Weakness inside Strength: Ether 12:27

Today I'm going to open up to you a little.  I've got a confession to make.  I'm going to tell you about something that's both a strength and a weakness for me.

All my life I've been tender hearted.  Tender hearted in the fact that I'm sensitive.  Sensitivity can be good. Good because I love people.  I want to help people.  But sometimes, sensitivity causes you pain. Sometimes it hurts you when it shouldn't.

To give you some background,  I was the kid that would always get up and bear his testimony in my ward growing up.  I would take a Book of Mormon with me to school in the 6th grade and read it during breaks.  I gave a copy of the Book of Mormon to my librarian at my elementary school and challenged her to read it.  I watched the 10 Commandments movie with Charlton Heston when I was 7 and I wept when I saw the Angel of Death creeping over Egypt to take the first born.  I would not hesitate to share my beliefs with my friends and I even had some of them join the church.  I had a-lot of passion, a-lot spiritual desire, many spiritual dreams. Still do.

I'm not ashamed or embarrassed about this part of me.  It's who I was and who I am. Wasn't Jesus also sensitive?  Wasn't Joseph Smith?  If you study their lives you'll realize they were very sensitive as well. Can you imagine how lonely the Savior must have felt growing up as a child?  There was no one who could understand or really relate to him.  He could have been running the kingdom when he was 12. What were the other 12 year olds doing at that time?  Were they thinking the same thoughts as he was or feeling the same things?  Of course not.

Now my friends, I don't mean to infer that I'm anything like the Savior or Joseph Smith or any of the great prophets.  I mean that would be ridiculous.  I only say that I identify with them in their sensitivity, if only a tiny bit. I would say that I believe that I have been blessed spiritually by my sensitive nature and I don't intend to give that up.  It has served me very well throughout my life.

Where the rub comes, is the fact that this same strength opens me up to be hurt.  Hurt by people who would deceive or try to manipulate me.  I was naive when I was young.  Never thought that anyone would think evil or have ulterior motives.  I was always so hurt to find out that some people did have bad intentions, that they spoke behind my back or made fun of me or lied about me.  I know I was different than many and the different one always sticks out, especially when you're young.

I've come a long way since then.  I can read people much better now.  Can detect when people are selfish.  My job has given me a-lot of experience in this regard.  I'm a veteran now. But I'm not infallible.  I can still be deceived.  I can still be hurt. And I was hurt for many years.

I want to channel Brigham Young sometimes.  He always knew his business and didn't give a hoot what anyone else thought of him.  He just simply didn't have time for nonsense and he walked it all under his feet. He got stuff done and nothing knocked him off his game.   I don't yet have that strength, but I want it.

I'm determined to learn from my new life as a divorced man.  I'm determined not be manipulated by tears, or anger, or frustration.   I'm determined to keep my focus where it needs to be, on working with my ex to raise my children.  I want to place an emotional shield around myself.  I was given a spiritual shield on the day of my daughter's homecoming.  Now I need to build an emotional one for myself during the rest of the time.  I can't expect the Lord to intervene for me at every instance.  I need to wrap my head around what is going on around me with my ex and deal with it.  That's what the Lord expects and that's what I'm committing to do.  I expect to make progress.

Maybe you have had similar feelings.  I know I'm not the only one to dealing with this.  Maybe we can join together to build emotional strength so that no matter what they say, we don't get knocked off our game.

Are you with me brothers and sisters?

Let's move on!

Letting her go

I am reposting this from LDS Divorce Survivors.  This started my blogging again with the encouragement of a great friend.

Hello My Divorced Friends.
I'm usually not the one who posts here although I've commented a time or two and tried to add something positive to the discussion with you all, but tonight I feel the need to express myself, and seeing that all of you are in the same situation and going through all the same stages, I'll hope you will indulge me a little.

It's been 9 and half months since my marriage ended and I must admit that most of my feelings towards my ex have been anger and sadness, and also, I must admit, the desire for satisfaction for what has been done to me. I know I wasn't always perfect of course and that I have my own progression as a person to consider, but since she made the decisions she did, my righteous indignation has been in overdrive for many months. I can't blame myself too much for this. I think these feelings are very normal considering what I've been through.

Honestly, I'm still not over it. The negative feelings are there, but I know I need to move on. I don't want my anger stalking me or coming between me and a future partner. I want to carry as little baggage as possible moving forward.

