My first Lessons from Dating in My Second Life

It's been several months since I've written in this blog.  Sometimes I forget how cathartic writing can be, how it can be a source of comfort and revelation in and of itself.  So as my journey continues on this planet, I'll write here again periodically and I'll share it.  I'll keep learning and perhaps others can make connections and realizations and grow along with me.  We are all on this path of progression. We are all brothers and sisters experiencing feelings common to the human condition.  We are all on the pathway back to God, so should we not share and help each other along?  I think so.

Time keeps passing and nothing can slow it down.  Change is inevitable.  25 years ago I came to a major transition in life.  I left the world of young singlehood and became a husband.  I accepted that I would no longer search, no longer flirt, no longer play with anyone of the opposite sex other than my new wife.  I made that transition, and I believe that I made it well.  My identity grew and I grew because I accepted and embraced the new responsibilities that married life brought to me.  I became a father and my responsibilities grew ten fold.  The load, though heavy, only developed me inside. I changed, I believe, into something better than I was before, more developed as an individual, stronger and more capable, also more understanding, more loving.

When a new role, such as becoming a husband and father becomes incorporated into you, it grafts itself into your very fibers and weaves itself into your DNA, so when that role gets interrupted, such as is my case with divorce, it is a great shock to the system.  Suddenly you are asked to change again, to deal with something that you thought was a closed chapter.  You are faced with embracing parts of your personality that haven't been seen in years.

When my divorce was final, two years ago, like many other men, I immediately started dating. I know the rule is to go slow with these things, but there was a huge gaping hole in my life, and I wanted to fill it up immediately.  I saw no value in me being alone.  I didn't see the good that could come from it or how it could teach me and develop me.  After experiencing the acute loss of love from a spouse, I wanted and needed and still do need love.  So I didn't hesitate to search for it. Remember, I'm a salesman by profession. I'm not afraid to prospect.

I very quickly found someone who I had known before, and I reached out to her.  I was very pleasantly surprised when she accepted my friendship and was also open to something more. I can't tell you how nice it was to feel appreciated again and to share a romantic feeling.  It had been a long time since the estrangement from my former wife began. I hadn't experienced any of those loving feelings for a long time. At first it was strange to even touch another woman that wasn't my spouse after all those years of marriage.  I was awkward and I didn't know what to do or how to proceed. That soon melted away as soon as I got near her.  Oh ya!  I remember this.  This is easy! This is nice! I could get used to it!

Soon we were talking on the phone every day, texting, flirting, etc.  It was wonderful.  I was getting that high again that I got all those years ago when I was courting my ex. Yep.  It was a good boost to my self image for me to see that an attractive woman could appreciate me and see in me, some value. In a difficult marriage, I had managed to find validation for myself when I wasn't getting any from my spouse. I'll admit, however, it feels absolutely wonderful to receive that from someone of the opposite sex that you are interested in. There's nothing like that.

One thing I noticed during this time was that I found myself acting like a husband again, at least in my own mind. Unconsciously I began reassuming my old role, the role that I had played for 23 years. I had not yet made the emotional transition from being married to being single.  If I've learned anything through all my experience is that time is needed to make transitions and we need to make those transitions a little bit at a time and not all in one fell swoop.  That's how it works.  Overload yourself with transitions you are not ready for and you will end up in the same poor position as before only compounded.  That's why we see lots of second marriages crash.  I'm hoping to avoid that if I can.

So, as intense as I felt for a time, I realized after a few months, that I was in no condition to continue. I had not dated or gotten to know any other women.  I still didn't know myself and what was best for me as a single person.  I had not taken the time to heal.  I still had much hurt and anger toward my former spouse.  How would that ever be of benefit to a new woman in my life?  It would be unfair to her to have to deal with it.  Also, would it be good for my children, after seeing their mom immediately jump into a relationship with a former neighbor, to then watch their dad jump into a relationship too, as if my marriage to their mom had never mattered at all?  No way.  No way.

Children are resilient, but mine were hurting just as much as I was, especially my daughters, one of which was out of the country serving a mission for the church. I couldn't be practically married when she returned home.  I can just see it.  "Welcome home my beautiful daughter.  Your mom and I are divorced now since you left and by the way we are both marrying other people and all while you were out of the country serving the Lord and teaching people about eternal families. Surprise!"

No, no.  I needed to be there for my daughter when she got home.  I needed to help her transition herself from all the enormous changes she was going through at the time. I needed to prepare both of my oldest daughters for their marriages that just took place this past summer.  This was critical time, crucial time and I would not fail in my responsibility and I had to do it alone.  It could work no other way without hurting my girls more and this was something I was not willing to do.

So I had to recuse myself from that first transitional relationship.  I was not ready to proceed forward although I thought I wanted to for awhile.  I was not ready and neither were any of my children.  That didn't make it easy on me.  The heart wants what it wants, but there is time for everything, and if you are wise, you will proceed with caution and let the Lord lead the way.  However long it takes, all things work out for the best for those who love Him.

So that was my first experience with dating in my second life.  I feel like I've come many miles since then and learned many more lessons that perhaps I'll share in the future as I feel guided or prompted. I hope that some of this makes sense or resonates with those of you who may stumble across this blog.  I am a big believer of great things coming for all of us but I also believe that all things have their proper time.

Thanks for listening my friends.  Upward and onward!