Lessons in Divorced Parenting

I posted a comment the other day in an online divorce support group that I'm a part of talking about how frustrating it is to not be able to be the same kind of parent I was before the divorce.  Here is what I said.

"You know, it's been 10 months now going on 11 since the divorce and it still just doesn't feel right dropping off my kids at my ex's house on Sunday night. Doesn't feel right, cause it isn't right. It's not the way my kids were supposed grow up shuttling back and forth between homes. Don't think it will ever feel normal. Can't support them the same as I used to. It frustrates me to see what should have been and what is not a present reality for them. It's the cherished reality that they were robbed of because of selfishness. But there's nothing I can do other than keep moving forward and rebuilding, hopefully being an anchor for them."

After posting that comment, I received very encouraging remarks from members of that group.  It's nice to have a group of people that you can share common experiences with and that will support you when you need it.  I never knew I would receive such kindness from strangers.  I joined the group kind of casually, just mildly curious, but the benefits of the association have been very helpful to me.

Here are some of my observations about my parenting experience now.

1.  My kids still love me and enjoy being with me.
2.  My kids don't blame me for what happened.
3.  My kids seem to appreciate me more now since they don't see me everyday.  (At least that's one advantage I didn't have before.)
4.  The kids know that I tried my best and didn't want this outcome for them.

My strategy to be an effective and loving parent moving forward includes some of the following efforts:

1. Try to keep my home as normal and peaceful as possible.  
2. Try to make it place where they can truly feel at home and safe.
3. Provide them structure at home with basic rules, expectations and chores.
4. Continue to teach them the gospel and have family prayer regularly.

I also try to spend time with them one on one.  These can be just short informal periods of time when I ask questions and listen to them.  I try to let them talk about what they want to talk about, not necessarily my own agenda.  These times can be during drive time, work time, or play.  Anytime is a good time.  They almost are never formal times, just everyday living.

I also talk to them a-lot about working hard in school, making friends, becoming their best selves and developing their relationship with Heavenly Father.  They know that I think they are all great because I tell them they are.  They know that I want them to work hard so that they can have great futures.

I also try not to badmouth their mom, but I'm sure my attitude seeps out a little sometimes.  Still working on that. Not easy.

I know that I'm not perfect at all this and that there is a huge hole in my home that is not easily replaced where their mother used to be. But I do my best and I think I am not doing a bad job.  They all know that they are supported and loved by me.

One good thing right now is that I have my third daughter staying with me most days.  She wants to finish her high school where she has been going so I get the benefit of her company a-lot more than I used to.

It's been hard as my girls have grown up and moved a little away from their Dad.  Just a natural process I know.  Now I get to spend time with my third daughter in the evenings.  She thinks I'm smart because I help her with all her homework.  Last night it was Spanish and current events.  She didn't know a thing about our how our government and political systems work, so I've been teaching her all about the three branches of government, the two party system, healthcare, insurance, etc.  I must say, I enjoy the time we spend together and I think she does too.

I told her last night, "You see?  This is a special time for you and me.  You'll be able to look back when you're older and remember the time when you lived with your Dad.  Times like these don't last, so you have to take advantage of them when you have them."

"I know Dad." she replied.  "I love you."

And so it goes.  You take what life gives you, whatever that may be and make the absolute most of it. No, things are not the same.  They still have to shuttle back and forth between homes.  I don't get to be around them as much as before.  But I'll say this.  I have opportunities every time I see them to make a significant difference for them.  There are new opportunities here that I didn't have before, like living with my daughter on our own.  I know this is Heavenly Father's work and I'm trying my best. I walk imperfectly but I'm giving it my all and that's all I can do.  The Lord makes up the rest.

I know you all know this already, but thanks for letting me share.  Writing this is a blessing to me.