Crisis of Faith: Why my Divorce didn't Destroy Mine.

When divorce happens, it is devastating to those involved.  I never really understood anything about it until I went through it myself.  Because of the emotional trauma divorced people go through, many find it difficult it to stay faithful to their religious beliefs, and many more suffer because of the negative judgments of people in their church congregations and communities.  What's more is that many feel abandoned by their friends and even sometimes their families.  They feel anger, sadness, shame and a whole plethora of negative emotions.  Many may follow this train of thought: "If God knows everything, why did he let me walk into that marriage?  Didn't he care about me and my happiness? Why did he let me suffer like that? There must not be a God, or if there is, he surely doesn't love me."

When I was young, I was very spiritually minded.  God gave me, I believe, a gift of the spirit.  When I heard the word of God spoken, the power and truth in the words sunk down deep into my heart.  I had a curious mind and wanted to know everything I could about the truth and the meaning of life. The messages shared at church gave me many of those answers and made me feel alive.  I didn't believe I was alone in the universe.  I just knew that God loved me and had a mission for me to complete. Believing in God made me feel special and unique.  It still does.

As I grew older, my simple child like faith began to be tested.  It was hard sometimes as a Mormon kid growing up in a minority religion in states like Ohio and Georgia.  I caught flack because I wouldn't engage in the drinking, partying culture of high school.  My way of living seemed to be so opposite of what the majority of kids were doing.  It was tough to feel so different from everyone, like an outcast.  Fortunately, I still made many friends who weren't into that lifestyle either and they came from many different faith backgrounds.  I still cherish those friendships and will never forget them.

Some of the biggest trials of faith came because of circumstances I could not control.  In high school, for example,  I became very ill, and to had to give up my celebrated sports career.  This devastated me at the time. A lot of my self worth was packed into being a great athlete and I had enjoyed good success up through my 10th grade year. When I had my health taken away from me, it felt like an unjust punishment.  What had I done to deserve it?  I questioned God on a daily basis. Why wouldn't he step in for me?  I went over it time and time again in my mind, trying to understand it, trying to negotiate with God over my condition.  I couldn't get him to change his mind, but he opened other doors for me.  Only later did I begin to understand what a great blessing it was for me to go through that experience and how I was blessed to spend time with and get to know other wonderful people who I wouldn't have had a chance to know otherwise.

Later as a 19 year old, while serving as an LDS mission in Ecuador, I continued to suffer health wise and I was extremely disillusioned about how things were run in my mission organization.  I felt extremely let down by people who I wanted and needed to look up to. I was shocked and saddened on many occasions and God still wouldn't intervene and restore my health to me.  It affected me so much that I felt that he had abandoned me.  It caused me to really question my faith, first in my leaders, then in God.  I just couldn't work it out in my mind and to this day it was the closest I ever came to losing my faith.  It took several years after the mission experience to fully heal and have my faith restored.

So why do I tell you these very old struggles of mine? I think it is to make this point. I've had many different trials of faith since then, the most recent being the loss of a marriage and the separation from having my children live with me full time. The difficult marriage and the divorce itself caused me the sharpest pain that I've ever felt,  but when that challenge came, I was ready.  My faith had already become established.  Because of what I suffered before in life, and how the Lord helped me to overcome those things, I knew that I would be given the strength to handle this too. I realize that God doesn't look at challenges and difficulties the way that we do.  In our limited understanding, we would spare ourselves of all pain and discomfort.  God knows what's best for us and he allows us to experience these things to give us an opportunity to learn his lessons and to become better and better.

True faith can never go unchallenged.  What is faith if it is never proven?  If it is never tested by the fire of affliction, the weakness of flesh, the ridicule of peers or life's injustices, then how do we even know that we have faith?  What is our faith if our life is all about having an easy time with no obstacles?  Faith would be only an abstract idea.  We would never really know ourselves and what we are made of and what we are capable of becoming.  It would be like living in the Garden of Eden. Everything would be easy, but there would be no growth.  We need opposition to grow.  Just like an athlete uses weights to help his muscles grow, trials and difficulties are what God uses to build our spiritual muscles.  What we as human beings need to understand is that there is a plan for each one of us, a personal training program designed by God to bring us back to his presence better than we were when we left him, but we have to be willing to drink of the bitter cup and not become bitter ourselves.  If we can do that, and we submit to his will, he refines us and burns out our impurities. He prepares us little by little to be more like him.  He will give us joy, and our joy will be heightened because we have experienced the opposite.  Eventually, our joy will be full.

If we want to be be healed from our wounds and all our sorrow, we must turn to God and live. Healing is a process and takes time, but we have the power to shorten that time significantly if we just allow the Holy Spirit to work in us.  It's all about doing the little things like going to church even if we don't feel like it, praying sincerely, listening to the voice of the Lord when it speaks to us, studying the word of God, serving others.  Those things are what allows God to work in our lives and heal us much quicker than we could ever do by ourselves.  That's the power of grace and the atonement.

At least now, after all I've been through, I know my faith is real.  God already knew me, but now I know myself better.  I'm sure I'll have more trials in my future, but please excuse me if I don't focus on them now.  I'm busy healing and I believe that my future looks bright!

Onward and upward my brothers and sisters!