I was looking back over some of my journals last night from over a year ago. I hadn't read those entries for quite a while. They were the entries of when I was trying to save my marriage. It was a time of severe trial and exquisite emotional pain. Entry after entry was full of angst and crying out to the Lord. Night after night as I was alone in my room I found myself constantly writing in my journal. I was desperately trying to release the toxic emotions out of my body and into the atmosphere for some semblance of relief. It was the only way I could cope and it was the only thing I knew to help me keep my sanity or make any sense out of my life. In the midst of that, I lost my job, experienced huge financial pressures as result of decisions made by my spouse over a long period of time and also great fear of what would become of me and my children. I also feared that I had lost all my chances and the promises of my patriarchal blessing and other pressures that I don't care to mention in this post. I had been through many trials before that time, but the feelings I had then, were the most acute of them all; and the thing that filled me full of the most absolute dread, was the idea of having to break my children's hearts. The idea of telling them was just inconceivable to me and filled me with horror. I can only liken that time to the feeling of being on your back with a 200 pound rock on your chest while someone sticks a knife in your gut and twists. This on top of a growing suspicion that I had been betrayed and rejected for another and that the person had been my friend. This is my poor attempt to describe where I was a year and a half ago and the feelings I was experiencing.
I used to think that those of us living in modern times could not compare with the pioneers or saints from past eras because of all they went through. I have since come to believe that the Lord can try us to the core in these times just as well as he could in the past. He can develop us just as much in the here and now. There is no limit placed on our spiritual growth potential in our mortal experience. It's all a matter of how we choose to embrace our trials. We can suffer in a Godly way which turns us into gold or we can allow our trials to canker and embitter us to where we lose all our chances for joy. I am choosing the latter.
I am tired of living in the past. I have come a very long way since those bitter feelings engulfed me. I want to more fully embrace the idea of "Men are that they might have joy."
I wrote in my last post about how Heavenly Father has created a new way for me to see my life. It took a long time for those realizations to set in, but once they did, that 200 pound rock disappeared and the knife got pulled out of my stomach. My wounds are healing.
I still can't say that I have no anger for my ex, because I still do. I guess that one will take some more time for me, but as far as how I see myself and my life mission, I have improved leaps and bounds and it has provided me with the kind of freedom that I have longed for over many years. I can't tell you how much better I feel.
I don't want to stop here either. I still want to rebuild my life completely and there are some missing components to it. Those things missing will be filled over time, but I have come so far in my one year since my divorce that I am amazed and I believe the Lord is on my side helping me build more and more. Should I have ever doubted that he would help? No. I've been talking with him non stop about what I want to do in the second half of my life and how I want to finish out my mission on this earth. He hears me. He knows what I want to do and what I want to accomplish. In my mind I hear him answer me. "I'm working on it. All in it's proper time. You can't skip any steps, Brett. Little by little and all will be placed in its' proper position. All the empty spaces will be filled. Just trust me." And so I do. I still believe and I still trust, and every day a little something changes for the better. Over time all the little improvements add up to a great deal.
So I guess the moral of the story is this: Honor your past, but don't live there. Each stage of life brings it's own opportunities and joys. Each stage has been specially designed for our growth. Let's not be satisfied in resting where we are. If we can catch a glimpse of our true selve's and our true potential, then let's take the steps now to get ourselves to that place. As we do so, the Lord will carry us on his wings. I will not say that we are now done with all pain yet, but the day is coming when we will experience it no more. For now, let's allow our pain to sanctify us and change us inside to grow to be who we are meant to be. There is no other way on the Celestial path. We have to walk through it. It's by design and for our good. We signed up for this. We knew what we would have to face, but we rejoiced in it.
So I'm walking with you now brothers and sisters, on our divorce path, and honestly, I'm glad to have your company.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Your Personal Mission on this Earth
Have you ever felt like your mission on this earth, the promises made to you in blessings, or your special dreams have just been shattered, ripped apart or destroyed? It's easy for us divorced folks to feel that way. Very easy. The biggest dream of all, the idea of an eternal marriage has been ripped from us like a new scab off an old wound and the wound seems to keep oozing no matter how many bandages we apply.
The truth is that we all want to feel special. We all want to feel that we are important to the Lord, to feel that he hasn't forgotten us, that we each have a wonderful and beautiful mission to fulfill in this life. We want happy outcomes and happy endings. We want all things to fall into place the way we think they are supposed to. We all want to accomplish what we set out to do and we don't particularly enjoy all the opposition and detours that we constantly get hit with, and of course, we all want this to happen in our own time.
