raise my kids. I play tennis. I go dancing. I fulfill my callings. I say my prayers. I try to help those around me. I live a productive life.
I will say that as a single man, I don't stay home. I actively date and go to social events. Staying home would be the death of me. I'm not made that way. When I go to these events I don't think about meeting my future wife too much there. I go to have fun and to enrich my life with friends and experiences. I have a choice. If I'm lucky enough to meet someone I'm interested in, I'll pursue it. But for me, to willingly deny myself of these experiences would only depress me and leave me more open to temptation and my own weaknesses. I refuse to do that. It's a part of my life that needs to be nourished just as my physical body needs to be nourished and my spirit needs to be nourished. I believe it is what the Lord expects.
What about you my brothers and sisters? Are you growing as well? Please respond and let us all know. How long has it been and how have you grown since your life turned?
Blessings to all! Upward and onward!
Saturday, November 14, 2015
My first Lessons from Dating in My Second Life
It's been several months since I've written in this blog. Sometimes I forget how cathartic writing can be, how it can be a source of comfort and revelation in and of itself. So as my journey continues on this planet, I'll write here again periodically and I'll share it. I'll keep learning and perhaps others can make connections and realizations and grow along with me. We are all on this path of progression. We are all brothers and sisters experiencing feelings common to the human condition. We are all on the pathway back to God, so should we not share and help each other along? I think so.
Time keeps passing and nothing can slow it down. Change is inevitable. 25 years ago I came to a major transition in life. I left the world of young singlehood and became a husband. I accepted that I would no longer search, no longer flirt, no longer play with anyone of the opposite sex other than my new wife. I made that transition, and I believe that I made it well. My identity grew and I grew because I accepted and embraced the new responsibilities that married life brought to me. I became a father and my responsibilities grew ten fold. The load, though heavy, only developed me inside. I changed, I believe, into something better than I was before, more developed as an individual, stronger and more capable, also more understanding, more loving.
When a new role, such as becoming a husband and father becomes incorporated into you, it grafts itself into your very fibers and weaves itself into your DNA, so when that role gets interrupted, such as is my case with divorce, it is a great shock to the system. Suddenly you are asked to change again, to deal with something that you thought was a closed chapter. You are faced with embracing parts of your personality that haven't been seen in years.
When my divorce was final, two years ago, like many other men, I immediately started dating. I know the rule is to go slow with these things, but there was a huge gaping hole in my life, and I wanted to fill it up immediately. I saw no value in me being alone. I didn't see the good that could come from it or how it could teach me and develop me. After experiencing the acute loss of love from a spouse, I wanted and needed and still do need love. So I didn't hesitate to search for it. Remember, I'm a salesman by profession. I'm not afraid to prospect.
I very quickly found someone who I had known before, and I reached out to her. I was very pleasantly surprised when she accepted my friendship and was also open to something more. I can't tell you how nice it was to feel appreciated again and to share a romantic feeling. It had been a long time since the estrangement from my former wife began. I hadn't experienced any of those loving feelings for a long time. At first it was strange to even touch another woman that wasn't my spouse after all those years of marriage. I was awkward and I didn't know what to do or how to proceed. That soon melted away as soon as I got near her. Oh ya! I remember this. This is easy! This is nice! I could get used to it!
Soon we were talking on the phone every day, texting, flirting, etc. It was wonderful. I was getting that high again that I got all those years ago when I was courting my ex. Yep. It was a good boost to my self image for me to see that an attractive woman could appreciate me and see in me, some value. In a difficult marriage, I had managed to find validation for myself when I wasn't getting any from my spouse. I'll admit, however, it feels absolutely wonderful to receive that from someone of the opposite sex that you are interested in. There's nothing like that.
One thing I noticed during this time was that I found myself acting like a husband again, at least in my own mind. Unconsciously I began reassuming my old role, the role that I had played for 23 years. I had not yet made the emotional transition from being married to being single. If I've learned anything through all my experience is that time is needed to make transitions and we need to make those transitions a little bit at a time and not all in one fell swoop. That's how it works. Overload yourself with transitions you are not ready for and you will end up in the same poor position as before only compounded. That's why we see lots of second marriages crash. I'm hoping to avoid that if I can.