So tonight I realized that I've never allowed myself to grieve for the loss I suffered, for the good that I had with her, for the love we once shared, for the blessings of the Lord that were upon us as a couple. Tonight I will allow myself to grieve. I will grieve for the loss of what might have been, had different choices been made, had a different reality unfolded. The blessings in my marriage were real and their loss is real also. I need to honor that. I need to let myself feel the loss without my anger. To let my spirit process the betrayal and the loss. I know it is not the Lord's fault for what happened. I'm not angry at him for the things he let me experience. I have become stronger when viewing my own weaknesses that were exposed during the marriage. I don't intend to allow them to continue in my life. But I need to let myself feel what I have covered up with my anger.

Tonight I intend to grieve the loss of my wife fully and then give her back to the Lord to do with as he will for her good and mine. The covenant she made with me is broken, but my covenant with the Lord is not broken. I plan to mourn and then willingly place her in the Lord's hands. I intend to give her up in my mind and my heart and to look forward from now on as much as I can. Of course I will need grace to actually do this. I can't do it without divine help. I'm only human but I seek to be a new creature in Christ and my hope and desire is that all my pain be consecrated to my good and the good of my children and all those who I associate with.

I hope you all can join with me in this endeavor. Let's do whatever we can to give up all our pain and anger and turn it over to the Lord. I know this will take time and effort for us to accomplish and that we can't just flip a switch and have everything be all better at once. But let's do our best to give our marriages a proper burial and give our former spouses back to the Lord to deal with. We've been released from our callings. Let's mourn as we must but then let's look forward in great anticipation to the great futures we all have ahead of us and not forget to enjoy the great blessings we are enjoying right now in our time of freedom.

Hope your evening is full of peace and joy. Thanks for listening.

Take care.

My Girls

Last night I had all three of my girls with me.  It's been years since I've had them all together with me. They are growing up.  One is just home from a mission.  Another has been at BYU.  Another is a senior in high school.

Time moves on.  We are all time travelers in the universe except we can only move in one direction. Forward. Nothing stays the same in life, divorce or no divorce.  My girls keep growing up and I don't have the same structure that I used to have to support them.

When they were little I kept them safe.  They wore their Laura Ashley dresses and I took them to the park, to their dance lessons, to their friends birthday parties.  I read them Harry Potter at night.  We had family home evening.

Then they hit the teenage stage.  Seemed like every week I would hear a loud knock on the front door. Someone leaving a riddle of some kind for one of my girls, asking them to some dance.  "Who's trying to take my girls from me?" I would ask.  Always more and more dates.

I noticed that they weren't talking with me as much.  I wasn't hearing all the details about their adventures and their new boyfriends.  They guarded their secrets.  They were too embarrassed and uncomfortable to tell their dad about their first kisses.  Still are to some extent.  But I knew they were changing into young women and it was just a natural process.

When the divorce happened, my girls were the first ones to support me.   Before my first daughter left on her mission, she warned me.  She told me about what she had seen, what she had observed.  "I just don't want you to get hurt Dad" she said with pain in her voice.  "Oh no." I replied.  "I'm sure you didn't see what you think you saw."  But she did.  I believed her but I couldn't allow myself to believe.  I was desperately trying to save my marriage.  I worried that I may have caused her some damage by choosing to take the high road with her mom at that time.  I have since validated and thanked her for what she had the courage to say and I apologized.  She held nothing against me and she is with me again.  Still my daughter, only better since the mission.

My second daughter stood up.  She wouldn't let it pass.  She bore most of the pain of the divorce while my first daughter was gone.  She was old enough to see what was happening.  She was the voice of truth and she defended her father, even though it caused her pain.  That is something I will never forget.  I wince that I was not able to protect her from that pain.  She has a great future ahead.

My third daughter is choosing to stay and live with me for her senior year instead of moving to a new city with her mom.  She is an angel.  I do not speak unkindly of her mother to her.  She is innocent. She seeks the light. The fact that she is choosing to live with me now speaks volumes.  She may not see it as any big deal and only a matter of convenience, but to me it is huge.  She will keep growing and I am privileged to witness her growth and development.  What a fabulous young woman.

So in the end, I guess I'm not losing my girls after all.  Though they are traveling life's ever moving path and going through all of life's stages, they are still mine. I didn't lose my girls to young womanhood.  I gained them to womanhood.  They never rejected their dad and I will always be there for them, my precious daughters.

They tell me that girls have a special bond with their dads.  I think it's absolutely true and I thank the Lord everyday that it is.

When my children leave....

Yesterday I was filled with the spirit.  I was filled with love and contentment.  It was a banner day, a victory day.   I held my children close and blessed each one of them.  I shared words with them; sacred words of love and healing.