I have struggled with these feelings for many years, even before my divorce. I've had many challenges that I won't go in to detail about in this post, but suffice it to say that I've always had big dreams and have always felt thwarted, like I was being held back, like I could never use my talents or that I was constantly being looked over. It's been hard for me because of my very enthusiastic and intense spirit. It has been one of my greatest challenges in the first half of my life and it has caused me much discomfort over the years.
Well, all those feelings were intensified and exacerbated through this divorce process. To feel like your number one calling as a husband has been rejected by your spouse and your dream of an eternal marriage and family has been dashed to pieces is a bitter, bitter pill to swallow. I really don't feel that it was my fault. Though I was imperfect, I still didn't deserve what was handed to me. Still, to have so many reversals happen over the course of my life time has not been easy. They have seemed to come repeatedly to me. Sometimes I have felt like Satan has placed a wager with God about whether I'll stay faithful or not, like he did with Job. The Lord just turns around and says, "Go ahead. Try him." Then Satan unleashes all hell on me and kicks me up and down the street. Luckily, he has limits imposed and can't go too far or give me more than I can handle, but he comes close. Somehow I manage to pick myself up off the ground and recover enough to fight another day. I end up healing for awhile and then the bell rings again and I'm off to another knock down drag out fight with adversary. The rounds take everything I've got to survive and I'm bruised and bloody, but I'm still standing. My spirit is not broken.
Recently, I've had a great mercy bestowed upon me. In counseling with friends and family and especially in talks with one particular friend, I have come to see myself in a much truer light. I feel as though a great burden has been lifted off me. By having an outside observer take a look at my life path and circumstances, I have been able to put one critical puzzle piece into place. With this piece put in its proper place, now all the other pieces start to rapidly fit together. The puzzle is not done yet, I don't know everything about my life, but I've been able to view part one in a way that makes so much sense and casts such a positive light on what I've done and accomplished thus far, that all my shame and regret have melted away. I can view myself as the hero in my own story now instead of the one that's always thwarted, marred and held back.
This process has taken a long time. I have received no visions or dreams. The positive realizations have come as a result of self reflection, study of the gospel, striving to be completely honest with myself, listening to the input of loving friends and family, and of course, most of all, listening to the still small voice of the spirit.
I can say with complete confidence now:
1. I have no shame for having gone through a divorce.
2. I have no shame for not having more financial achievement thus far in life or that I suffered financial reversals because of things I couldn't control in my marriage and as a result of the divorce itself.
3. I have no shame that I have not had more success in my career.
4. I have no shame that I have not had greater callings in church.
5. I have no regret that I did not develop more talents when I was younger or that I didn't have the chance to develop them or that my development was interrupted in some of them.
These are all things that have vexed me over the years.
Now:
a. I am confident that my life has been one that pleases the Lord.
b. I believe that my calling as a father to my specific children has been foreordained.
c. I believe that my calling as a father to them has been my true calling and that it has superseded anything else.
d. I believe that I chose to be a transformational person for my children and for my ex's family line.
e. I believe that I have been willing to sacrifice everything to fulfill my calling and that my life decisions have reflected that focus.
f. I believe that I knew my mission before this life and that I accepted it and rejoiced in it.
g. I believe that many of the promises spoken of in my patriarchal blessing will begin to be unfolded in part two of my life, beginning now.
I am not perfect of course. I'm still a work in progress, but these truths have become my truths and they have changed everything. I have become liberated. I can go forward in part two of my life with no shame, and when the Lord sees fit to reveal to me a new companion, I won't have my hurt or disappointment overshadowing our relationship. I'll be able to give to her freely as she deserves and together we will complete our story.
I know that we can all have these realizations come to us. Yours may come in a dream or a vision. Mine came in another way that is no less significant. The truth is out there brothers and sisters, whatever that truth may be. I encourage you to put in the time and effort to discover your own. We cannot control how and when the Lord will choose to reveal these things to us, but he will not withhold that information as we diligently seek to understand and are willing to submit and accept all that he reveals. Until then, keep moving forward in faith. Your time is coming.
I believe that I'm part of great group of divorce survivors in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. You are all still wonderful people with fabulous things yet to accomplish in this life. I feel that it's my privilege to walk this path with you.
Thank you all for listening. May you all discover the beautiful truth about yourselves. You are all heroes!
The truth is that we all want to feel special. We all want to feel that we are important to the Lord, to feel that he hasn't forgotten us, that we each have a wonderful and beautiful mission to fulfill in this life. We want happy outcomes and happy endings. We want all things to fall into place the way we think they are supposed to. We all want to accomplish what we set out to do and we don't particularly enjoy all the opposition and detours that we constantly get hit with, and of course, we all want this to happen in our own time.
