Your Personal Mission on this Earth

Have you ever felt like your mission on this earth, the promises made to you in blessings, or your special dreams have just been shattered, ripped apart or destroyed? It's easy for us divorced folks to feel that way.  Very easy.  The biggest dream of all, the idea of an eternal marriage has been ripped from us like a new scab off an old wound and the wound seems to keep oozing no matter how many bandages we apply.

The truth is that we all want to feel special.  We all want to feel that we are important to the Lord, to feel that he hasn't forgotten us, that we each have a wonderful and beautiful mission to fulfill in this life.  We want happy outcomes and happy endings.  We want all things to fall into place the way we think they are supposed to.  We all want to accomplish what we set out to do and we don't particularly enjoy all the opposition and detours that we constantly get hit with, and of course, we all want this to happen in our own time.

I have struggled with these feelings for many years, even before my divorce.  I've had many challenges that I won't go in to detail about in this post, but suffice it to say that I've always had big dreams and have always felt thwarted, like I was being held back, like I could never use my talents or that I was constantly being looked over.   It's been hard for me because of my very enthusiastic and intense spirit.  It has been one of my greatest challenges in the first half of my life and it has caused me much discomfort over the years.

Well, all those feelings were intensified and exacerbated through this divorce process. To feel like your number one calling as a husband has been rejected by your spouse and your dream of an eternal marriage and family has been dashed to pieces is a bitter, bitter pill to swallow.  I really don't feel that it was my fault. Though I was imperfect, I still didn't deserve what was handed to me.  Still, to have so many reversals happen over the course of my life time has not been easy.  They have seemed to come repeatedly to me.  Sometimes I have felt like Satan has placed a wager with God about whether I'll stay faithful or not, like he did with Job.  The Lord just turns around and says, "Go ahead.  Try him."  Then Satan unleashes all hell on me and kicks me up and down the street. Luckily, he has limits imposed and can't go too far or give me more than I can handle, but he comes close.  Somehow I manage to pick myself up off the ground and recover enough to fight another day.  I end up healing for awhile and then the bell rings again and I'm off to another knock down drag out fight with adversary.  The rounds take everything I've got to survive and I'm bruised and bloody, but I'm still standing.  My spirit is not broken.

Recently, I've had a great mercy bestowed upon me.  In counseling with friends and family and especially in talks with one particular friend, I have come to see myself in a much truer light.  I feel as though a great burden has been lifted off me.  By having an outside observer take a look at my life path and circumstances, I have been able to put one critical puzzle piece into place.  With this piece put in its proper place, now all the other pieces start to rapidly fit together.  The puzzle is not done yet, I don't know everything about my life, but I've been able to view part one in a way that makes so much sense and casts such a positive light on what I've done and accomplished thus far, that all my shame and regret have melted away.  I can view myself as the hero in my own story now instead of the one that's always thwarted, marred and held back.

This process has taken a long time.  I have received no visions or dreams.  The positive realizations have come as a result of self reflection, study of the gospel, striving to be completely honest with myself, listening to the input of loving friends and family, and of course, most of all, listening to the still small voice of the spirit.

I can say with complete confidence now:

1.  I have no shame for having gone through a divorce.
2.  I have no shame for not having more financial achievement thus far in life or that I suffered financial reversals because of things I couldn't control in my marriage and as a result of the divorce itself.
3.  I have no shame that I have not had more success in my career.
4.  I have no shame that I have not had greater callings in church.
5.  I have no regret that I did not develop more talents when I was younger or that I didn't have the chance to develop them or that my development was interrupted in some of them.

These are all things that have vexed me over the years.

Now:

a.  I am confident that my life has been one that pleases the Lord.
b.  I believe that my calling as a father to my specific children has been foreordained.
c.  I believe that my calling as a father to them has been my true calling and that it has superseded anything else.
d.  I believe that I chose to be a transformational person for my children and for my ex's family line.
e.  I believe that I have been willing to sacrifice everything to fulfill my calling and that my life decisions have reflected that focus.
f.  I believe that I knew my mission before this life and that I accepted it and rejoiced in it.
g.  I believe that many of the promises spoken of in my patriarchal blessing will begin to be unfolded in part two of my life, beginning now.

I am not perfect of course.  I'm still a work in progress, but these truths have become my truths and they have changed everything. I have become liberated.  I can go forward in part two of my life with no shame, and when the Lord sees fit to reveal to me a new companion, I won't have my hurt or disappointment overshadowing our relationship.  I'll be able to give to her freely as she deserves and together we will complete our story.

I know that we can all have these realizations come to us.  Yours may come in a dream or a vision. Mine came in another way that is no less significant.  The truth is out there brothers and sisters, whatever that truth may be.  I encourage you to put in the time and effort to discover your own.  We cannot control how and when the Lord will choose to reveal these things to us, but he will not withhold that information as we diligently seek to understand and are willing to submit and accept all that he reveals.  Until then, keep moving forward in faith.  Your time is coming.

I believe that I'm part of great group of divorce survivors in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  You are all still wonderful people with fabulous things yet to accomplish in this life.  I feel that it's my privilege to walk this path with you.

Thank you all for listening.  May you all discover the beautiful truth about yourselves.  You are all heroes!