Today their mother took them to another city to live.  She took them to live with another man who is not their father.  Who does not know them like I do.  Does not love them like I do.  It's only an hour away from me, but it feels farther.  It's a symbol of what has been destroyed.  An eternal family that should have been.

You see I am my children's father.  I'm not perfect, but I feel they are bonded to me.  I spent so much time with them all their lives.  I got up with each one of them in the night.  I read them stories, played with them, taught them how to ride bikes, hiked with them, coached them, taught them to work.  I taught them the precious gospel.  I taught them who they are.  They are all different with different gifts and talents but all beautiful in such unique ways.

Why do I feel like this?  It's not that far away.  I will still see them every weekend.  They will still go to church with me.  My youngest daughter will still live with me most of the time.  She doesn't want to go to the new school where her mom is moving.  She wants to finish her senior year here.  So I'm here for her so she can do that.  But the loss of having them near me is real.

When I was going through the process, I pleaded with the Lord to intervene for me, to stop this abomination of a divorce.  "Don't let her take my children away from me!  It's not right and should be stopped. Don't let her destroy our eternal bonds!  Take me or her out of this life instead!"  But I knew my pleadings were rash.  How would my children be better off with one of their parents dead? Ridiculous. The pleadings were shouted out in anguish and distress.

But I hold on to this one comfort.  I know I didn't break my covenants, so the promises remain with me. What God ordains cannot be annulled by man except through transgression and I don't intend to transgress.  If I do, I intend to repent real quick.

I must remember that I have my children's love.  None of them has forsaken me and none of them thinks I did wrong.  That is another tender mercy and they are always happy to come see me.

My desire is to rebuild my life.  Get a job that I don't have to travel so much.  Save up enough to buy a new house again.  Get a new companion who will love my children and who could bring that beautiful sense of home and nurture to all of us again.  I would marry her in the temple.  Have my children live with me full time.  Raise them to adulthood.

Those are my dreams, however improbable they may sound.  I know they can and will happen.  At least most of them.  I trust in the Lord and I have come a long way from a year ago.  I cannot control all things, but I can control some things.  I wait upon the timing and will of the Lord to help me rebuild the life that I'm suppose to have.

Thank you my friends and good night.

Victory Day

Dear Friends,

Today I had the best day I've had in a long long time!

I'm not kidding.  It was fantastic and unexpected.

Today was the day my daughter delivered her homecoming talk in my ward. I posted a picture on FB. She's the one standing next to me in the picture with glasses and a red blouse.   Standing next to us of course, are all the rest of my children.  That's three beautiful girls and three handsome boys.  I have always been a very proud father and I knew it would be a special day today, but I could not have expected how beautiful it would be.  I asked the kids to pose with me with the universal sign of peace. Only for me it's not the peace sign.  To me it spells "V".  That's "V" for victory.

Today was a victory never to be forgotten.

You see, today I spoke on the program with my daughter.  I have the luxury of having my father as my Bishop.  We live in a very small ward.  Sarah did not speak in our old ward because of all the rumors floating around there.  You see, my ex is engaged to my former neighbor, someone I knew for years. I haven't even been divorced a year yet and she is engaged and taking my children to live in another city with him. I'll spare you the details.

So I got up on the stand at sacrament meeting and sat next to my beautiful daughter.  I looked down into the congregation and who do you think I see?  You got it. There they are.  My ex sitting right next to the aforementioned neighbor.

You have to understand, I'm a man and I've been dreading the day I see the two of them together. How would you feel if you had to let your kids, who you love with your life, go off and live with the man that was supposed to be your friend, and your ex wife ?

The funny thing is that when I looked down at them, it was like I was surrounded by a force field. Anything negative I could have felt just didn't materialize.  It was like they're being there was irrelevant and inconsequential.  It was like nothing could have mattered to me less.  I focused my gaze away from them and looked around the chapel.  Little by little I recognized all kinds of wonderful people I love. First I see my ex's sister and her family, people that I have loved for over 20 years.  I run down to them and embrace each one of them including all my nieces and nephews.  I see my father in law and his wife.  Little by little beautiful people from my former ward show up.  I catch their eyes as they walk into the little chapel.  I see a couple that I've known since we lived in Chicago back in the 90's, who have been my dear friends for all these years, sit down behind my family.  My former Bishop and his wife show up.  An uncle and his wife show up and sit next to my Mom. Wonderful people!

By now, my ex and her fiance don't even exist.  They've disappeared into nothingness and all I see are beautiful, loving people who have contributed to our lives in wonderful ways at many different critical points.  I find myself filling up with laughter inside.  I feel my soul smiling and I can't stop.  I don't even hear any of the announcements.  I just can't stop smiling.  My heart is filling up.  I lock eyes with all these people who mean the world to me.  They are smiling back at me and soon it's my turn to take the stand and speak.