I have struggled with these feelings for many years, even before my divorce. I've had many challenges that I won't go in to detail about in this post, but suffice it to say that I've always had big dreams and have always felt thwarted, like I was being held back, like I could never use my talents or that I was constantly being looked over. It's been hard for me because of my very enthusiastic and intense spirit. It has been one of my greatest challenges in the first half of my life and it has caused me much discomfort over the years.
Well, all those feelings were intensified and exacerbated through this divorce process. To feel like your number one calling as a husband has been rejected by your spouse and your dream of an eternal marriage and family has been dashed to pieces is a bitter, bitter pill to swallow. I really don't feel that it was my fault. Though I was imperfect, I still didn't deserve what was handed to me. Still, to have so many reversals happen over the course of my life time has not been easy. They have seemed to come repeatedly to me. Sometimes I have felt like Satan has placed a wager with God about whether I'll stay faithful or not, like he did with Job. The Lord just turns around and says, "Go ahead. Try him." Then Satan unleashes all hell on me and kicks me up and down the street. Luckily, he has limits imposed and can't go too far or give me more than I can handle, but he comes close. Somehow I manage to pick myself up off the ground and recover enough to fight another day. I end up healing for awhile and then the bell rings again and I'm off to another knock down drag out fight with adversary. The rounds take everything I've got to survive and I'm bruised and bloody, but I'm still standing. My spirit is not broken.
Recently, I've had a great mercy bestowed upon me. In counseling with friends and family and especially in talks with one particular friend, I have come to see myself in a much truer light. I feel as though a great burden has been lifted off me. By having an outside observer take a look at my life path and circumstances, I have been able to put one critical puzzle piece into place. With this piece put in its proper place, now all the other pieces start to rapidly fit together. The puzzle is not done yet, I don't know everything about my life, but I've been able to view part one in a way that makes so much sense and casts such a positive light on what I've done and accomplished thus far, that all my shame and regret have melted away. I can view myself as the hero in my own story now instead of the one that's always thwarted, marred and held back.
This process has taken a long time. I have received no visions or dreams. The positive realizations have come as a result of self reflection, study of the gospel, striving to be completely honest with myself, listening to the input of loving friends and family, and of course, most of all, listening to the still small voice of the spirit.
I can say with complete confidence now:
1. I have no shame for having gone through a divorce.
2. I have no shame for not having more financial achievement thus far in life or that I suffered financial reversals because of things I couldn't control in my marriage and as a result of the divorce itself.
3. I have no shame that I have not had more success in my career.
4. I have no shame that I have not had greater callings in church.
5. I have no regret that I did not develop more talents when I was younger or that I didn't have the chance to develop them or that my development was interrupted in some of them.
These are all things that have vexed me over the years.
Now:
a. I am confident that my life has been one that pleases the Lord.
b. I believe that my calling as a father to my specific children has been foreordained.
c. I believe that my calling as a father to them has been my true calling and that it has superseded anything else.
d. I believe that I chose to be a transformational person for my children and for my ex's family line.
e. I believe that I have been willing to sacrifice everything to fulfill my calling and that my life decisions have reflected that focus.
f. I believe that I knew my mission before this life and that I accepted it and rejoiced in it.
g. I believe that many of the promises spoken of in my patriarchal blessing will begin to be unfolded in part two of my life, beginning now.
I am not perfect of course. I'm still a work in progress, but these truths have become my truths and they have changed everything. I have become liberated. I can go forward in part two of my life with no shame, and when the Lord sees fit to reveal to me a new companion, I won't have my hurt or disappointment overshadowing our relationship. I'll be able to give to her freely as she deserves and together we will complete our story.
I know that we can all have these realizations come to us. Yours may come in a dream or a vision. Mine came in another way that is no less significant. The truth is out there brothers and sisters, whatever that truth may be. I encourage you to put in the time and effort to discover your own. We cannot control how and when the Lord will choose to reveal these things to us, but he will not withhold that information as we diligently seek to understand and are willing to submit and accept all that he reveals. Until then, keep moving forward in faith. Your time is coming.
I believe that I'm part of great group of divorce survivors in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. You are all still wonderful people with fabulous things yet to accomplish in this life. I feel that it's my privilege to walk this path with you.
Thank you all for listening. May you all discover the beautiful truth about yourselves. You are all heroes!
