Looking Back on It: Was it a Mistake?

You know you have to ask the question....  You think you know the answer,  but you need to vet it. You need to make sure. You need to understand yourself.  You need to understand your own life.... Darn veil we have down here!  Don't know anything.  Bumble around bumping into things, trying to build and watching our sand castles get knocked over time after time.  It's a risky, messy and beautiful life, making marks on our spirits and our bodies at the same time.

The truth is that nothing we build in the worldly way lasts anyway and the pain we suffer down here is acute but temporary.  All that matters is the essence inside our souls, and the love we have for Heavenly Father and the others who are on our journey with us.  It's a spiritual world at the core, building future Gods if we want to pursue that.

Was marrying that girl a mistake?  I guess you could say so if you are only looking at a short period of time in a mortal life.   If you look with a narrow focus of a life span 80 to 90 years,  23 years was a big chunk of wasted time.  What could I have done or accomplished in 23 years without that anchor and failure?  Gained more worldly success?  What did I really gain?  What did I really lose?  What was the cost/benefit ratio?

Tonight I'm feeling that I gained much.  The experiences I had over those 23 years have embedded themselves upon my soul.  They gave me an opportunity to lay it all on the line for the Lord.  They gave me a chance to prove to myself that I was willing to go to the end.  The 23 years were not all bad. There were periods of great peace and joy.  The Lord worked with me through my trials.  I met and loved and impacted and was impacted by beautiful people who I never would have met but through my marriage. Through it I have come closer to being my best self.

As for the promises I made to my former spouse both in this life and I believe even in my pre-mortal life, I have kept. I left nothing undone.  I made every effort to ensure the eventual realization of the blessings promised in the temple to all worthy couples through their faithfulness.  I carry no guilt with me other than understanding that I was an imperfect being and could not act as the Savior at all times.  When I didn't, I acknowledged it and did my best to repair and rebuild.  In the end, there was nothing more I could do.

I have now entered a different life, a different season.  My path is bright before my feet, but I can see only a little way ahead, not very far at all.  At least I have the assurance that the light goes before me and that I am being led and influenced by something greater than myself.  I wait upon the Lord to rebuild, remold, to restore me.  I know he is in the process even as I write.

My marriage was not a mistake. In the end it was a glorious and divine tutorial, full of hope, pain, and love.  I wrap it up neatly and present it to God and lay it upon his altar, to be consecrated to my gain and to the gain of my children and to the gain of anyone who may be touched by its' tragic beauty. May it serve to instruct, inspire, heal, or lift any of my brothers and sisters in any way the Lord sees fit to use it.  Someday I may combine these writings and more into a book, a book that will hopefully benefit my brothers and sisters whom I love.

Sincerely,



Your Brother