Letting her go

I am reposting this from LDS Divorce Survivors.  This started my blogging again with the encouragement of a great friend.

Hello My Divorced Friends.
I'm usually not the one who posts here although I've commented a time or two and tried to add something positive to the discussion with you all, but tonight I feel the need to express myself, and seeing that all of you are in the same situation and going through all the same stages, I'll hope you will indulge me a little.

It's been 9 and half months since my marriage ended and I must admit that most of my feelings towards my ex have been anger and sadness, and also, I must admit, the desire for satisfaction for what has been done to me. I know I wasn't always perfect of course and that I have my own progression as a person to consider, but since she made the decisions she did, my righteous indignation has been in overdrive for many months. I can't blame myself too much for this. I think these feelings are very normal considering what I've been through.

Honestly, I'm still not over it. The negative feelings are there, but I know I need to move on. I don't want my anger stalking me or coming between me and a future partner. I want to carry as little baggage as possible moving forward.

So tonight I realized that I've never allowed myself to grieve for the loss I suffered, for the good that I had with her, for the love we once shared, for the blessings of the Lord that were upon us as a couple. Tonight I will allow myself to grieve. I will grieve for the loss of what might have been, had different choices been made, had a different reality unfolded. The blessings in my marriage were real and their loss is real also. I need to honor that. I need to let myself feel the loss without my anger. To let my spirit process the betrayal and the loss. I know it is not the Lord's fault for what happened. I'm not angry at him for the things he let me experience. I have become stronger when viewing my own weaknesses that were exposed during the marriage. I don't intend to allow them to continue in my life. But I need to let myself feel what I have covered up with my anger.

Tonight I intend to grieve the loss of my wife fully and then give her back to the Lord to do with as he will for her good and mine. The covenant she made with me is broken, but my covenant with the Lord is not broken. I plan to mourn and then willingly place her in the Lord's hands. I intend to give her up in my mind and my heart and to look forward from now on as much as I can. Of course I will need grace to actually do this. I can't do it without divine help. I'm only human but I seek to be a new creature in Christ and my hope and desire is that all my pain be consecrated to my good and the good of my children and all those who I associate with.

I hope you all can join with me in this endeavor. Let's do whatever we can to give up all our pain and anger and turn it over to the Lord. I know this will take time and effort for us to accomplish and that we can't just flip a switch and have everything be all better at once. But let's do our best to give our marriages a proper burial and give our former spouses back to the Lord to deal with. We've been released from our callings. Let's mourn as we must but then let's look forward in great anticipation to the great futures we all have ahead of us and not forget to enjoy the great blessings we are enjoying right now in our time of freedom.

Hope your evening is full of peace and joy. Thanks for listening.

Take care.