Parenting: It's Different Now

(Photo from several years ago)

You know?  Parenting is different now since the big D bomb hit my life.

I've always been such an involved Dad.  Have always been there for my kids.  Have always tried to make sure they're safe and taken care of.  I can't help but to say that I was always the stable one for them.   I fought to keep our family intact.  I'm not trying to say I'm perfect, but I try really hard because I want only the best for my kids.  Didn't want them to have to experience the pain of a divorce.

Don't get me wrong.  Their mother loves them too and does many good things for them.  I can never the take the place of their mother.  But I'm the one that held our covenants sacred.  Where I fault her as a parent is that she couldn't find at least one good reason to love her children's father.  Couldn't find anything worth saving in our marriage.

So I'm still working through my issues with her, but I'm mostly happy with life.  Just get that fury when I think too much about the past.  Got to just keep focusing on the good and all the wonderful opportunities ahead.  The bright future is real and I can taste it.  Have already taken many strides and am rebuilding my life as we speak.

What I'm having to get used to regarding parenting is that I don't have the same control and don't feel that I can support them the same way as I used to.  They are constantly running back and forth between two cities.  Can't coach my sons anymore because they live too far away during the week. Can't help them as much in school.  Don't see them on a daily basis anymore except on the weekends. Can't fix things as much.  Can't protect them as much as I used to.  Sometimes they want to hang with their friends more than they want to hang with me.  It's a big adjustment from what I knew for over 20 years. It's different.  It's not what I wanted or planned for.

I was really upset the other night thinking and praying about this.  I was tossing and turning in bed. Talking this over and over with the Lord.  Finally I managed to fall asleep. When I woke up the next morning I had kind of forgotten about my angst.  I was getting ready for my day when my mom called and wanted to go on a walk in the cemetery with me in my neighborhood.  I decided to go with her.

We chatted about a-lot of things as we walked.  We talked about personal stuff.  She gave me some insights about what I might need or want in a future spouse.  She helped me clarify some questions I had in my mind regarding that issue.  I had been mulling that over too.  Was experiencing some confusion.  She gave me a couple of key ideas to consider and I knew that Lord had been looking out for me and I was very grateful.

With regards to my concerns about my ability to parent my children as effectively as before, she reminded me that my children are growing up.  They are moving through their stages.  Only one is still not a teen.  All the rest have passed the threshold and are transitioning into adulthood.  It's natural for them to move away somewhat from the parent.  They are wanting to become independent and that is a natural and normal process.  They obviously still love me and look to me for support.  I will always be their father. They don't blame me for what happened and they would never seek to replace me.  I still hold a key place in their lives.  I'm not done raising them to adulthood yet.  She told me that even if my marriage had stayed together that I would be experiencing some of these feelings anyway.  You can't stop children from growing up, no matter how hard you wish for it.

Those words gave me a-lot of comfort.  No, I can't parent exactly the way I did with them before. That was a unique and beautiful time as a parent.  But I did enough with the time I had.  I got them grounded before the marriage died, so when it finally happened they were able to cope much better than I had anticipated.  I followed the spirit leading up to the break up as I was prompted time and time again to take my boys on trips and excursions the summer before it all went down.  Somehow I felt that my time was short.  And it was.

Now, though my time is different with them with more chaos thrown in, I try to follow the spirit still. When I feel a prompting to say something, I do.  When I feel a nudge to take them somewhere, I do. I try to organize activities that will help them build friendships with other kids in my neighborhood and ward.  I'll admit that I don't do this nearly as well as what a mother would do.  As I said, I can never replace their mother, but I'm a pretty dang good father.  So I'm believing that the Lord is in charge and he can help make up for what I lack.  I'll contribute what I can, when I can, where I can, and it will be enough. It has to be.  I believe I can still be successful.

These are the ideas that came to me as a result of talking with my mom who was listening to the spirit. These ideas came as an answer to my prayers.  They have also come while writing this post.  They may seem simple but they're all true and I needed to be reminded.

Here's wishing all of you answers to your own prayers and healing within and without.

Take care and good night my friends!