How Far I've Come

I was looking back over some of my journals last night from over a year ago.  I hadn't read those entries for quite a while.  They were the entries of when I was trying to save my marriage.  It was a time of severe trial and exquisite emotional pain.  Entry after entry was full of angst and crying out to the Lord.  Night after night as I was alone in my room I found myself constantly writing in my journal. I was desperately trying to release the toxic emotions out of my body and into the atmosphere for some semblance of relief. It was the only way I could cope and it was the only thing I knew to help me keep my sanity or make any sense out of my life.  In the midst of that, I lost my job, experienced huge financial pressures as result of decisions made by my spouse over a long period of time and also great fear of what would become of me and my children.  I also feared that I had lost all my chances and the promises of my patriarchal blessing and other pressures that I don't care to mention in this post.  I had been through many trials before that time, but the feelings I had then, were the most acute of them all;  and the thing that filled me full of the most absolute dread, was the idea of having to break my children's hearts.  The idea of telling them was just inconceivable to me and filled me with horror.  I can only liken that time to the feeling of being on your back with a 200 pound rock on your chest while someone sticks a knife in your gut and twists.  This on top of a growing suspicion that I had been betrayed and rejected for another and that the person had been my friend.  This is my poor attempt to describe where I was a year and a half ago and the feelings I was experiencing.

I used to think that those of us living in modern times could not compare with the pioneers or saints from past eras because of all they went through.  I have since come to believe that the Lord can try us to the core in these times just as well as he could in the past.  He can develop us just as much in the here and now.  There is no limit placed on our spiritual growth potential in our mortal experience.  It's all a matter of how we choose to embrace our trials.  We can suffer in a Godly way which turns us into gold or we can allow our trials to canker and embitter us to where we lose all our chances for joy.  I am choosing the latter.

I am tired of living in the past.  I have come a very long way since those bitter feelings engulfed me. I want to more fully embrace the idea of "Men are that they might have joy."

I wrote in my last post about how Heavenly Father has created a new way for me to see my life.  It took a long time for those realizations to set in, but once they did, that 200 pound rock disappeared and the knife got pulled out of my stomach.  My wounds are healing.

I still can't say that I have no anger for my ex, because I still do.  I guess that one will take some more time for me, but as far as how I see myself and my life mission, I have improved leaps and bounds and it has provided me with the kind of freedom that I have longed for over many years.  I can't tell you how much better I feel.

I don't want to stop here either.  I still want to rebuild my life completely and there are some missing components to it.  Those things missing will be filled over time, but I have come so far in my one year since my divorce that I am amazed and I believe the Lord is on my side helping me build more and more.  Should I have ever doubted that he would help?  No.  I've been talking with him non stop about what I want to do in the second half of my life and how I want to finish out my mission on this earth.  He hears me.  He knows what I want to do and what I want to accomplish.  In my mind I hear him answer me.  "I'm working on it.  All in it's proper time.  You can't skip any steps, Brett.  Little by little and all will be placed in its' proper position.  All the empty spaces will be filled.  Just trust me." And so I do.  I still believe and I still trust, and every day a little something changes for the better. Over time all the little improvements add up to a great deal.

So I guess the moral of the story is this:  Honor your past, but don't live there.  Each stage of life brings it's own opportunities and joys.  Each stage has been specially designed for our growth.  Let's not be satisfied in resting where we are.  If we can catch a glimpse of our true selve's and our true potential, then let's take the steps now to get ourselves to that place.  As we do so, the Lord will carry us on his wings.  I will not say that we are now done with all pain yet, but the day is coming when we will experience it no more.  For now, let's allow our pain to sanctify us and change us inside to grow to be who we are meant to be.  There is no other way on the Celestial path.  We have to walk through it.  It's by design and for our good.  We signed up for this.  We knew what we would have to face, but we rejoiced in it.

So I'm walking with you now brothers and sisters, on our divorce path, and honestly, I'm glad to have your company.