I place my notes on the pulpit and I pause for a second to collect my thoughts.  I begin speaking and I don't even look down at my notes again.  They also disappear.  I don't need to look or think about them.  I talk about missionary work.  I share a story about when I shared the gospel with my best friend when I was 9 years old.  I don't pause.  I don't cry. I just let my spirit flow.  I prepare the way for my daughter.  I bear my witness, then I sit down.  My soul is still radiating.

My daughter speaks and the congregation loves her.  Like me, she doesn't use her notes.  She just flows with the spirit and shares her beautiful stories of conversion and love.  She is vibrant and beautiful.  She bears her witness in Spanish and sits down.

After the meeting I run to all my friends, the people who have meant so much to me.  I hug them all and thank them for their kindness and support.  It's a reunion and I'm loving every minute of it.  They are my brothers and sisters, fellow spirit children, people who have been sent to earth at the same time as me to fulfill great purposes.

After the meeting there is a party at my parents home.  More time to bask in fellowship and love.  I reconnect with my sisters in law.  They tell me how much they love and miss me.  I tell them I love and miss them too.  "You will always be our brother, Brett.  Nothing will ever change that."  My father in law tells me in his wonderful Spanish accent.  "You'll always be my number one.  Siempre!"  Their words carry love and healing to me.  I will never forget them.  They will stay with me.

Later, after things die down and all the guests have left, I call my children into my parents family room. They all will be going back to school very soon.  It's my privilege to offer them a father's blessing.  It's time for me to utilize the priesthood that has been conferred upon me.  It's my time to ask for the spirit to speak through me on behalf of the Lord to my children.  I start by explaining to them the sacred nature of blessings, that they need to prepare themselves to receive what the Lord is willing to share with them.  I tell them that the fulfillment of a blessing depends on their faithfulness and the will and timing of the Lord.  We start with a family prayer, then I call them all up one by one starting with the youngest first.  I place my hands upon their heads.  I can feel the words coming, flowing out naturally. There is spirit speaking to spirit.  There is no hesitation, and truth to each of them spills out like a cool waterfall and soaks them with love and spiritual truth.

When the blessings are finished, my parents, my children's grandparents, speak to them in kind and loving words.  They tell my children that they love their father, me.  My mother's voice shakes as she tells them how how proud she is of me and how I honor my priesthood and how righteous I am to be able to give those blessings.  She doesn't remember how blessed I am to be her son and how she's been there for me all these years through all my trials. How I wouldn't be anything without her.

My children linger at my parents house for another hour well past the time they usually leave to go back with their mother on Sunday night.

It's a special time, a time of love and peace.  It's a day of grace and tender mercies.  And for me, it's a day of victory.

Hope you have your victories too.  Take care my friends.

This is me.....

So this is me.   I'm 49 years old.  This is what I look like now.  The picture I'm holding is what I looked like at 17 years old getting ready for my senior year of high school in Dunwoody, GA.  I had a few less wrinkles then, no gray hairs.  That was a long time ago.  I was full of dreams then, full of ideas, full of expectations.  Have I lived since then?  Yes I have!  I've done a-lot of living.  I've walked a-lot of miles.  I've fought in many battles.  I've won some and lost some, but I'll tell you this my friend:  There is no way I'm going to lose this war.  No way.  I'm not a loser and when they carry me out of this world, I'm going out a winner.  They're going to find my body upstream as they say. 

You see, I believe I'm on this earth for a reason and no matter how far life seems to have strayed from that reason, that mission, I'm always going to come back to it.  Do you feel me? That's a promise.  Do you believe that about your own life?  I know you do.  

So this blog is dedicated to you and me and to healing, to overcoming, to understanding; to not allowing our pasts to determine our destinies, only to give us experience and to enable us to become our best selves.  Here's to taking the crappy hands we've been dealt and turning them into royal flushes.  Are you with me?  Good!  Let's fight then.  Join me on the front.  Your comments will be appreciated if they are sincere.  We can help each other my friends.  I'll tell you my story and you can tell me yours, only do tell me.

By the way of introduction, I'm Mormon and am not ashamed of it.  I'm the father of 6 children, and I've been divorced for almost a year and a half.  Not ashamed of that either.  "Stuff" happens that you can't control.  I can only control how I choose to respond.  This blog is part of my way of responding to "stuff" as it exists in my world.  Hope you enjoy it and and get something out of it.  We'll talk soon.

Take care,

Brett