Thursday, October 9, 2014
The Ex's Wedding: Repercussions for my Kids
Last time I wrote about how my ex's wedding day was a liberation day for me. I think I did something great by having a party with wonderful and loving people. It was probably one of the smartest moves I've made in my post divorce healing. It was great for me and I still owe everyone who contributed. Thank you all!
It's been about a week since then and what I'm seeing now is that my ex's wedding day was something quite different for my oldest daughters. It wasn't a liberation day at all for them. It was a day of pain and sadness. Mind you, my oldest two never wanted to attend their mother's wedding. The thought of that caused anxiety and stress, but I told them that I thought they should go to help their younger siblings. In my mind, it was very important for them to provide an emotional support structure for each other. Just because their mom made decisions they don't agree with doesn't mean that they shouldn't pull together to love and support one another. I think in the end, they will see that it was good counsel. They were there for each other in a critical moment.
This is so difficult for me to see because I did everything I could to try to avoid this reality for them. My ex had no concept of what she did by taking the course she did. The repercussions of her decisions are extremely far reaching.
Maybe writing this will help others think about what their own children are going through. Maybe it will help prevent someone from doing something foolish in the future. Maybe it will bring focus on an issue that needs some attention. Maybe it's just for me.
I don't know what I can do to reverse all this for my girls. Honestly only the Lord can compensate for all our losses. I only say that I am there for my girls. I do everything I can for them. I call them frequently to see how they're doing and I'm able to counsel with them like never before. I believe that Heavenly Father is inspiring me on what to say to them. I love them.
My own mother is here for them too and my father. They have been amazing through all this. I think my divorce has carried blessings for us all in the fact that my children have been able to grow much closer to my parents than ever before.
I know that the Lord will raise up mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters for them as they grow and form families of their own, and that somehow, through the atonement, my children will lack for nothing.
It's been about a week since then and what I'm seeing now is that my ex's wedding day was something quite different for my oldest daughters. It wasn't a liberation day at all for them. It was a day of pain and sadness. Mind you, my oldest two never wanted to attend their mother's wedding. The thought of that caused anxiety and stress, but I told them that I thought they should go to help their younger siblings. In my mind, it was very important for them to provide an emotional support structure for each other. Just because their mom made decisions they don't agree with doesn't mean that they shouldn't pull together to love and support one another. I think in the end, they will see that it was good counsel. They were there for each other in a critical moment.
This is so difficult for me to see because I did everything I could to try to avoid this reality for them. My ex had no concept of what she did by taking the course she did. The repercussions of her decisions are extremely far reaching.
Maybe writing this will help others think about what their own children are going through. Maybe it will help prevent someone from doing something foolish in the future. Maybe it will bring focus on an issue that needs some attention. Maybe it's just for me.
I don't know what I can do to reverse all this for my girls. Honestly only the Lord can compensate for all our losses. I only say that I am there for my girls. I do everything I can for them. I call them frequently to see how they're doing and I'm able to counsel with them like never before. I believe that Heavenly Father is inspiring me on what to say to them. I love them.
My own mother is here for them too and my father. They have been amazing through all this. I think my divorce has carried blessings for us all in the fact that my children have been able to grow much closer to my parents than ever before.
I know that the Lord will raise up mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters for them as they grow and form families of their own, and that somehow, through the atonement, my children will lack for nothing.
Saturday, October 4, 2014
What to do on your Ex's Wedding Day
When I found out my ex was getting married I'll have to admit, my heart leapt within in me and my enthusiasm couldn't be contained. This was going to mean freedom, liberation and of course, no more alimony!
Having said that I knew that I may not get off that easy. I carefully decided to innoculate myself from any negative feelings by calling my friend Celinda.
"Celinda. Can you help me throw a party on my exe's wedding day?"
"Oh, heck ya!" was the reply. And so it began. A wonderful night of fun, laughter and great friendship.
If you want to get a party going, you need to get in touch of this awesome lady!
.jpg)
Don't forget the white elephant party!
Having said that I knew that I may not get off that easy. I carefully decided to innoculate myself from any negative feelings by calling my friend Celinda.
"Celinda. Can you help me throw a party on my exe's wedding day?"
"Oh, heck ya!" was the reply. And so it began. A wonderful night of fun, laughter and great friendship.
If you want to get a party going, you need to get in touch of this awesome lady!
Don't forget the white elephant party!
Add some awesome guests!
Including virtual friends!
Get a place for the kids to hang out!
Raffle yourself off for a lunch date!
Now you're set! No angst for the past. Only happy and wonderful memories with fellow travelers.
Thanks so much for your help Celinda Joy Carson and all who came and supported me!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)