Monday, September 29, 2014

So it's Happening...

So my ex gets married in 4 days to my former neighbor. It will be a couple weeks shy of one year since the divorce was finalized.

Time flies, but it still feels strange and surreal to me that this whole thing happened.  Still thinking how unnecessary the whole thing was.  I do admit, however, that it couldn't go on the way it was and that I'm better off now than I ever was.  My life continues to improve incrementally.  No magic wands, just small steady improvements over time as if a loving Heavenly Father is watching out for me.

I love being with my kids for church on Sundays.  I fought for that.   It's special to me.  The pain comes when I'm driving them back to another town on Sunday night.  I hug each one of them goodbye when I drop them off.  It hurts for me to let them go.  This part is relatively new and it still aches in my bones and it takes awhile to shake off the heaviness in my heart.  I'm usually ok by Monday morning but still...

Good friends and family help soothe my tender feelings.  Thank goodness I have them in spades.

Some interesting things have transpired in my new life since divorce.

1.  I was made a High Priest.
2.  I got a new job and a raise.
3.  I was called to serve in the Stake High Council.
4.  I've made wonderful friends.
5.  I've been able to talk and interact with good single women who have gone through similar trials.  (This gives me hope and comfort to know that maybe I'll be able to find the kind of partner I want and need someday.)

There are still a lot of ups and downs for me but I feel an overarching feeling that the Lord is in charge and that he cares about me.

I'm trying to let him guide me and am trying to take advantage of the experiences he gives me now. I know I can't skip any steps, but that this path is likely to bring me the most joy now, and in the future.

I believe in Him and know that as each one of us examines his or her own life, we will be able to see how the Lord is guiding us along.  There's no worry that we won't make it if we follow those promptings and that guidance that comes from Heaven.  Our path will be sure.  I just know it.

So in conclusion I'll say this:

It will all work out brothers and sisters.  It will all work out.

Onward and upward!






Tuesday, September 23, 2014

The Spiritual Struggle of Marriage

When I was young I had list of what I wanted in a wife.  I recorded it in my journal.  It was all very idealistic and full of expectations.  When I found my ex wife, I believed that I had found that person. I idealized her and put her on a pedestal.  She was young, innocent, spiritually minded and beautiful. I dreamed about the life we would build together and the memories we would make.

The fact is that we were able to make many good memories and we raised beautiful children together. When it was good, it was good.  When it wasn't...it was challenging.  But the Lord was with us.  He was there to bless our efforts.  He didn't leave us without his support. We could have made it together, but my ex decided it wasn't worth it. She sought for greener pastures. There was nothing I could do to stop it from happening.  I guess I can take solace in the fact that I fought off the adversary for 23 years.  In the end, you can't protect your family if they willing turn away from you. Just can't do it no matter how strong you think you are or how much you try to protect them.

But every marriage conceived in righteousness starts out with the approval and blessing of the Lord.

Each partner in a marriage comes from a different background with different experiences. Each partner has a different personality.  Men and women are different.  Likes and dislikes can be different. Family traditions and practices are different.  With all the differences it's amazing that anyone gets married at all.  This risk of failure is great, and as everyone knows, the divorce rate is very high and with all the freedom we have these days, it's not surprising that many of us are in the divorce boat.  Perhaps in times past it wasn't as easy to get a divorce and people tended to stay together no matter what.  It's different today.

The truth is that we are drawn together as designed by the Lord.  We are meant to get married and have a partner in order to become our best selves and create and help Heavenly Father bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.  We are partners with Him.  The marriage bond for us is a three way covenant between each other and the Lord.

We are meant to cooperate as equals.  We usually start out young and inexperienced with very little of life's resources.  Little by little we begin to grow.  Our family grows with beautiful children, literal spirit children sent down to us by God.  Our economic circumstances improve. If we both stay focused on the Lord, our families begin to blossom and shine.  Our children increase in wisdom and beauty.  The Lord is with us both, inspiring us on how to raise our children, how to bring them up, how to protect and nurture them, how to nurture one another.  It can be beautiful.  It is beautiful.

The problem is that just as Heavenly Father is blessing us and our marriages and our new family unit, Satan is always at work trying to drive a wedge between husbands and wives.  He wants to destroy our eternal families.  He takes advantage of all our differences and all our weaknesses.  He utilizes the natural stress that comes in a marriage because of this mortal life and just will wreak havoc wherever he can.  I believe he is real, and he has many advantages over us in our mortal state.  If we take our eyes off the Savior, Satan will surely cause pain, distress and destruction.  He will laugh as our eternal families are destroyed.