So, as intense as I felt for a time, I realized after a few months, that I was in no condition to continue. I had not dated or gotten to know any other women. I still didn't know myself and what was best for me as a single person. I had not taken the time to heal. I still had much hurt and anger toward my former spouse. How would that ever be of benefit to a new woman in my life? It would be unfair to her to have to deal with it. Also, would it be good for my children, after seeing their mom immediately jump into a relationship with a former neighbor, to then watch their dad jump into a relationship too, as if my marriage to their mom had never mattered at all? No way. No way.
Children are resilient, but mine were hurting just as much as I was, especially my daughters, one of which was out of the country serving a mission for the church. I couldn't be practically married when she returned home. I can just see it. "Welcome home my beautiful daughter. Your mom and I are divorced now since you left and by the way we are both marrying other people and all while you were out of the country serving the Lord and teaching people about eternal families. Surprise!"
No, no. I needed to be there for my daughter when she got home. I needed to help her transition herself from all the enormous changes she was going through at the time. I needed to prepare both of my oldest daughters for their marriages that just took place this past summer. This was critical time, crucial time and I would not fail in my responsibility and I had to do it alone. It could work no other way without hurting my girls more and this was something I was not willing to do.
So I had to recuse myself from that first transitional relationship. I was not ready to proceed forward although I thought I wanted to for awhile. I was not ready and neither were any of my children. That didn't make it easy on me. The heart wants what it wants, but there is time for everything, and if you are wise, you will proceed with caution and let the Lord lead the way. However long it takes, all things work out for the best for those who love Him.
So that was my first experience with dating in my second life. I feel like I've come many miles since then and learned many more lessons that perhaps I'll share in the future as I feel guided or prompted. I hope that some of this makes sense or resonates with those of you who may stumble across this blog. I am a big believer of great things coming for all of us but I also believe that all things have their proper time.
Thanks for listening my friends. Upward and onward!
Time keeps passing and nothing can slow it down. Change is inevitable. 25 years ago I came to a major transition in life. I left the world of young singlehood and became a husband. I accepted that I would no longer search, no longer flirt, no longer play with anyone of the opposite sex other than my new wife. I made that transition, and I believe that I made it well. My identity grew and I grew because I accepted and embraced the new responsibilities that married life brought to me. I became a father and my responsibilities grew ten fold. The load, though heavy, only developed me inside. I changed, I believe, into something better than I was before, more developed as an individual, stronger and more capable, also more understanding, more loving.
When a new role, such as becoming a husband and father becomes incorporated into you, it grafts itself into your very fibers and weaves itself into your DNA, so when that role gets interrupted, such as is my case with divorce, it is a great shock to the system. Suddenly you are asked to change again, to deal with something that you thought was a closed chapter. You are faced with embracing parts of your personality that haven't been seen in years.
When my divorce was final, two years ago, like many other men, I immediately started dating. I know the rule is to go slow with these things, but there was a huge gaping hole in my life, and I wanted to fill it up immediately. I saw no value in me being alone. I didn't see the good that could come from it or how it could teach me and develop me. After experiencing the acute loss of love from a spouse, I wanted and needed and still do need love. So I didn't hesitate to search for it. Remember, I'm a salesman by profession. I'm not afraid to prospect.
I very quickly found someone who I had known before, and I reached out to her. I was very pleasantly surprised when she accepted my friendship and was also open to something more. I can't tell you how nice it was to feel appreciated again and to share a romantic feeling. It had been a long time since the estrangement from my former wife began. I hadn't experienced any of those loving feelings for a long time. At first it was strange to even touch another woman that wasn't my spouse after all those years of marriage. I was awkward and I didn't know what to do or how to proceed. That soon melted away as soon as I got near her. Oh ya! I remember this. This is easy! This is nice! I could get used to it!