That's what happened in my case.  He won that battle.  You would not have believed how beautiful my family was.  How precious it was.  The spirit was with us to a great degree, but I could not hold it together on my own and I mourn the loss of it.  Will always mourn the loss.

I used to think in my young mind that I could beat Satan.  I was a warrior in body and spirit. Nothing was going to beat me, including him.  The truth that I've learned over time, is that I can't beat Satan. No way. Not on my own. He's got me outgunned. He has way too much intelligence and experience. He also has too many tools and mortal world conditions to work with on his side.  Even my body would betray me if I don't do everything I can to control it.  I can only prevail one way, and that way is to completely rely on the Savior and his atonement to save me.  On my own, I'm too weak.

Before Joseph Smith experienced his first vision with God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ, he was attacked mercilessly by Satan.  He felt like he literally was going to die or be cast off to oblivion. The only way he was delivered was to call unceasingly on the Lord to deliver him.  He couldn't save himself.  The Lord had to intervene and he did.  Great as he was, Joseph was no match for Satan one on one.

Brothers and Sisters, we are no different.  If we don't keep our eye on the Savior, Satan will come and take away even more than he did with our marriages. He will take away our salvation.  You and I may not be in the circumstances we envisioned in our lives, but we haven't lost everything. We can and will rebuild, and for our righteousness we will receive double.  We need to recognize that we are still in a war and that Satan is fighting for our souls.  He wants more slaves to do his bidding.   There is only one defense against him and that is our Savior.  Let us never forget Him.  Let us never forget who we are either as spirit sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father.  If we do, there is not one thing that this world can take away from us that won't be restored to us double and even ten fold.

Let's learn our lesson well here and let's look to God and live.


Saturday, September 20, 2014

Family Chow Time



Ok.  I'll be the first one to admit that I'm not a great chef and that cooking is not on my bucket list to become good at.  I cook to survive as they say and to keep my kids alive.

Now that I'm a single Dad, I have to admit I take more time shopping for food and trying to get something at least halfway nutritious for my kids when they're with me.

I'll have to say that I've gotten mixed results.  This is not my natural habitat.  I'm nowhere near as good as their Mom.  My best bet is to take my own Mom with me shopping to Costco.  She always hooks me up good.  I'll get there someday folks.  I'm working on it.

The other day, my daughter comes in starving after being at her dance class.  "Hey girl! I've got some shrimp pasta in the freezer."  I call out.

"Oh, no thanks, Dad."

"Why?  What's wrong with that?"

"Too slimy."

"What?  Too slimy? You've got to be kidding!  I bought that straight from Smith's!  It's Marie Calendar brand.  Just give it a try."

"Ok. Dad.  I will." she says trying to conceal a slight frown.

"Good.  I'll heat this up for you in the microwave.  You'll like it.  I promise." I say hoping against hope.

"Fine." she replies with little to no enthusiasm.

After putting the pasta primavera in the microwave, I take off to run errands.  I forget all about it after that.  The next morning I go to use the microwave and what do I find there?  You guessed it, that dang pasta meal! "That little pill!"  I think to myself.  "What's it gonna take for her?" I put the meal in the fridge, shaking my head.  I'll just save it for later.

Later that day, lo and behold, my oldest daughter, the one that served in Nicaragua shows up unexpectedly.  She looks around for something to eat.  She looks in the fridge.  "Oh awesome Dad! Can I have this pasta?"

"Of course!"  I reply excitedly.

"Thanks so much Dad!"

"Victory!"  I think to myself.

The meal gets eaten. Go figure.  It takes someone who spent a year and half in a third world country to appreciate the pre-made meal I bought.  Well, at least it didn't go to waste.  I may have only heated it up in the microwave instead of cooked it from scratch, but it did get appreciated.  I know what you're thinking, pretty lame, but at least I had it there for her.

Well I can say this much.  When I do get my kids all together with me, I do what I can to give them a decent meal. By decent I mean edible.  This morning I cooked them bacon and pancakes.  Don't worry, they had some fruit too.  The good part had nothing to do with the food, although it may have helped a little.  The really cool thing is that they were so happy that I did that for them.  They loved their pancakes.  They were all in a great mood.  They loved being together.  Everyone was laughing and making jokes and everyone had enough to eat.  The old adage about family meals is true.  It's a great time to be together and everyone can be his or herself.  Lot's of fun and even gospel messages get shared at the family dinner table.  So, while I miss not having a partner with me to make those memories, I still love having a meal that I cooked with my kids.  It's a tender mercy and a true blessing for me.