Soon we were talking on the phone every day, texting, flirting, etc. It was wonderful. I was getting that high again that I got all those years ago when I was courting my ex. Yep. It was a good boost to my self image for me to see that an attractive woman could appreciate me and see in me, some value. In a difficult marriage, I had managed to find validation for myself when I wasn't getting any from my spouse. I'll admit, however, it feels absolutely wonderful to receive that from someone of the opposite sex that you are interested in. There's nothing like that.
One thing I noticed during this time was that I found myself acting like a husband again, at least in my own mind. Unconsciously I began reassuming my old role, the role that I had played for 23 years. I had not yet made the emotional transition from being married to being single. If I've learned anything through all my experience is that time is needed to make transitions and we need to make those transitions a little bit at a time and not all in one fell swoop. That's how it works. Overload yourself with transitions you are not ready for and you will end up in the same poor position as before only compounded. That's why we see lots of second marriages crash. I'm hoping to avoid that if I can.
So, as intense as I felt for a time, I realized after a few months, that I was in no condition to continue. I had not dated or gotten to know any other women. I still didn't know myself and what was best for me as a single person. I had not taken the time to heal. I still had much hurt and anger toward my former spouse. How would that ever be of benefit to a new woman in my life? It would be unfair to her to have to deal with it. Also, would it be good for my children, after seeing their mom immediately jump into a relationship with a former neighbor, to then watch their dad jump into a relationship too, as if my marriage to their mom had never mattered at all? No way. No way.
Children are resilient, but mine were hurting just as much as I was, especially my daughters, one of which was out of the country serving a mission for the church. I couldn't be practically married when she returned home. I can just see it. "Welcome home my beautiful daughter. Your mom and I are divorced now since you left and by the way we are both marrying other people and all while you were out of the country serving the Lord and teaching people about eternal families. Surprise!"
No, no. I needed to be there for my daughter when she got home. I needed to help her transition herself from all the enormous changes she was going through at the time. I needed to prepare both of my oldest daughters for their marriages that just took place this past summer. This was critical time, crucial time and I would not fail in my responsibility and I had to do it alone. It could work no other way without hurting my girls more and this was something I was not willing to do.
So I had to recuse myself from that first transitional relationship. I was not ready to proceed forward although I thought I wanted to for awhile. I was not ready and neither were any of my children. That didn't make it easy on me. The heart wants what it wants, but there is time for everything, and if you are wise, you will proceed with caution and let the Lord lead the way. However long it takes, all things work out for the best for those who love Him.
So that was my first experience with dating in my second life. I feel like I've come many miles since then and learned many more lessons that perhaps I'll share in the future as I feel guided or prompted. I hope that some of this makes sense or resonates with those of you who may stumble across this blog. I am a big believer of great things coming for all of us but I also believe that all things have their proper time.
Thanks for listening my friends. Upward and onward!
Thursday, July 9, 2015
The Blessings of Being Single
This message is a shout out to all my single friends out in the world! It's also a message to all you happily married folks who have friends and family who are single who may or may not want to hold that status. As I come to singlehood via divorce, this post will reflect that reality. I recognize that there are other paths to get here to singlehood and I respect them as well.
What I want to focus on now is my single reality. What about my life now? Does it still have as much value as before? Can I still experience the same joy and fulillment? Well, apart from finding the ultimate partner in life, I do believe that you can have substantial joy and fulfillment as a single person.
Lastly, I feel as though being a divorced single person has given me a new and unique understanding and love of so many people who have suffered. I feel that it is part of my life mission to travel this divorced single path for at least a while, however long I must. I believe that it has been necessary for my spiritual development and I believe that I agreed to take on this challenge before coming to this earth. I now have eyes to see and ears to hear and love to give that I did not have in as much abundance as I do now.
Let me preface this by saying that I recognize that there exists within the human heart, a natural desire for men and women to come together to form unions. This is quite right. It's part of God's plan of happiness. "The man is not without the woman neither the woman without the man in the Lord." My oldest daughter just got married and my second daughter is not far behind. I couldn't be more happy for them.
I also was married for a long time and though my road was rocky, I am so glad for what I learned from the experience and of course, what I got in return, which were six incredible children.
I am now single whether I like it or not. Despite my own hardship and after having gone through the pain of divorce, I have not lost faith in marriage, and it is my sincere hope to find the right partner someday and I am working on that.
What I want to focus on now is my single reality. What about my life now? Does it still have as much value as before? Can I still experience the same joy and fulillment? Well, apart from finding the ultimate partner in life, I do believe that you can have substantial joy and fulfillment as a single person.
In the here and now, I have been blessed beyond measure. I believe that over time, I have come to accept my life the way it is with its' challenges and opportunities. I believe that the time I'm living in now is a special time. It's a time of healing and preparation and hope. Yes, I do get lonely and yes there is still pain, but overall I would have to say I am in a tremendously good position and it keeps getting better for me.
Here are some examples of the good things that have happened for me since I became single.
First, I am free. I am free from the enormous pressure of trying to make something work when that something was not wanted by the person I was with. That kind of pressure is a very heavy cross to bear and takes a toll on you both physically and emotionally. When you compound that pressure over many years, it becomes almost unbearable. Being released from that kind of weight is, in and of itself, a tremendous relief. As a result of being set free, I am stronger physically, spritually, and emotionally than I was two years ago and it keeps getting better on all fronts.
Second, being single has only enhanced my relationship with God. I have continued to rely heavily on Him for my support. Because of my unique needs, I feel that I can approach the Lord for special help in my circumstances and with my children and in my career and in all other aspects of my life. When I am in need of comfort, I go directly to Him and I receive the assurance I need. Never has he left me alone but has given me the strength I need and the inspiration to do great things.
Third, my relationships are enriched and enhanced. As a single person I have been able to spend so much more meaningful time with my family including my parents and siblings. They felt I was gone for all those married years, and indeed I was to a great extent, because 99% of my time and effort was spent on maintaining a fragile marriage and setting a foundation for my children. There was little room for anything else. I have an even better relationship with my children now than I did before because I am more free to be who I am with them and to let them be who they are. Several of my children have made this observation. They feel closer to me. My children also enjoy a much more rich and beautiful relationship with my parents and my brothers and sisters. That is an eternal blessing that they will come to appreciate more and more as time passes.
I have also have had the precious blessing of meeting incredible friends, My life has been touched by so many wonderful individuals who I never would have met had I not been single. Even the dates and relationships I have had, have provided me with great healing, learning, and inspiration. Hopefully I have contributed something positive to their lives as well. I have met many other travelers on this road who have gone through something similar. We have a bond now because we know similar pains and have fought similar battles. I'm a believer that we are part of each other's lives for a reason and that reason is to lift and help one another.
Fourth, I have more freedom to pursue and develop my talents. Because, as I mentioned before, I was constantly working so hard on the home front, I barely had time for many years to do anything that I wanted to do to develop my talents in the areas I'm passionate about. I started to work on them a few years previous to the divorce, but now I feel that I am unfettered and am enjoying even greater opportunities to develop and enjoy success. There is enormous satisfaction in life from finding something you love to do and working to get better at it. Now I can do that without any of the restrictions I felt before.
Lastly, I feel as though being a divorced single person has given me a new and unique understanding and love of so many people who have suffered. I feel that it is part of my life mission to travel this divorced single path for at least a while, however long I must. I believe that it has been necessary for my spiritual development and I believe that I agreed to take on this challenge before coming to this earth. I now have eyes to see and ears to hear and love to give that I did not have in as much abundance as I do now.
So, fellow single people, and people anywhere reading this blog whatever your marital status is, enjoy your life and the richness it offers. Take the beauty in any circumstance. Look to God and live. He will make much more out of our lives than we can. Just remember.
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