I'm sure you all know all about this already, but it's a blessing for a single Dad like me.  I am truly grateful for the small things that bring my family together.  It makes me remember that I'm a good Dad and that I can do something to help my children feel loved and cared for at home.

Shout out to all you single parents out there!  You rock and you know that!  Keep up the good work! We shall prevail!




Thursday, September 18, 2014

Increased Understanding: Beauty for Ashes. Isaiah 61:3

I posted this in my LDS Survivors FB Group and wanted to remember it.


Increasing Understanding:
The longer I'm single, the more I am coming to realize just how ok the "divorced" status truly is. For those who really try to stay the course and keep close to the Lord, being divorced can actually be a badge of honor. If you know you did all you could do and the decision was inevitable for whatever reason or forced on you, then you are blameless. There is no need to feel bad in church. We ought to hold our heads up and feel good about ourselves for having survived and suffered through such bitter struggles. We have come out the victors. There are marks on our souls that can be read by others who see our wisdom and experience. Our counsel will be sought, and when we speak, people will listen, because we have fought the battles and have the scars to prove it. Time is not what we think it is and all will be made up soon enough. I will say that I feel no stigma coming from that fact I'm divorced. Neither should any of us. We will use the experience of divorce and turn it into a gift to bless the lives of others. Upward and onward!

Additional comment by me:

Surviving a divorce and suffering righteously for the Lord's sake only reveals to us who we really are and we can feel safe and at peace that we please the Lord.

Beautiful comment shared by Jen DeLapp Pocock.

I came across this scripture tonight and it fits so well with what you posted, Brett. This phrase, "Beauty for ashes," has been whispered in my head for weeks. 
"To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of jo
y for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.

"And they shall build the old wastes, they shall raise up the former desolations, and they shall repair the waste cities, the desolations of many generations...

"For your shame ye shall have double; and for confusion they shall rejoice in their portion: therefore in their land they shall possess the double: everlasting joy shall be unto them."
Isaiah 61:3

We are being given beauty for ashes (it takes a while for the transformation), we praise God as we are healed and the heaviness lifted, we become like a strong tree, glorifying God as one of his mightiest creations. We are building on marriages that were wasted. We are healing generations as we break unhealthy patterns that have haunted our families over and over again. Our shame isn't justified, so He will reward us doubly for enduring it. We will one day have everlasting joy.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Lessons in Divorced Parenting

I posted a comment the other day in an online divorce support group that I'm a part of talking about how frustrating it is to not be able to be the same kind of parent I was before the divorce.  Here is what I said.

"You know, it's been 10 months now going on 11 since the divorce and it still just doesn't feel right dropping off my kids at my ex's house on Sunday night. Doesn't feel right, cause it isn't right. It's not the way my kids were supposed grow up shuttling back and forth between homes. Don't think it will ever feel normal. Can't support them the same as I used to. It frustrates me to see what should have been and what is not a present reality for them. It's the cherished reality that they were robbed of because of selfishness. But there's nothing I can do other than keep moving forward and rebuilding, hopefully being an anchor for them."

After posting that comment, I received very encouraging remarks from members of that group.  It's nice to have a group of people that you can share common experiences with and that will support you when you need it.  I never knew I would receive such kindness from strangers.  I joined the group kind of casually, just mildly curious, but the benefits of the association have been very helpful to me.

Here are some of my observations about my parenting experience now.

1.  My kids still love me and enjoy being with me.
2.  My kids don't blame me for what happened.
3.  My kids seem to appreciate me more now since they don't see me everyday.  (At least that's one advantage I didn't have before.)
4.  The kids know that I tried my best and didn't want this outcome for them.

My strategy to be an effective and loving parent moving forward includes some of the following efforts:

1. Try to keep my home as normal and peaceful as possible.  
2. Try to make it place where they can truly feel at home and safe.
3. Provide them structure at home with basic rules, expectations and chores.
4. Continue to teach them the gospel and have family prayer regularly.

I also try to spend time with them one on one.  These can be just short informal periods of time when I ask questions and listen to them.  I try to let them talk about what they want to talk about, not necessarily my own agenda.  These times can be during drive time, work time, or play.  Anytime is a good time.  They almost are never formal times, just everyday living.

I also talk to them a-lot about working hard in school, making friends, becoming their best selves and developing their relationship with Heavenly Father.  They know that I think they are all great because I tell them they are.  They know that I want them to work hard so that they can have great futures.

I also try not to badmouth their mom, but I'm sure my attitude seeps out a little sometimes.  Still working on that. Not easy.

I know that I'm not perfect at all this and that there is a huge hole in my home that is not easily replaced where their mother used to be. But I do my best and I think I am not doing a bad job.  They all know that they are supported and loved by me.

One good thing right now is that I have my third daughter staying with me most days.  She wants to finish her high school where she has been going so I get the benefit of her company a-lot more than I used to.

It's been hard as my girls have grown up and moved a little away from their Dad.  Just a natural process I know.  Now I get to spend time with my third daughter in the evenings.  She thinks I'm smart because I help her with all her homework.  Last night it was Spanish and current events.  She didn't know a thing about our how our government and political systems work, so I've been teaching her all about the three branches of government, the two party system, healthcare, insurance, etc.  I must say, I enjoy the time we spend together and I think she does too.

I told her last night, "You see?  This is a special time for you and me.  You'll be able to look back when you're older and remember the time when you lived with your Dad.  Times like these don't last, so you have to take advantage of them when you have them."

"I know Dad." she replied.  "I love you."

And so it goes.  You take what life gives you, whatever that may be and make the absolute most of it. No, things are not the same.  They still have to shuttle back and forth between homes.  I don't get to be around them as much as before.  But I'll say this.  I have opportunities every time I see them to make a significant difference for them.  There are new opportunities here that I didn't have before, like living with my daughter on our own.  I know this is Heavenly Father's work and I'm trying my best. I walk imperfectly but I'm giving it my all and that's all I can do.  The Lord makes up the rest.

I know you all know this already, but thanks for letting me share.  Writing this is a blessing to me.









Thursday, September 4, 2014

Football Dreams


Me and my buddy Craig the summer after 7th Grade.  I was gonna play in the NFL!  (1977 or 78  :)



So I went to my son's 7th grade football game last night.

You have to understand, I love football.  I played it as a boy and relished in it.  Football is the ultimate team sport and can teach so many life lessons.  You make so many friends on a football team when you're a kid and you get live your dreams through it.  Everything is so open and the future is so bright for you.  You believe you're going to play in the NFL some day and that nothing can stop your success. It's a time of magic when anything is possible and life is just going to get better and better and more and more awesome.  It's just supposed to be that way.  Right?  Isn't that how life works?

Well since that time, life has thrown some very tough challenges my way.  I won't get into my whole life story with you, but I've been brought to my knees and humbled multiple times since than.  Been dragged through the mud and shown my own nothingness.  Have eaten dust and been left weak. I've learned that I can't do life on my own without divine assistance.  I look around me and I see so many others who don't have the Lord in their lives and even some who do, who seem to skate right along. Nothing stops them. They seem to live a charmed life with unmitigated success flowing in their wakes. What they set out to do seems to land comfortably in their laps.  There's nothing there to throw them off their games.  I think to myself, "That could've been me".  You take away of few of my obstacles and I would make multiple life touchdowns. Would be the MVP of the game. At least in my own mind.

I know that's not my path.  Not the reason I came down here.  I know if that were my path, I wouldn't grow or develop much.  I'd be a spiritual weakling with no chance to build the muscle needed for the eternities, at least the kind of eternity I desire.

Well, I had a muscle building experience last night at my son's game.  What is usually a joyous experience for me where I bond with my sons and celebrate life with them got intruded upon. Intruded upon because my ex brought her fiance, my former neighbor, to watch my son's game with her.  Mind you, I haven't even been divorced a year yet.  It's very difficult to not allow my rage to erupt.

Seeing them last night was a wake up call.  Whether I like it or not, I'm going to have to keep seeing these two over and over again.

As difficult as it is now and probably will always be, it's me that is required to forgive and that's no small order.  Sometimes I feel that I do forgive.  Other times, like last night, it's just not happening. The Lord intervened for me the last time I saw them together at my daughter's homecoming.  Now I have to work on it on my own and get stronger. I know in time I'll be able to handle this better. Seeing them was like a milestone.  It was a first in regular life.  I've seen them now in a normal life situation.  It will be the first of many. Let's move on.  Right?

It's just that these next few months are going to bring some challenges to me.  Not only has she moved my kids away, but she will be marrying him next month.  It will be bitter sweet for me. Happy that I can stop paying her.  Sad because it will just symbolically cement the destruction of a dream. A dream I had of an eternal family.

But you mark my words my friends, by the grace of God, I'll build a new one, and my children will still be sealed to me.  That's the promise I'm relying on.  And though I can't control the Lord's will or timing in these matters, I still stand upon the promises.  Don't worry.  I'll get over it.  Just like when I played football, I'll never give up.  Upward and onward!

Thank you for letting me rant my friends.  :)


Monday, September 1, 2014

Parenting: It's Different Now


(Photo from several years ago)

You know?  Parenting is different now since the big D bomb hit my life.

I've always been such an involved Dad.  Have always been there for my kids.  Have always tried to make sure they're safe and taken care of.  I can't help but to say that I was always the stable one for them.   I fought to keep our family intact.  I'm not trying to say I'm perfect, but I try really hard because I want only the best for my kids.  Didn't want them to have to experience the pain of a divorce.

Don't get me wrong.  Their mother loves them too and does many good things for them.  I can never the take the place of their mother.  But I'm the one that held our covenants sacred.  Where I fault her as a parent is that she couldn't find at least one good reason to love her children's father.  Couldn't find anything worth saving in our marriage.

So I'm still working through my issues with her, but I'm mostly happy with life.  Just get that fury when I think too much about the past.  Got to just keep focusing on the good and all the wonderful opportunities ahead.  The bright future is real and I can taste it.  Have already taken many strides and am rebuilding my life as we speak.

What I'm having to get used to regarding parenting is that I don't have the same control and don't feel that I can support them the same way as I used to.  They are constantly running back and forth between two cities.  Can't coach my sons anymore because they live too far away during the week. Can't help them as much in school.  Don't see them on a daily basis anymore except on the weekends. Can't fix things as much.  Can't protect them as much as I used to.  Sometimes they want to hang with their friends more than they want to hang with me.  It's a big adjustment from what I knew for over 20 years. It's different.  It's not what I wanted or planned for.

I was really upset the other night thinking and praying about this.  I was tossing and turning in bed. Talking this over and over with the Lord.  Finally I managed to fall asleep. When I woke up the next morning I had kind of forgotten about my angst.  I was getting ready for my day when my mom called and wanted to go on a walk in the cemetery with me in my neighborhood.  I decided to go with her.

We chatted about a-lot of things as we walked.  We talked about personal stuff.  She gave me some insights about what I might need or want in a future spouse.  She helped me clarify some questions I had in my mind regarding that issue.  I had been mulling that over too.  Was experiencing some confusion.  She gave me a couple of key ideas to consider and I knew that Lord had been looking out for me and I was very grateful.

With regards to my concerns about my ability to parent my children as effectively as before, she reminded me that my children are growing up.  They are moving through their stages.  Only one is still not a teen.  All the rest have passed the threshold and are transitioning into adulthood.  It's natural for them to move away somewhat from the parent.  They are wanting to become independent and that is a natural and normal process.  They obviously still love me and look to me for support.  I will always be their father. They don't blame me for what happened and they would never seek to replace me.  I still hold a key place in their lives.  I'm not done raising them to adulthood yet.  She told me that even if my marriage had stayed together that I would be experiencing some of these feelings anyway.  You can't stop children from growing up, no matter how hard you wish for it.

Those words gave me a-lot of comfort.  No, I can't parent exactly the way I did with them before. That was a unique and beautiful time as a parent.  But I did enough with the time I had.  I got them grounded before the marriage died, so when it finally happened they were able to cope much better than I had anticipated.  I followed the spirit leading up to the break up as I was prompted time and time again to take my boys on trips and excursions the summer before it all went down.  Somehow I felt that my time was short.  And it was.

Now, though my time is different with them with more chaos thrown in, I try to follow the spirit still. When I feel a prompting to say something, I do.  When I feel a nudge to take them somewhere, I do. I try to organize activities that will help them build friendships with other kids in my neighborhood and ward.  I'll admit that I don't do this nearly as well as what a mother would do.  As I said, I can never replace their mother, but I'm a pretty dang good father.  So I'm believing that the Lord is in charge and he can help make up for what I lack.  I'll contribute what I can, when I can, where I can, and it will be enough. It has to be.  I believe I can still be successful.

These are the ideas that came to me as a result of talking with my mom who was listening to the spirit. These ideas came as an answer to my prayers.  They have also come while writing this post.  They may seem simple but they're all true and I needed to be reminded.

Here's wishing all of you answers to your own prayers and healing within and without.

Take care and good night my friends!